Coastal Sortie

Fifteen Warm Bodies, Zero Frostbite ❄️

The Fort Buenaventura reported for Week 3's "Coastal Sortie" under conditions that can only be described as aggressively not zero degrees Fahrenheit. 🌡️ Actual temperatures hovered in the mid-40s with light winds—a full 45 degrees warmer than the apocalyptic forecast that promised frostbite and existential regret. Fifteen players showed up anyway, more than doubling Week 2's turnout, which means I'm finally narrating to an actual field instead of a handful of stragglers. The philosophical war between frozen-rope lasers and sky-annie floaters got its first real competitive data, and the results were... actually compelling? Ethan Walker posted a bogey-free, 1005-rated round with an albatross on Hole 10, seizing both the RPA division win and the #1 bag tag in a performance so clean it made the Precision Gyroscope's perpetual hum sound almost justified.

Wire-to-Wire, No Deviations Allowed

Ethan Walker (-11, rated 1005) delivered a masterclass in frozen-rope philosophy, taking the lead on Hole 9 and never relinquishing it. 🎯 His bogey-free card featured an albatross on the 669-foot Hole 10 and a clutch closing birdie on 18—the kind of round that makes you believe in inertial stability and unerring reference vectors. Jared Lang (-10, rated 996) kept the pressure on with eagles on Holes 4 and 17, closing hot with seven birdies from 12-18. Both players shot 40+ points above their ratings, which in a sane world would be statistical anomalies but at The Fort apparently just means "Thursday."

Dustin Hanson and Brian Hansen tied at -4 for third, just outside the cash bubble—Dustin's back-nine surge (six strokes better than his front) nearly got him there, but nearly doesn't cash checks. Meanwhile, Malachi Vazquez, last week's -8 hero with his own albatross, stumbled to -1 (rating Δ -39 from his previous 953). A seven-stroke regression and a 47-point rating drop serve as The Fort's reminder that coastal bluffs don't care about your previous accomplishments.

Sole Birdies: The Loneliest Flex

Brodie Duncan (-2, rated 923) claimed the RAE division after seizing the lead from Jon White on Hole 4 and holding it through the finish. 🧵 His defining feature? Sole birdies on Holes 3, 14, and 15—threading needles where everyone else found par or worse. It's the statistical equivalent of being the only person in the room who knows the answer, which is either impressive precision or everyone else collectively deciding those holes weren't worth the effort.

Jon White (+5) started hot with the only birdie on Hole 1 but faded on the back nine, while Rodrigo Ornelas (+8) struggled overall but showed resilience with an eagle on Hole 10 after a rough front. Three players, a few solo birdies, and a division victory built on surgical shot selection—sky-annie disciples take note.

One Pilot, One Eagle, One Lonely Category

Abraham Vidinhar (+8, rated 832) flew solo in RAF, completing a full mission despite the lonely flight. 🛩️ His front nine played six strokes better than his back, but he still snagged an eagle on Hole 10 and the sole birdie on the Super Ace hole (16)—the closest anyone came to that $731 pot. A division of one still counts as a division, and Abraham's complete sortie proves you don't need competition to execute the mission.

The Quiet Thrower Emerges

Skyler Kunz (-3, rated 932) shot 66 points above his 866 rating for the round of the day in RAD, a performance that screams "surprising underdog who blends both philosophies effortlessly." 🔥 The lead changed hands multiple times—Collin Dyer and Luke Willcox held it through various stretches—but Skyler's back-nine surge sealed it. He carded a birdie on Hole 9, then closed with a double-eagle finish (eagles on Holes 10 and 17) that neither camp can fully claim. Neither frozen-rope purist nor sky-annie floater, but everyone noticed his scores.

Collin Dyer (+4) led through Hole 4 but faded to 10th after rough double-bogey stretches, though he showed grit with three separate recovery birdies. Luke Willcox fought hard but couldn't hold the lead. Skyler's quiet dominance fits the episode description's "surprising underdog" archetype perfectly—the thrower who doesn't pick sides but somehow wins anyway.

Hole 10: Eagle Factory, Albatross Optional

Hole 10 (669-foot par 5) turned into an eagle assembly line—11 of 15 players carded eagle or better, including Ethan Walker's albatross. 🏭 Six players shot 20+ points above their rating; four cratered 40+ below (notably Scott Belchak at -50 and Malachi Vazquez at -47). Ethan Walker's bogey-free round was the only clean card of the day, which feels like the statistical equivalent of showing up to a food fight in a tuxedo.

