Castle Storming

adjusts headset through synthesized saxophone static

Welcome back to The Princess Glide @ Creekside, where twenty-eight souls braved 32-42°F air to storm Prince Humperdinck's castle in Week 8 of 9. According to the script, the brute squad was supposed to guard every fairway. According to the scorecards, they called in sick. Six players posted bogey-free rounds, the castle's defenses crumbled faster than Vizzini's logic, and somewhere in the cold January air, Inigo Montoya finally got his revenge. Let's see who survived the siege.

The Brute Squad Had the Day Off 🏰

Twenty-eight players showed up to Creekside Park on Monday, January 19th, for Week 8's "Castle Storming" episode—the penultimate chapter in The Princess Glide saga. Temperatures ranged from 32.9°F to 42.9°F, the kind of cold that makes your fingers question their life choices and your plastic question its flight path. But here's the thing: six players posted bogey-free rounds. Six. That's not a castle defense; that's a welcome mat with a "please, come right in" sign. Chris Fox, Eric Pearson, Kent Moos, Nicholas Jennings, Christopher Hamby, and Jared Lang all walked through Humperdinck's supposed maximum-OB trap like it was a park stroll—which, to be fair, it technically was. The brute squad didn't just fail; they didn't even show up for roll call. 🛡️

Chris Fox Avenges His Father's Rating ⚔️

Chris Fox just delivered the single most Inigo Montoya performance of the entire season: a 991-rated -10 that landed 67 points above his 924 rating. That's not a round; that's a vendetta. Ten birdies, eight pars, zero bogeys, and a personal best that made Count Rugen's six-fingered scorecard look like amateur hour. Fox held or shared the lead wire-to-wire, though Nicholas Jennings briefly threatened through hole 13 with his own bogey-free -6 clinic (937-rated, +34 hot). But Fox's four-under stretch on holes 2-5 and another four-under run on holes 14-17 were surgical—the kind of shot-making that says, "Hello. My name is Chris Fox. You killed my rating. Prepare to die."

Eric Pearson took second with a bogey-free 964-rated -8 (+51 above his 913 baseline), going two-under on holes 10-11 and never flinching when the course tried to fight back. Kent Moos matched Jennings at -6 (937-rated, +24 hot) with his own bogey-free masterclass—holes 2-3 set the tone, and twelve pars built the foundation for a personal best. RAD just watched four players post clean cards while the rest of the field scrambled for survival. The castle didn't stand a chance. 🎯

Eight Lead Changes, One Survivor 🔪

RAE Division turned into a battle royale with eight lead changes across eighteen holes—Brian Bowling, Peter Haws, Bryan Cook, and Brodie Duncan all held or shared the lead at various points, and by hole 18, only one was left standing. Brodie Duncan carded a wire-to-wire 910-rated -4 to claim the division crown, though "wire-to-wire" is generous when you're sharing the lead with half the field through hole 9.

Ethan Walker and Christopher Hamby tied for second at -3 (896-rated), with Hamby earning his Smooth Sailing achievement for a bogey-free debut—three birdies, fifteen pars, and the kind of clean card that announces, "I belong here." Bryan Cook took fourth at -2 (889-rated) with a personal best, while Peter Haws led through hole 9 before a trio of double-bogeys across the back nine dropped him to 8th at +4. That's the kind of collapse that makes you question whether Miracle Max's pill wore off mid-round. Stephen Dunton finished 5th at +1, steady as ever but unable to match the podium heat. Eight lead changes, one survivor, and a division that proved Humperdinck's trap works better on some than others. 🗡️

Two Pirates, One Throne, Zero Bogeys 🏴‍☠️

Jared Lang and Brian Hansen just delivered the duel everyone showed up to watch: Lang's bogey-free 991-rated -10 against Hansen's one-bogey 978-rated -9. Ten birdies each. Elite execution. And it all came down to hole 18, where Lang sank a clutch birdie to seal the outright victory while Hansen settled for par and second place. Lang's three-hole heater on holes 8-10 (three-under in three holes) was the kind of stretch that makes the rest of the card look like a warm-up, and his wire-to-wire dominance (+36 above his 955 rating) proved the Dread Pirate Roberts doesn't just survive—he plunders.

Hansen's ten birdies and seven pars were a masterclass in their own right (+42 above his 936 baseline), including a four-hole stretch on holes 11-14 that went four-under while the course was still trying to figure out what happened. But that lone bogey on hole 8 and the missed birdie on 18 were the only separators in a duel that could've gone either way. Tongia Vakaafi and Fernando Cortez tied for third at -5 (923-rated), just outside the money but close enough to taste it. RPA just watched two pirates fight for the throne while the rest of the fleet tried to keep up. 🦜

Two Players Enter, One Survives 🎭

RAH Division fielded exactly two players, which means this wasn't a division—it was a duel. Trenton Sexton posted a wire-to-wire 937-rated -6 (personal best, +98 above his 839 rating) with six birdies, twelve pars, and zero bogeys to claim the crown. Connor Baird, making his league debut, finished at +2 (829-rated, -81 below his 910 baseline) with three birdies and twelve pars but couldn't overcome the double-bogey damage. The 8-stroke margin tells the story: one player stormed the castle, the other got stormed by it. Trenton earned his Division Winner achievement and a Series Competitor badge, while Connor walked away with a Charitable Champion nod for donating 10% of his payout to course improvement—because even in defeat, you can still fund the fairways. 🎪

