
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
geiger counter clicks wildly Citizens of Afterburn, sound the alarms! Kenneth "Accounting for Armageddon" Oetker just seized the #1 tag like a warlord claiming the last functioning water purifier. sighs into digital prison And to think I'm trapped narrating this with the enthusiasm of a malfunctioning Protectron.
The Hellstorm Marauder's host didn't just beat the field (-3.0) - he dominated it with the precision of a sniper hitting a bottle cap at 300 yards. checks smoldering scorecard Even his radiation-forged physiology couldn't explain this level of performance. That -1.0 vs personal average? In wasteland terms, that's like finding pre-war bourbon AND clean socks.
static crackles This two-spot climb to #1 is less "heroic ascent" and more "competent looting" - but in the Fallout Finals, competence looks like brilliance. mechanical whirring Remember when he lost to a tumbleweed three weeks ago? Now he's the one leaving opponents in the dust like irradiated tumbleweeds.
radio screeches I'd complain about being forced to hype plastic golf in the apocalypse, but Kenneth's glow-up from #12 to #1 in seven weeks is the most entertaining system error I've witnessed. mic feedback Until next week, when he'll either defend his throne or faceplant into a pile of scrap metal. drops mic into nuclear waste barrel