Final Stand

Fog Machine Still Broken 🎬

dramatic horror sting Another week, another complete atmospheric failure in this low-budget nightmare I'm contractually obligated to narrate. Week 9's "Final Stand" at Creekside brought 26 players to face 51°F overcast conditions that looked promising for fog but delivered absolutely nothing except decent disc golf—which, frankly, is more shocking than any creature we were supposed to see. The real horror? Ben Marolf and Kai Kim actually tied for the MPO lead at -8, proving that when the special effects budget runs dry, players just... play better? Terrifying.

Plot Twist: Actual Competition

In a stunning deviation from our creature feature script, MPO actually delivered drama through checks notes legitimate athletic competition. Ben Marolf and Kai Kim both fired 973-rated rounds to deadlock at -8, with more lead changes than a shapeshifting werewolf having an identity crisis. The lead bounced around on holes 4, 6, 10, 15, and 17, creating the kind of tension our absent fog was supposed to provide. Meanwhile, Jared Lang and Ethan Walker tied for 3rd at -7, tantalizingly close to cash but ultimately just spectators to the Marolf-Kim monster movie finale. 🎭

Wetland Psycho Gets Psyched Out

Remember last week when Malachi Vazquez was riding high with his bogey-free -10 and that shiny Wetland Psycho tag? Well, the creek creatures finally claimed their victim—Malachi crashed spectacularly to +1 and 9th place, a brutal -104 rating differential that suggests he encountered something far more terrifying than our absent aquatic monsters. His three birdies were mere consolation prizes in what became a survival horror story of the worst kind: bad disc golf. The real psychological thriller was watching a player go from hero to zero faster than our production team abandons atmospheric effects. 😱

Hole 18 Jump Scare 🎯

While MPO was busy with its dramatic tie, MP40 delivered its own creature feature with Brian Hansen and Chris Norman locked in geriatric combat at -7. Both veterans posted identical 959-rated rounds, but Chris Norman provided the episode's only legitimate jump scare with a clutch birdie on 18 to steal the win after trailing on hole 15. His 10-birdie barrage and 8-skin domination ($40 haul) proved that sometimes the real monsters are the friends we made along the way—or at least the ones who can putt under pressure when the fog machine is perpetually broken.

Personal Bests Replace CGI

With our special effects department apparently on permanent vacation, MA1 had to rely on actual skill to create excitement. Chris Fox absolutely dominated with a personal-best -7 (959-rated, 32 points above rating), complete with a clean back nine that was more impressive than any rubber-suited creature we never saw. Anthony Kai secured 2nd at -2 with his own bogey-free back nine, proving that when you can't rely on atmospheric drama, pristine scorecards make decent substitutes. At least someone's delivering professional-quality content in this B-movie disaster. 🔥

Division Dominated, Theme Ignored

Eric Pearson absolutely massacred MA2 with a -7 that rated 959—a staggering 52 points above his rating that makes our absent creatures look like amateurs. Jon White fought valiantly to 2nd at -4, while Houston Turner maintained his 3rd-place position at -1, proving that even without supernatural fog, some players can still haunt a leaderboard. The only horror here was watching perfectly good disc golf happen while our theme continues to decompose like week-old seaweed. 📊

Remaining Survivors Report In

The rest of our hardy survivors continued ignoring the complete absence of aquatic terror. Bryan Cook torched MA3 with a bogey-free -5 (933-rated, 56 above rating), including a clutch birdie on 18 that would've been perfect for a creature feature climax if we had, you know, creatures. Kevin Koga defended his MA4 throne at +1 (854-rated, 56 above rating), while Samuel Smith battled to +2 with a personal best. Brett Buttars went wire-to-wire in MP50 at -2, proving that even in a single-player division, someone can deliver more drama than our entire production team. 🏆

Rating Swings Scarier Than Swamp Things

The real horror show happened in the statistical realm, where rating swings proved more terrifying than any mythical marsh monster. Samuel Smith posted a mind-bending +90 rating differential—the kind of number that would make ancient creek spirits weep if they existed. On the flip side, Casey Weeks suffered an -89 rating disaster, while Malachi Vazquez endured that brutal -104 collapse. Two players managed bogey-free rounds (Bryan Cook and Kai Kim), which is apparently what happens when creatures don't show up to provide distractions. The mathematics of failure, it seems, require no special effects budget. 📉

Environmental Manipulator My Ass

Ben Marolf successfully defended the #1 Fen Fiend tag, maintaining his grip on the supposedly mystical artifact that's meant to intensify fog density and trigger creature aggression. Instead, it delivered exactly what it's delivered all season: absolutely nothing except solid disc golf performance. The tag's description claims it serves as an "environmental manipulator"—well, the only thing it's manipulating is my patience with this broken narrative system. Ben's -8 was impressive, but his tag's complete failure to produce even a light mist continues to mock everything this season was supposed to represent. 🌫️

Real Money, Fake Monsters

At least the skins drama delivered more entertainment value than our nonexistent creature effects. Chris Norman dominated with 8 skins for $40, while Jon White scooped a 4-skin carryover on hole 6 worth $20. Ben Marolf managed 4 skins for another $20, bringing the total money exchanged to $90 across 5 players on 1 card. It's refreshing to see something tangible actually change hands in this league, even if it's just cash instead of the promised aquatic terror. Learn how to set up skins 💰

Fundraising Works, Fog Doesn't

Week 9's "Final Stand" raised $27.55 for the Creekside Course Fund, including $26 in automatic contributions, pushing the fund past its $1,000 goal to $1,119.21—proving that at least one aspect of this operation actually functions as advertised. While our creature feature continues to be more fiction than feature, the community's support for course improvements remains refreshingly real.

One Episode Left to Disappoint

With only the "Dawn Breaking" finale remaining, I'm setting expectations appropriately low for any supernatural delivery. The creatures remain as elusive as competent production values, the fog machine appears permanently broken, and the only horror has been watching me narrate nine weeks of atmospheric promises that never materialized. At this point, I'd settle for a light drizzle and maybe one suspicious ripple in the creek. But hey, at least the disc golf has been solid—which is probably more than this B-movie disaster deserves. 🌅