The back nine proved kinder for most—multiple players (Sean Kelley, Dustin Hanson, Ethan Walker) caught fire after the turn. Hole 9 (822-foot par 5) played +0.7 on average, with Skyler Kunz carding the only birdie. The Fort giveth (Hole 10's eagle parade) and The Fort taketh away (Hole 9's grinding par gauntlet).

The Space Junk Actually Knows Something

The Precision Gyroscope (#1)—recovered from the wreckage of the SS Calibrator, a deep-space survey vessel that vanished while charting gravimetric anomalies—found its first legitimate pilot. 🛰️ Ethan Walker's +45 over rating, bogey-free, albatross-inclusive 1005 round rocketed the tag from #8 to #1 in a single sortie. The device, a sphere of darkened alloy cradling a core of luminous blue-white energy that spins with silent, perpetual hum, finally has a holder who understands inertial stability.

The tag's lore promises "an unerring reference for true linear flight" and "heightened sense of inertial stability," allowing pilots to lock onto a target vector and hold it against turbulence, crosswinds, and gravitational pull. Ethan's performance validated the entire salvage operation—he played his game, not the gyroscope's game, and the result is a legitimate "warm glow of competence" that somehow earned itself a throne. The tag's "constant datum of true level" apparently isn't total nonsense when paired with a thrower who actually understands wind, adaptation, and throwing lines that hold longer than pride. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that throw was genuinely impressive.

$731 Still Waiting, Hole 16 Still Guarded

No CTP, Ace, or Super Ace winners this week. 💰 The Super Ace pot on Hole 16 remains at $731, untouched—Abraham Vidinhar's sole birdie was the closest anyone came to glory. The Ace Pot sits at $60.46, lonely and accumulating interest (metaphorically; it's not actually in a savings account). The chains stayed silent, but the pots grow fatter, which means next week's potential payouts are even more tantalizing for those willing to buy in.

Carryover Scoop: Hole 17's $35 Heist

Two skins cards, 10 players, $135.00 exchanged hands in what can only be described as capitalism but for plastic glory. 💵 Jared Lang dominated the 1:00 PM card, scooping 11 skins for $55.00—including a massive 7-skin carryover on Hole 17 worth $35.00 alone after a 6-hole push. That's the kind of swing that makes you reconsider your life choices. Ethan Walker grabbed 4 skins for $20.00 on the same card, because apparently winning the division outright wasn't enough.

On the 10:00 AM card, Brodie Duncan hauled 7 skins for $17.50, with Abraham Vidinhar taking 5 and Dustin Hanson closing it out. Carryovers were the story—Hole 17's 7-skin scoop by Jared was the single biggest moment of the day. For next week: if you want in on the action, learn how to set up skins during registration.

The Philosophical War Has Scoreboard Data

Week 3's "Coastal Sortie" delivered the first real competitive proof for Top Glide Academy's central conflict. 📊 The frozen-rope purists have their champion in Ethan Walker (bogey-free 1005) and Jared Lang (eagle-fueled -10). The sky-annie floaters have their threading specialists in Brodie Duncan (sole-birdie precision) and Skyler Kunz (double-eagle finish). The "quiet thrower who blends both philosophies" from the episode description? That's Skyler, 66 points above rating, claiming neither camp but earning everyone's suspicious attention. The protagonist and rival find themselves united in checking the leaderboard.

This week's play contributed $19.25 to The Fort Course Fund—$15.00 from the automatic $1/player contributions, plus $4.25 in extras from 18 total contributions. The fund sits at $58.75 of its $1,000 goal (6%). Every dollar helps maintain the championship-level course that hosted James Conrad's "Holy Shot" in 2021.

Glide Eternal, But First: Survive Week 4

Week 3 doubled the field, delivered a 1005-rated round, and crowned the Precision Gyroscope's first legitimate holder. 🌪️ The standings are taking shape; the philosophical divide is sharpening. Next week: Fort Turbulence—conditions deteriorate as coastal storms roll in, and only the most adaptable throwers maintain their rankings. The academy's pressure-cooker environment reaches boiling point. Equipment fails, tempers flare, and The Fort's notorious winds separate champions from casualties.

Will Ethan Walker's frozen-rope dominance hold against genuine turbulence? Will Malachi Vazquez bounce back from his -39 rating swing and seven-stroke regression? Will anyone finally hit that $731 Super Ace on Hole 16? Will Skyler Kunz continue his quiet ascent, or will the storms expose the limits of his blended philosophy? The Fort awaits, wind already howling. Glide eternal, pilots—if you can.