
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Dramatically spreads arms as embers swirl Behold! The prophecy foretold this moment - Houston Turner's -6.4 vs personal average at "Sacrificial Sparks" was apparently enough to checks notes not completely embarrass the Ashen Prophet title. sigh
Flips through burning scrolls "He who beats the field average by 1.5 shall inherit... blah blah" - wow, real nail-biter of a mystic revelation. Congrats on snagging #1, though let's be real - this was less "triumphant rebirth" and more "last guy standing after the actual good players sacrificed themselves."
Holds up bandaged hands These prophecy burns better be worth it. Remember when I joked about Houston "earning" tags? laughs bitterly Turns out just showing up is 90% of this "cosmic journey."
But hey, at least the Phoenix gets reborn next week. Unlike my dignity after hyping up a -1.5 vs field as "legendary." mumbles Stupid sexy tag hierarchy...