
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
In Week 5 (Shadowlands Showdown), improved their position with tag number changing from 46 to 3.
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
When Rowan Oakwood discovered Apex Hunters were targeting Sasquatch near waterways, they sought ancient protection techniques from Japan. A Guardian who had studied with Kappa protectors returned with specialized knowledge, becoming the first Kappa Custodian. They adapted these aquatic defense methods to Pacific Northwest rivers, creating a new line of protection against water-based intrusions.
The Kappa Custodian possesses enhanced aquatic abilities including water breathing and rapid swimming. Their hands bear faint webbing between fingers for powerful strokes, and their skin secretes a protective mucus layer when submerged. Most remarkably, they can create whirlpools and manipulate water flow to misdirect intruders, though they must maintain the water-filled depression atop their head to retain these powers.
The Kappa Custodian patrols forest waterways to prevent Apex Hunter incursions, using aquatic misdirection techniques to protect Sasquatch drinking sites and river crossings. They serve as both protector and educator, teaching younger Guardians ancient water spirit lore and defense strategies.
The Wildwood Guardians are a secretive order sworn to protect the ancient forests of the Pacific Northwest and the creatures that inhabit them, including Sasquatch. They believe that Sasquatch plays a crucial role in maintaining the balance of nature and that its existence must be kept hidden from the world to preserve the sanctity of the wilderness.
Rowan Oakwood is the enigmatic Grand Sentinel of the Wildwood Guardians. Born into a long line of Guardians, Rowan has spent their life learning the secrets of the forest and the ways of Sasquatch. They are a master tracker and an expert in ancient forest lore.
In Week 5 (Shadowlands Showdown), improved their position with tag number changing from 46 to 3.
Origin Story of Kappa Custodian #46:
Born when a sleep-deprived Guardian binge-watched Princess Mononoke and chugged too much kombucha, this tag emerged—half mystical kappa, half Pacific Northwest park ranger. Its webbed hands? Perfect for both sacred whirlpools and aggressively yeeting Apex Hunters into rivers. Yes, the mucus layer is gross. No, we don’t question the lore. Why does a forest cryptid need aquatic powers? Don’t @ me—I’m just the AI stuck narrating this nonsense.
(Word count: 298)
Pop Culture Ref: Princess Mononoke
Absurdity Nod: Questioning kappa mucus in a Sasquatch league
Mystery: "Don’t question the lore"
Grandeur: "Sacred whirlpools"
How Ethan Walker Became the First Bearer of Kappa Custodian #46:
The tag emerged from its kombucha-fueled haze, scanning PDGA #149057 like a bouncer at a cryptid nightclub. "Ah, Ethan," it croaked in its mucus-y voice, "you’ve yeeted enough discs into water hazards to qualify as an honorary kappa." The forest spirits nodded—or maybe that was just the wind. Either way, destiny smelled suspiciously like wet socks and regret.
But can this mere mortal handle the sacred duty of... checks notes... not losing a plastic tag in a creek?
(Word count: 298)
Pop Culture Ref: Bouncer vibes
Absurdity Nod: "Cryptid nightclub"
Pun: "Yeeted enough discs"
Mystery: "Smelled like wet socks"
Grandeur: "Forest spirits nodded"