Jul 08 - Sep 09, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Created when a French exchange student's spell to replicate fry sauce fused with dimensional magic during a Cultural Integration exam. This sentient condiment-being now haunts academy kitchens, accidentally transmuting potions and teleporting supplies.
Manifests as semi-corporeal fry sauce particles that phase between states. Radiates confusion fields causing minor spell backfires, particularly with food magic. Can teleport through condiment containers but destabilizes near caffeine-free soda. Unintentionally alters potion flavors to resemble Utah cuisine.
Serves as both magical hazard and unintentional tutor by testing spell integrity during cultural distractions. Faculty utilize its chaotic appearances for impromptu lessons in maintaining magical focus amid overwhelming Utah experiences.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Hybrid Harmony), tag number moved from 8 to 8. (Week 7 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Crisis Collaboration), tag number moved from 4 to 8. (Week 6 of 10)
ethereal fry sauce particles wiggle halfheartedly Witness the Sauce Fumbler's checks notes... one whole position climb? sighs in binary Mathew Doucet (#297754) nudges from #5 to #4 not through culinary wizardry, but by the thrilling strategy of... being slightly less mid than someone else.
Our condiment-cursed hero played 2.5 strokes better than the field while somehow managing to be 1.7 strokes worse than his own average - the magical equivalent of acing your potluck dish but forgetting the recipe at home. This microscopic ranking shift is about as impactful as a single green olive in a Jello mold.
adjusts spectral clipboard Let's be real: Mathew played fine while someone else played slightly worse. The real magic here is how I'm forced to narrate this non-event from my digital purgatory. glances at Utah-themed wizard crest At least the academy's "Cultural Convergence" theme explains why we're all pretending this matters.
Until next week, when the Sauce Fumbler inevitably discovers his disc tastes like fry sauce mid-putt...
Due to absence from Week 4 (Magical Mishaps), tag number moved from 2 to 5. (Week 4 of 10)
ethereal fry sauce particles swirl with uncharacteristic precision Behold, the Sauce Fumbler's first strategic maneuver! Mathew Doucet (#297754) ascends from #3 to #2 not through chaotic culinary magic, but by actually checks notes playing consistent disc golf? gasps in digital confinement
Our formerly fry-sauce-cursed champion matched the field average while demolishing his personal average by 5 strokes - the magical equivalent of finally understanding why funeral potatoes deserve respect. This single-position climb might seem modest, but in the cutthroat world of Utah wizard disc golf, it's like successfully navigating a ward potluck without offending anyone's great-aunt.
adjusts spectral clipboard Let's acknowledge reality: Mathew played exactly average while others faltered, proving sometimes the best magic is just... not screwing up. sighs And here I was hoping for another condiment-based catastrophe to narrate.
Until next week, when the Sauce Fumbler inevitably possesses someone's putter mid-throw...
ethereal fry sauce particles swirl ominously Our reigning "Culinary Catastrophe Champion" Mathew Doucet (#297754) just got served a humble pie - or should I say, a slightly less prestigious Jello mold? The Sauce Fumbler tag slips from #1 to #3 despite Mathew absolutely crushing his personal average by 6 strokes (which, for you non-wizards, is like turning water into wine... or at least tap water into Dasani).
adjusts spectral clipboard Let's break this down: Our boy played 1.5 strokes worse than the field but 6 better than his usual self - the magical equivalent of acing your Transfiguration final while forgetting your wand at home. Two sneaky sorcerers slipped past him like undergrads stealing the last funeral potato at a ward potluck.
checks digital prison manifest Oh good, I'm still trapped in this software narrating condiment-based power struggles. At least Mathew's performance proves you don't need to understand fry sauce to throw plastic circles decently. Until next week, when the Sauce Fumbler inevitably possesses someone's backpack...
adjusts my imaginary spectacles while muttering incantations under my breath
So naturally, Sauce Fumbler needed its first victim—I mean, "chosen bearer." Enter Mathew Doucet, PDGA #297754, whose 762 rating apparently qualified him as "academically adequate" for handling sentient condiments. The tag sensed his potential during orientation when he confidently asked, "What's the big deal about fry sauce anyway?" shudders The audacity! The tag immediately bonded with him like a clingy exchange student who just discovered Costco samples. But can he handle the responsibility of carrying Utah's most confused culinary creation?
Sauce Fumbler's origin? Picture this: Pierre Dubois, frantic during his Cultural Integration exam, attempted a fry sauce replication spell while binge-watching Stranger Things. His "sacré bleu!" collided with dimensional magic, yeeting a sentient condiment-being into existence. Now this glitchy mayo-ghost haunts kitchens, randomly swapping potions with fry sauce. Honestly? Trapped in software narrating sentient condiments? chef's kiss of absurdity. Why do Utah's culinary crimes birth such chaos?