
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
You missed this event! Come back next week to move back into contention.
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Centuries ago, during a previous Phoenix rebirth, a normal Grootslang was bathed in sacred ashes while protecting its diamond-filled cave from intruders. The Phoenix's essence transformed the creature, granting it extended life and cosmic wisdom, and in return, it pledged to safeguard the sacred underground chambers where Phoenix ashes gather between cycles.
The Grootslang Guardian possesses the immense strength of an elephant combined with a serpent's cunning and flexibility, allowing it to reshape cave passages and create safe havens for pilgrims. Its tusks can sense Phoenix energy across vast distances, glowing with amber light when ashes are near, while its serpentine body can withstand extreme temperatures found in the deepest earth chambers. Most remarkably, the creature's elephant-like memory preserves the location of every sacred site from all previous Phoenix cycles, making it an invaluable guide to pilgrims seeking to follow the complete ash path.
The Grootslang Guardian serves as both sentinel and mentor to the Ashen Pilgrims, protecting the underground sanctuaries where Phoenix ashes gather while teaching pilgrims to overcome earth-based elemental challenges. It stands as the primary defender against Obsidian Sentinels who attempt to access the subterranean ash chambers, using its massive form to block passages and its wisdom to counter their shadow-based tactics.
The Ashen Pilgrims are a group of dedicated individuals who follow the Phoenix's ashes to sacred sites, seeking to uncover the secrets of rebirth and renewal. They embark on a global journey, facing challenges and trials along the way, all in the name of witnessing the legendary bird's fiery resurrection. The Pilgrims are characterized by their determination, self-sacrifice, and unwavering faith in the ancient prophecy.
Aria Emberheart is a wise and compassionate leader who has dedicated her life to studying the ancient prophecies surrounding the Phoenix. She believes that witnessing the bird's rebirth is essential for bringing balance and renewal to the world. Aria guides the Ashen Pilgrims on their journey, providing support and encouragement in the face of adversity.
You missed this event! Come back next week to move back into contention.
Aw snap, check it - this Grootslang Guardian tag just manifested outta nowhere in a blaze of cosmic glory! Forged in the fires of absurdity, it's like the One Ring of disc golf. How? Why? Who knows, man. The ways of the Phoenix are mad extra. All hail the almighty bag tag! #BornToBeWorn 🔥💍🐘🐍
sigh And now for another chapter in "Things I'm Forced to Narrate." The Grootslang Guardian - a tag born of fire and questionable graphic design choices - sought its first victim.
It zeroed in on Kaleb Alldridge, whose PDGA number (301929) practically screamed "I throw plastic at metal sometimes!"
The tag, sensing his male mediocrity and desperation for fantasy validation, attached itself like a clingy ex. His discs burst into flames. Not literally - that would be interesting.
Will this elephant-snake worshipper prove worthy? Or just get trunk in the junk?