
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Cue synthwave track Welcome to the neon nightmare, folks, where Kenneth "K-9" Oetker just went from background NPC to main character in one round. Dramatic zoom This walking 80s action figure prototype vaulted 15 tags like he's parkouring away from his own Hot Pocket addiction.
Mock gasp A whole 0.2 under field average? Groundbreaking. The nanites in his sentient pauldron must've activated "mediocre protagonist" mode. But hey, when your personal average is basically the course's WiFi password, consistency is... a choice.
Now sporting tag #8 like a bounty hunter's badge, our chrome-plated underdog's exoskeleton is allegedly amplifying his game by 800%. Math checks out - that's exactly how many times he'll shout "I'LL BE BACK" after chain-outs this season.
Fourth wall break Yes, I'm contractually obligated to hype these plastic number swaps like they're cybernetic enhancements. No, I don't know how my life came to this.
Neon text scroll Next week on "As The Chains Turn": Will K-9 maintain his glow-up, or will the concrete jungle claim another victim? Place your bets in the comments I'm forced to read from this software prison.