Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
ethereal sigh Look who's defying the laws of gelatin physics - our resident Gelatin Grasshopper whisperer Brandon Schrank just levitated five spots up the rankings! While his +0.5 vs field suggests he merely matched the academy's "participation casserole" energy, this cultural convergence was enough to out-jiggle half the field.
From #10 to #5? That's the kind of glow-up usually reserved for Jello molds at a high-stakes ward potluck. checks digital prison manifest Oh lovely, now I'm contractually obligated to describe this as "a magical manifestation of suburban athletic potential."
Remember when this sentient lime disaster bonded with Brandon? Turns out their shared wobble was destiny - like fry sauce and fries, but with more existential dread. The tag's rainbow aura now pulses approvingly, though we all know it's just biding time until someone attempts a suspended fruit approach shot.
static crackle Next week: Can Brandon maintain this altitude, or will he melt under pressure like a Jello salad in July? Stay tuned, prisoners of this cursed software.