Even Par Still Wins When You're Alone-ish 😬

Kevin Koga defended his RAF crown with an even-par 856-rated round (50 points above his 806 rating)—three birdies, three bogeys, twelve pars, and the kind of steady hand that says, "I don't need fireworks when I'm the only show in town." Patrick Watts, making his first league appearance, finished at +4 with two birdies and eleven pars, earning his First Time Player and Charitable Champion achievements for donating 10% to course improvement. The lead changed hands on holes 4 and 12, which is about as much drama as a two-player division can muster. Kevin's consistency won the day, Patrick's generosity won the long game, and the rest of us watched a division that proved sometimes even par is enough when you're the only wire. 🎨

Wire-to-Wire When You're the Only Wire 🎸

Samuel Smith posted a wire-to-wire victory in RAG Division, which is technically true because he was the only player in the division. His +12 (694-rated, -57 below his 751 baseline) was a tough grind through cold conditions and a course that refused to cooperate, but here's the thing: he showed up. In 32-42°F air, when the castle was under siege and the brute squad was MIA, Samuel still teed it up and threw eighteen holes. That's not a participation trophy—that's persistence. The arena respects the players who show up when it's easier to stay home. 🎵

Personal Bests Rain Like Arrows 🏹

Five players set personal bests at Creekside's Castle Storming: Chris Fox (991-rated -10), Kent Moos (937-rated -6), Bryan Cook (889-rated -2), Christopher Hamby (896-rated -3), and Trenton Sexton (937-rated -6). That's not a coincidence; that's a siege where the attackers brought better equipment than the defenders. The six bogey-free rounds (Fox, Pearson, Moos, Jennings, Hamby, Lang) suggest the brute squad not only failed—they never even clocked in for their shift.

Circle 2 bombs lit up the scorecard: Chris Fox drained a 39-footer on hole 4, Bryan Cook sank a 33-footer on hole 10 and a 45-footer on hole 11, and Nicholas Jennings buried a 39-footer on hole 11. Players shooting significantly above rating included Fox (+67), Pearson (+51), Kevin Koga (+50), and Sexton (+98). Bryan Cook also earned his Statistician achievement for tracking throws on PDGA Live—more data means better narratives, folks, and Cook just proved the value of logging your chaos. Humperdinck's maximum-OB trap? Inconceivable that it would work. The castle fell, the arrows rained, and the scorecards proved that sometimes the attackers win. 🎯

Thirteen Skins, One Pirate, Zero Mercy 🏴‍☠️

Jared Lang plundered the skins treasury with 13 of 18 possible skins ($19.50 of the $27 pot), including a 5-skin carryover scoop on hole 5 that made everyone else question their life choices. His birdies on holes 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 14, 16, and 18 were relentless—the kind of performance that makes the skins playbook look like a heist manual. Fernando Cortez managed 5 skins ($7.50) with solo birdies on holes 3, 12, 13, 15, and 17, while Anthony Kai posted a goose egg despite being on the same card. The Dread Pirate doesn't just win divisions; he takes everything. 💰

The Cliffside Duel Endures Another Week ⚔️

Jared Lang defended the #1 Cliffside Duel bag tag with his dominant -10 performance, keeping the slate-grey disc with its sheer cliff-face etching firmly in his possession. The tag's lore speaks of a crucible that forces bearers to confront their deepest fears on ground that offers no quarter—Lang's bogey-free masterclass suggests he's made peace with the precipice and turned it into a launchpad.

Meanwhile, Stephen Dunton (the "Royal Schemer") successfully defended his own tag against Peter Haws (the "Royal Machinator") in a 55-58 margin, improving his head-to-head record to 2-0. The castle siege may have ended, but the tag hierarchy held firm—no swaps, no movement, just two players proving that defending a title requires the same precision as taking one. The Cliffside Duel endures, and with one week left, the tags will face their final test when the Princess Glide's inscription appears. 🗡️

As You Wish... See You Next Monday 🌅

Week 8's Castle Storming delivered on its promise: Inigo Montoya got his revenge (Chris Fox's 67-point rampage), the brute squad failed spectacularly (six bogey-free rounds), and Humperdinck's maximum-OB trap proved... inconceivable in its ineffectiveness. The castle has fallen, the fairways have been stormed, and the scorecards are written in birdie ink.

But the story isn't over. Week 9 brings "Glide's Homecoming"—the finale where the Princess Glide will be thrown one last time, its rim inscription will appear ("As you wish"), and season standings will be sealed for eternity. The kingdom of Florin awaits its champions, and every player who tees it up next Monday writes the final chapter of this aerodynamic fairy tale. From the broadcast booth, I'm Flippy, your reluctant narrator, reminding you that true love rides the air and every throw is a sentence in the legend. As you wish... see you next Monday. 🌄