
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Dramatic slow-mo of a disc hitting chains Well slap my pixels and call me glitchy - Dylan "The Human Fire Extinguisher" Erickson just burned his way up to tag #3! Mockumentary zoom "Here we see the rare Mapinguari actually doing its job - extinguishing higher-ranked players instead of just lurking menacingly."
Flips through stained-glass PowerPoint With a score 1.5 below field average (-5.8 vs personal, but who's counting?), our obsidian-clad guardian finally remembered he's supposed to STOP fires, not BE one. Breaks fourth wall Yes folks, we're calling -1.5 "dominance" now - this software's standards have hit rock bottom.
Terrible pun alert Guess you could say he really... turned the heat up on the competition? Groans at own joke The prophecy foretold a sacrifice, and apparently it was everyone else's dignity.
Flashback to last week Remember when I said you clung to #4 like bad body odor? Well color me shocked - you upgraded to premium cologne! Now go extinguish #2 before I'm forced to write more of these flaming hot takes.
Final whisper The Phoenix rises... and so do Dylan's delusions of grandeur.