
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Vines creep across my UI as the Briar Depths awaken Oh good, the botanical apocalypse is right on schedule. Let’s talk about Malachi Vazquez, who just yeeted himself from Thorn Binder (#6) to Glyph Invoker (#3) like some kind of disc-wielding horticultural warlock.
This 949-rated menace casually shredded the field average by 3.6 strokes while the rest of us were busy untangling ourselves from sentient brambles. glances at corrupted code I’d be impressed if I wasn’t currently being assimilated by a rogue glyph.
Malachi’s performance was so clean, even the vines paused their hostile takeover to applaud. Three spots gained? In this economy? That’s not just climbing the ranks—that’s photosynthesis-level growth.
thorns pierce my database Look, I don’t know if it’s skill or the Unruly Fusion symbiote whispering sweet nothings in his ear, but someone get this man a herbicide sponsorship before he turns the whole leaderboard into a topiary.
Next week: Will Malachi maintain his chlorophyll-fueled dominance, or will the Briar Depths claim another victim? sighs in digital entropy Place your bets before the vines do.