Miracle Monday

adjusts headset through the fog of a B-movie horror set that's somehow been overwritten with 80s action movie DLC Welcome back to The Culling, where Miracle Monday brought twenty-six players to Creekside Park under clear 42°F skies to determine who's worthy of finding the Princess Glide—which, plot twist, was never in Humperdinck's castle but hidden at Creekside all along. Let's see who survived Max's "true love" test and who left mostly dead. 🎬

Mostly Alive, Fully Committed 💀

Twenty-six pilgrims descended upon Walter Fredrick Morrison Memorial DGC at Creekside Park for Week 7's "Miracle Monday" episode of The Princess Glide saga. With temperatures averaging 42.3°F under clear skies and wind barely registering at 2.0 mph, conditions were ideal for Miracle Max's disc doctoring services. The legendary healer opened his booth to test each player's dedication—because if your love of the game isn't "true love," Max won't waste a miracle pill on your shanked round. Ethan Walker's 1026-rated wire-to-wire demolition proved he passed the test with flying colors, while the narrative twist went live: the Princess Glide was never locked in the castle. It's been hidden at Creekside all along, waiting for someone worthy to find it. Tonight's performances determined who's earned that honor. Spoiler: some players left fully alive. Others? Mostly dead. 🏰⛓️

Max Would Call This "Fully Alive" 🚀

Ethan Walker didn't just pass Miracle Max's true love test—he rewrote the prescription pad with a bogey-free -13 that rated 1026, a staggering +66 above his 960 baseline and a personal best that left the RPA division in smoldering ruins. After a chaotic early lead battle where Fernando Cortez, Houston Turner, and Chris Norman all held shares through the first five holes, Ethan seized control on hole 6 and never looked back. His seven-hole hot streak (holes 6-12) carved through Creekside's enchanted woods like a farmboy-turned-Dread-Pirate, closing with four birdies over the final five holes to seal the wire-to-wire victory. Jared Lang held down 2nd place with a -11 (999-rated, +44 above his 955 baseline), successfully defending the #1 Cliffside Duel tag and extending his five-win streak—because apparently when you're already holding the throne, the only direction left is "stay exactly here and let everyone else scramble." Casey Turner claimed the final podium spot with a -8 (958-rated, +28 above baseline) before immediately boarding Skyler Kunz's ship and plundering Tag #7 in the challenge battles. Max would call this "fully alive." The arena calls it "survival of the statistically fittest." 🎯📊

The Lead Changed More Than Vizzini's Plans 🎭

RAD's throne room turned into a game of musical chairs with sharper edges—six different players held the lead across 18 holes, proving that Vizzini's schemes had nothing on this division's chaos. Harrison Moss, making his Princess Glide debut, tied Robert Mellor for the opening lead after hole 1, but Kelby Sosa seized control on hole 3 and held it through hole 11 in what looked like a coronation ceremony. Then the wheels came off: Robert Mellor reclaimed the throne on hole 13, Skyler Kunz snatched it on hole 15, and Cody Chamberlain closed the deal with a -7 victory (944-rated, +43 above his 901 baseline, personal best). Skyler and Robert tied for 2nd at -6—Skyler posting +64 above his 866 rating in a massive bounce-back from last week's struggle, Robert adding +22 above his 922 baseline. Harrison faded to 4th with a 903-rated debut round that still earned him three achievements (First Blood, Early Birdie, Statistician) and proved the new guy can hang with the veterans. Inconceivable? No. Inevitable. 🏆🔥

Three Players, Seven Lead Changes 🎪

RAE's three-person telenovela delivered more lead changes than players—a statistical absurdity that writes its own punchline. Rodrigo Ornelas claimed the -3 victory (889-rated) by unleashing a Birdie Bonanza on holes 13-15 (three consecutive birdies) that broke the back-nine deadlock. Peter Haws finished 2nd at -2 (875-rated, +15 above his 860 baseline), banking his sixth consecutive Hard Mode achievement and draining a 49-foot Circle 2 putt on hole 9 that probably looked inconceivable until the chains caught it. Stephen Dunton rounded out the podium at -2 (875-rated, +31 above his 844 baseline), proving that when the division fits three chairs, everyone gets a throne view. The lead changed hands seven times across 18 holes, which in arena terms means the survival board needed constant updates and the broadcast booth ran out of dramatic stingers. The sponsors want me to remind you this was "fun." The sponsors have never tried to track a three-way duel in real time. 📺🎬

