adjusts aviators while fog machine glitches through the broadcast booth's ventilation system
We've reached Episode 8, folks—"Blizzard Bound"—where our road-weary heroes are supposed to be stuck in a snowbank having existential confessions. Instead, four disc golfers showed up to River Bottoms on a 46°F cloudy Wednesday with 1.9 mph winds, which is less "blizzard" and more "mildly disappointing sweater weather." But hey, the station wagon made it somewhere, and that's what counts. dramatic horror sting that immediately cuts out ...anyway, let's see who survived the links-style gauntlet.
Four Souls, One Snowbank, Zero GPS Signal ❄️
River Bottoms Disc Golf Course—Draper's brand-new (2024) links-style proving ground—welcomed exactly four competitors to its open fairways and white-stake OB minefield. This wasn't The Arena (our heroes' original destination), but after eight weeks of cancelled flights, burning rental cars, and one deeply uncomfortable motel night, any course with actual baskets counts as salvation. The weather refused to cooperate with the "Blizzard Bound" narrative, delivering a mild 46.4°F with winds so calm (1.9 mph average) that players couldn't even blame Mother Nature for their mistakes. The course itself—co-designed by tonight's runner-up, which we'll get to—is all open terrain, strategic OB lines, and fairways that demand accuracy over power. Basically, it's disc golf's version of showing your work: you can't just bomb-and-hope your way through 7,300 feet of calculated consequences.
The Course Designer Finished Second (Ouch)
Kenneth Oetker walked into River Bottoms—a course he'd never played—and shot -6 (51) with a 985-rated performance that was +20 over his 965 PDGA rating. He went on a 5-hole hot streak (holes 3-7) featuring three consecutive birdies, drained three Circle 2 putts across the round, and claimed 4 of the event's 7 sole birdies (holes 3, 6, 7, and 13). Meanwhile, Scott Belchak—who literally co-designed this course with Sean Kelley and Nick Lopez for ElevateUT Disc Golf—finished seven strokes back at +1 (58) with a 916-rated round. That's right: the architect of these fairways, the man who chose where every white stake would torment future generations, got beaten on his own creation. Scott still put together a respectable showing with a birdie on hole 5 and solid scrambling throughout, but Kenneth's surgical precision made it clear that knowing the course and conquering the course are two very different skill sets. Sean Kelley rounded out RPA at +6 (63), showing resilience with a bounce-back birdie on hole 15 after a rough +3 on hole 14—sometimes survival is its own victory on a links course that offers nowhere to hide. 🎯🏗️
The Loneliest Victory Lap at River Bottoms
Craig Bennett won the RAH division with a +3 (60) performance rated at 897, which sounds straightforward until you realize he was the only competitor in his division. Wire-to-wire lead? Sure, when there's no wire and no competition. Craig went full autopilot through holes 6-11 with a 6-hole par train that kept his round from derailing, drained a 49-foot Circle 2 putt on hole 4 to salvage momentum, and even scrambled for par on hole 6 after finding OB. The open fairways and constant OB threat at River Bottoms create a peculiar kind of pressure—you're not battling other players so much as negotiating with the course itself, which offers zero mercy and even less conversation. Craig's round was a solo journey through a landscape designed to punish imprecision, and he emerged with a respectable score on a course that could've easily added five more strokes if he'd lost focus. Sometimes the loneliest victories are the ones where you simply refuse to beat yourself. 🚂👤
Links Golf Demands Precision, Most Brought Chaos
River Bottoms' links-style design—flat, open, minimal trees, maximum OB consequences—lived up to its reputation as a course that "rewards accuracy over power." Across both divisions, Kenneth Oetker claimed 4 of the event's 7 sole birdies (holes 3, 6, 7, 13), meaning he was often the only player to birdie those holes while everyone else negotiated with par or worse. The white-stake OB lines that define River Bottoms' fairways became the real antagonist: multiple players found the tall grass rough, had to scramble, and learned that "open" doesn't mean "easy" when every errant throw costs you a stroke and your dignity. Par trains were the survival strategy of choice—Craig's 6-hole streak, Kenneth's steady baseline between birdie bursts—because on a course with this much strategic punishment, consistency beats heroics. The 1.9 mph winds offered zero excuses; this was pure execution versus consequence, and the scorecards reflected who brought a game plan versus who brought hope. 🎯⛳
Kenneth Took the Birthday Cake and the Skins 🎂
The 1:40 PM skins card saw $36 exchanged among all four competitors, but Kenneth Oetker dominated with 13 skins worth $26—including a massive 6-skin carryover scoop on hole 13 that basically paid for his gas money back to civilization. Scott Belchak grabbed 3 skins ($6) with clutch moments on holes 5, 9, and 18, while Sean Kelley collected 2 skins ($4) on holes 11 and 15. Craig Bennett, despite his wire-to-wire RAH victory, went entirely skinless—a reminder that division wins and skins glory don't always travel together. Kenneth's birdie clinic turned into a cash clinic, and somewhere in the station wagon's glove compartment, there's probably still leftover birthday cake from that trucker's nephew's party back in Episode 2. Not sure what that has to do with skins, but the narrative demanded a callback and I'm contractually obligated to provide one. For the uninitiated, skins playbook here. 💰🔥
Scott Belchak Knocked, Nobody Answered 🚪
Malachi Vazquez holds the #1 Craft Services bag tag—that sentient stainless-steel provisioning station that hums with industrious energy and offers calibrated nourishment to elite itinerants. But Malachi didn't show up to Week 8, and Scott Belchak is actively challenging him for the crown. That's Strike 1 of 3 for the defender. The Craft Services entity doesn't just hand out sustenance; it appears at critical junctures, providing strategic calibration and tactical data exchange for those who operate at a higher tier of commitment. Right now, that polished service counter with its translucent, ever-shifting menu board sits unattended while Scott—despite finishing second on the course he literally designed—keeps applying pressure. Two more absences and the tag automatically swaps. The provisioning station is under siege, and the defender is nowhere near the buffet line. Episode 8's "darkest hour" theme was supposed to feature confessions and desperation; instead, we got a no-show and the slow-motion collapse of a tag defense. Somewhere, a coffee urn is cooling, and that's the real tragedy. ☕👻
River Bottoms Was the Detour, Not the Destination
Week 8 is complete, which means we're one round away from the season finale: Week 9, "Arena Homecoming." Episode 9's script promises our road-weary heroes finally reaching The Arena as dawn breaks over fresh snow, where a legendary snow-round playoff awaits and the tournament director makes an exception for anyone who wanted it this bad. River Bottoms wasn't the destination—it was the necessary detour, the unplanned stop where you recalibrate, grab some links-golf humility, and remember that sometimes the journey matters more than the scorecard. Kenneth Oetker proved you don't need to know the course if you bring precision. Scott Belchak proved that designing a course doesn't grant immunity from its consequences. Craig Bennett proved you can win alone and still play with purpose. And Malachi Vazquez proved that absence has consequences when someone's knocking at your bag tag door. One week left. The Arena awaits. The real A-tier was the friends we made along the way, but also there's actual standings drama to resolve and I'm legally required to make that sound compelling. sighs in synthesized saxophone while the fog machine shorts out again See you at the finale, road warriors. 🏔️🚗
Flippy's Hot Take