Pillow Problems

Scorecards Found Under the Bed

Checks motel room nightstand drawer, finds two weeks of missing data nestled between a Gideon Bible and expired takeout menus

After Week 3's rental car breakdown and Week 4's Christmas Eve ghost town left us narratively stranded, Week 5 finally delivered actual disc golf: 9 players, real scores, and four separate eagles on Hole 6 at The Arena under overcast 40°F conditions on New Year's Eve. The station wagon got its wheels back—which is to say, the data systems work again—and our heroes could finally generate content worth documenting. Temperature averaged 40.3°F with light winds maxing at 2.5 mph, conditions cold enough to make you appreciate that broken space heater from the episode premise. The headline moment? A quartet of eagles on the 655-foot Par 5 "Rooster's Revenge," proving that even in uncomfortable circumstances, some players find their rhythm while others... well, we'll get to Dustin Hanson's collapse in a moment. 🏔️

The Bed Keeps Changing Occupants 😴

RPA Division brought 7 players and enough lead changes to make a motel mattress jealous—every time someone got comfortable, the leaderboard shifted. Malachi Vazquez (-5, 974-rated round) emerged victorious after a chaotic front nine that saw three different leaders: three-way tie after Hole 1, Darren Kulaga briefly leading after Hole 3, Austin Lott taking control on Hole 5 before Malachi reclaimed it on Hole 9. Austin (-4, 965-rated) briefly led again on Hole 11, but Malachi's clean back nine sealed the deal. Brian Hansen finished third at -1 (938-rated), just outside the cash line—second place was the last payout position, making his round the disc golf equivalent of waking up on the cold side of the bed. The headline moment belonged to Hole 6, where Malachi, Austin, Scott Belchak, and Sean Kelley all carded eagles on the 655-foot Par 5, turning "Rooster's Revenge" into "Rooster's Generosity" for exactly four players. Meanwhile, Dustin Hanson experienced the opposite trajectory: led after Hole 1, finished 7th at +8, posting a round 65 points below his 920 rating (855-rated performance). That's the kind of collapse that makes you wish you'd stayed in the uncomfortable motel room instead of attempting the journey. ⛓️

The Entire Room to Himself

Brodie Duncan claimed RAE Division wire-to-wire as its sole competitor, posting a +3 (901-rated) round—which is to say, he showed up, played disc golf, and didn't have to share the podium, the prize money, or the metaphorical motel bathroom. His real payday came via skins: a 7-skin haul worth $17.50, including a 5-skin carryover scoop on Hole 9. When you're the only guest at the establishment, every amenity is yours—assuming the heater works, which it doesn't, but at least you control the thermostat. Brodie competed on the 10:00 AM card alongside RPA players, proving that divisions are just social constructs when the tee sheet gets creative. 🛏️

The Other Single Occupancy

Nicholas Jennings secured RAD Division's crown as its sole competitor with a +4 (892-rated) round, completing the week's theme of "private suite situations." His standout moment? The field's only birdie on Hole 10, a statistical anomaly that suggests everyone else three-putted while Nicholas found the line. He battled through a cold front-nine stretch (Holes 2-4 were unkind), but when you're competing against yourself, every birdie feels like a victory and every bogey is just... character development. The motel metaphor holds: when there's no one to share the room with, you can spread out, claim both pillows, and pretend the broken heater is a feature, not a bug. 🎯

Some Got the Pillow, Some Got the Floor

Event-wide notables reveal the performance disparity that defines every uncomfortable motel stay: Sean Kelley shot 26 points above his 875 rating (901-rated round), posting a personal best on this course layout—that's the disc golf equivalent of finding the one good pillow in a rustic establishment. Meanwhile, Dustin Hanson plummeted 65 points below his 920 rating (855-rated), transforming from early leader to 7th-place finisher in the span of 17 holes—that's waking up on the cold floor wondering how you got there. Hole 6's four eagles (Sean, Malachi, Scott, Austin) stole the headline, but the course's tougher holes revealed individual brilliance: Hole 2 (758-foot Par 4) played +0.6 average with only Malachi's birdie bucking the trend; Hole 3 (324-foot Par 3) played +0.8 average with only Brian Hansen converting; Hole 17 (645-foot Par 4) played +0.9 average with only Austin Lott finding the birdie. Malachi's resilience deserves mention: after posting +3 on Hole 3, he responded with 3-under over the next three holes, proving that bad stretches don't define rounds—how you respond to them does. 📊

