
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
When Professor Bumblethwaite's mountain teleportation spell glitched harder than a Windows 95 update, the resulting dimensional fractures birthed the Lithomantic Cartographer - basically Google Maps for wizards who can't tell ward boundaries from geological faults. Because nothing says "magical education" like needing GPS to find decent fry sauce.
And so the Lithomantic Cartographer, freshly forged from bureaucratic spell-shrapnel, sought its first victim—er, bearer. It scanned the student body, rejecting those who couldn't differentiate between a ward boundary and a geological fault line. Then it found Jared Cloward, a man whose PDGA credentials suggested he could handle the immense pressure of navigating both magical ley lines and Utah's confusing liquor laws. His first test? Successfully transfiguring a disc into a funeral potato casserole. He failed, obviously, but the tag appreciated the effort.
Is this muggle-wizard really worthy of such a prestigious—okay, moderately dangerous—honor?