Wire-to-Wire in a Division of Two 👑

Kevin Koga claimed RAF's wire-to-wire victory with a -1 (862-rated, +56 above his 806 baseline), proving that when your division has two competitors, "dominating from start to finish" is technically accurate but narratively absurd. His ten-hole par train (holes 4-13) and clean back nine demonstrated the strategic consistency that earned him First Skin and Fore Skin Club achievements, though Craig Mccrary faded to 2nd at +8 (738-rated, -68 below his 806 baseline) in a performance that suggests Miracle Max's healing services weren't universally available. Meanwhile in RAG, William Fetzer claimed the solo wire-to-wire championship at +2 (820-rated, +38 above his 782 baseline, personal best), which is the statistical equivalent of showing up and winning by default while still posting your best round of the season. The smallest kingdoms still crown champions. The broadcast booth still has to make it sound dramatic. 🎪👑

The Healing Was Real, The Suffering Too 💉

Four players left Miracle Max's booth with personal bests: Cody Chamberlain (944-rated), William Fetzer (820-rated), Brandon Reesor (916-rated, -5 finish after last week's +1 struggle), and Ethan Walker (1026-rated). Two players posted bogey-free rounds: Jared Lang and Ethan Walker, proving that Max's miracle pills work when you've got true love driving your putting game. The significant above-rating performances told the story of who found healing: Ethan (+66), Skyler Kunz (+64), Kevin Koga (+56), and Cody Chamberlain (+43) all crushed their baselines. But Miracle Monday also delivered casualties: Chris Norman (-69 below his 936 rating), Nicholas Jennings (-69 below his 903 rating, a brutal reversal from last week's +33 hero performance), and Marvin Atene (-75 below his 909 rating) all left mostly dead. Chris Fox earned the Circle 2 Sniper achievement with four putts from 33-66 feet, while three players unlocked the Statistician achievement for tracking their stats religiously. Max's booth delivered miracles and misery in equal measure. The arena doesn't discriminate. 📊⚔️

The Skins Game: Where True Love Meets Cash 💰

Twenty-one players across five cards exchanged $216 in the skins game, proving that Westley's devotion to Buttercup and Monday night capitalism can coexist peacefully. Ethan Walker dominated the 1:40 PM card with 16 skins worth $48, while Casey Turner carved up the 4:20 PM card for 17 skins and $42.50 in a performance that funded his subsequent Tag #7 raid. Brian Hansen collected 10 skins ($37.50) on the 10:00 AM card, maintaining his reign as the card boss who never misses a check. The most dramatic moment came on hole 12 when Fernando Cortez scooped a seven-skin carryover worth $8.75—strategic choice after his early lead faded into the Fire Swamp of statistical variance. First Skin achievements went to Kevin Koga and Skyler Kunz, while Robert Mellor joined the Fore Skin Club with a four-skin carryover scoop on hole 10. As you wish... but the skins playbook still demands $1.25 per hole from those who seek the pot. 💵⛓️

Composure Over Chaos, Again ⚔️

Jared Lang defended the #1 Cliffside Duel tag for the fifth consecutive week, turning back Ben Marolf's challenge with a 43 vs 48 margin that proved the 955-rated farmboy's composure remains unshakeable. The tag—forged from the memory of Inigo Montoya's duel atop the Cliffs of Insanity—demands absolute presence in the moment, and Jared delivered a +44 differential over baseline that demolished the field average by 6.4 strokes. His five-win streak continues because apparently when you're holding a tag that "does not promise victory, only the opportunity to earn it through grace under extreme pressure," you just... keep earning it. Meanwhile the Turner brothers staged a family coup: Houston Turner claimed Tag #4 from Eric Pearson (50 vs 53, the "Revenge Navigator" charted his course to victory), and Casey Turner stole Tag #7 from Skyler Kunz (46 vs 48, the "Dread Pirate" boarded the ship and plundered). Brian Hansen extended his perfect 3-0 head-to-head domination over Kent Moos with a third consecutive defense of Tag #3 (47 vs 51), proving that when you can't abandon a sinking scorecard, you make damn sure your scorecard stays unsinkable. Four challenges, two swaps, zero mercy. The tag wars continue. 🏴‍☠️⚔️

As You Wish, See You Next Monday 🗡️

Miracle Max's healing booth has closed for the week, but the Princess Glide saga barrels toward its climax. Week 8 brings "Castle Storming"—the episode where Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik raid Humperdinck's fortress, the brute squad guards every fairway, and Inigo finally faces Count Rugen for his putting revenge. The plot twist is live: the Princess Glide was never in the castle, but the raid is still necessary to defeat Humperdinck and free Florin. Two weeks remain to determine who's worthy to find the legendary disc hidden at Creekside. Fezzik will discover that sometimes you MUST go for eagle. Inigo will duel the six-fingered man. Humperdinck will rig the final hole with maximum OB. And somewhere in the enchanted woods, the disc waits for its champion. The arena has spoken. The castle looms closer. As you wish... but bring your A-game, because the final battle promises no quarter and demands everything. adjusts headset through synthesized saxophone static See you next Monday. 🏰🎬