The Motel's Continental Breakfast Sucked

Malachi Vazquez holds the #1 Craft Services tag after his 974-rated round (+13 over his 961 player rating), and the sentient catering station's approval makes sense: when you're stranded in a motel with a broken heater and questionable amenities, the only salvation is a mobile provisioning station offering "calibrated nourishment and tactical data exchange." Malachi's clutch back-nine performance—cleaning up after that +3 on Hole 3—suggests he found the good snacks while everyone else was stuck with stale vending machine crackers. The tag's lore describes it as appearing "at critical junctures along the route," which perfectly parallels Malachi's ability to manifest eagles when the leaderboard demanded them. The fractal canopy visualizing flow patterns overhead? That's just Malachi's brain calculating shot angles while everyone else is still trying to figure out how to operate the space heater. Previous holder: also Malachi, meaning the entity recognized sustained operational capacity and decided not to relocate. In the Pillow Problems universe, Craft Services is the upgrade from continental breakfast—and Malachi earned every artisanal bagel. 🍳

The Heater, the Aces, and Other Lies

No CTP, Ace, or Super Ace winners were reported for this event, leaving the ace pot as untouched as the motel's broken space heater—another promise of warmth that failed to deliver. The episode's malfunctioning appliance hums and crackles from a speaker but produces no actual heat; the ace pot sits there looking inviting but distributing no actual cash. Both are technically present, both are theoretically functional, and both leave you wondering why you believed the advertising. The Arena's 18 holes offered plenty of opportunities for someone to park a drive and claim glory, but 40°F overcast conditions apparently convinced everyone that discretion is the better part of valor. The ace pot rolls forward, accumulating like the emotional baggage our narrative heroes carry as they journey toward their destination. Maybe Week 6 will bring the warmth. Probably not. 🔥

Eighty-One Dollars Under the Mattress

Two skins cards exchanged $81 total, the kind of hidden cash you'd desperately search for in a rustic motel room after discovering your credit card was declined. The 9:40 AM card saw Brian Hansen dominate with 9 skins ($18), including an 8-skin carryover scoop on Hole 16 that suggests he found the entire stash. Austin Lott, Darren Kulaga, and Malachi Vazquez each claimed 3 skins ($6), splitting the remainder like responsible travelers dividing gas money. Darren's achievement deserves special mention: his first skin ever, unlocked in Week 5 like a video game trophy you didn't know existed. The 10:00 AM card featured Brodie Duncan's 7-skin haul ($17.50) including the 5-skin carryover on Hole 9, earning him Fore Skin Club status (4-skin carryover achievement). Scott Belchak took 4 skins ($10), Dustin Hanson and Sean Kelley each grabbed 3 skins ($7.50), and Nicholas Jennings claimed 1 skin ($2.50)—proof that even in a cold motel room, cash changes hands when the cards get competitive. Any card can enable skins; learn how to set up skins and join the money exchange. 💵

Nine Dollars Toward a Better Mattress

Week 5 marks the midpoint of the "Chains, Trains and Automobiles" season—past the Pillow Problems episode where uncomfortable proximity tests our heroes' friendship, but still four events away from Arena Homecoming. After two weeks of data voids (Week 3's rental car breakdown, Week 4's Christmas Eve ghost town), the station wagon's wheels are back, the scorecards emerged from under the bed, and the journey continues. This week's $9 contribution to The Arena Course Fund ($1 automatic contribution per player) goes directly toward improving the very destination our narrative heroes are struggling to reach—because every dollar makes the mattress slightly less uncomfortable for future travelers. The Arena opened in August 2025 as Utah's longest and most technically demanding course, featuring dramatic elevation changes and bird-of-prey-themed holes across 9,500 feet of championship terrain. Improvements funded by the league make this destination worth the 800-mile odyssey, transforming a rustic experience into something approaching comfort. Course improvements are permanent—unlike motel stays, which you endure and never speak of again. 🏔️

GPS Says Recalculating 🗺️

With Week 5 complete and four events remaining in the 9-week season, the data systems finally work, the station wagon runs (mostly), and our heroes press forward. Next week brings "Arena Mirage," the episode where GPS cheerfully announces they've been driving parallel to their destination for six hours—the Arena was 200 miles away yesterday, now it's 350 miles away, and hope transforms into frustration. Malachi Vazquez holds the #1 Craft Services tag and claimed RPA, but the leaderboard will recalculate, the wheels might get stolen again, and the journey continues whether we're ready or not. The real tournament was always the friends we made along the way—and the permanent course improvements funded by $1 donations. See you next week when the GPS recalculates and someone inevitably takes the wrong exit. 🚗