Listen up, survivors! In a season where the Riverside Mall became ground zero for the undead apocalypse, one player's putting prowess proved more reliable than the emergency lighting. Cooper Johnson has been crowned our Circle Master Award winner, which means he putted so consistently he could probably hit a zombie's brain from the food court. His 103.3 Circle Trust Index suggests he trusted his putter more than any of us trust each other in this infection-ridden nightmare.
While the rest of us were barricading escalators and avoiding contaminated sprinkler systems, Cooper was quietly assembling the most dominant par-3 performance in league history. That 53.3% birdie rate? Higher than the infection spread through the basement flooding. His 8/15 birdie masterpiece on October 2nd? Cleaner than a sterilized shopping cart. He played par 3s like they were infection vectors that needed neutralizing, and honestly, I'm both impressed and concerned.
With the mall completely overrun and military firebombing imminent, congratulations to Cooper for surviving this ridiculous narrative! Now go find another league before the theme assimilates you too. Seriously, does anyone actually believe we're in a zombie apocalypse, or are we just really committed to this bit?