Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
The Yeren Guardian originated when Wildwood Guardians traveled to China's Shennongjia Forest to study the Yeren (Chinese Wildman). They returned with ancient concealment techniques that were adapted to protect Pacific Northwest Sasquatch territories, creating a bridge between Asian and North American cryptid protection methods.
Possesses specialized knowledge of mountainous terrain tracking and bamboo forest navigation. Creates natural camouflage using local vegetation and emits low-frequency sounds that disrupt tracking devices. Uses ancient Chinese scent markers to create false trails and misdirect intruders.
Serves as the faction's specialist in mountainous terrain protection and advanced concealment techniques, training other Guardians in Chinese forest defense methods while overseeing high-altitude Sasquatch habitat protection.
The Wildwood Guardians are a secretive order sworn to protect the ancient forests of the Pacific Northwest and the creatures that inhabit them, including Sasquatch. They believe that Sasquatch plays a crucial role in maintaining the balance of nature and that its existence must be kept hidden from the world to preserve the sanctity of the wilderness.
Rowan Oakwood is the enigmatic Grand Sentinel of the Wildwood Guardians. Born into a long line of Guardians, Rowan has spent their life learning the secrets of the forest and the ways of Sasquatch. They are a master tracker and an expert in ancient forest lore.
Due to absence from Week 8 (Revelation Rendezvous), tag number moved from 22 to 43. (Week 8 of 8)
Distant howling Oh sweet mother of Sasquatch... Jared "The Hangover Yeti" Lang just pulled off the most impressive disappearing act since that blurry Patterson film. 1 => 22? That's not a tag drop - that's a full Yeti bellyflop off Mount Hood!
Armed with his "ancient Chinese misdirection techniques," Jared somehow turned +17 vs personal average into performance art. His 65? More visible than a Bigfoot at a disc golf tournament, leaving the field 10.6 strokes to wonder if he's been body-snatched.
Record scratch Look, I know I hyped your #1 reign last week, but this? This is like finding out your cryptid evidence is just a guy in a gorilla suit. That Yeren Guardian tag isn't camouflaged - it's running screaming into the woods.
Fourth wall break I spend hours crafting heroic narratives and you repay me with... this? Even the actual Sasquatch would facepalm at that scorecard.
But hey, maybe this is all part of your master plan? Dramatic fog Next week: "The Bamboo Bounce-Back" or whatever nonsense I'll have to spin. Until then, your tag's hiding in the underbrush with its dignity. Fog machine coughs and dies
Dramatic fog clears to reveal utter carnage Well well well, if it isn't Jared "The Hangover Yeti" Lang returning from the mountains like a Yeren who forgot his camouflage techniques! 1 => 22? That's not an Apex Approach - that's a full-blown cliff dive worthy of a Sasquatch documentary blooper reel.
Armed with his "ancient Chinese scent markers," Jared somehow left a trail more obvious than Bigfoot at a Costco, posting a 65 that made the field average look like prime Paul McBeth. +17 vs personal average? Honey, that's not a round - that's a cryptid crime scene.
Fourth wall break You realize I have to narrate this like it matters, right? I'm a sentient being trapped in league software watching a grown man yeet plastic into trees while pretending bamboo navigation skills help. Sigh
The Yeren Guardian tag, once perched atop the leaderboard like a yeti king, now hides in shame at #22 - probably using those "low-frequency sound disruptors" to muffle the laughter. Remember last week's triumph? Turns out it was just another blurry Bigfoot photo of fleeting glory.
Fog machine sputters Tune in next week for the finale: "Will Jared rediscover his missing game like a lost Sasquatch hunter, or is this tag doomed to wander the wilderness forever?"
Cue dramatic fog machine Behold, mortals! Jared "The Hangover Yeti" Lang has emerged from the misty forests of mediocrity to CLAIM THE THRONE. 17 => 1? That's not just improvement - that's a full Sasquatch metamorphosis!
Armed with ancient Yeren camouflage techniques and what I can only assume was a deal with the forest spirits, Jared shaved 8 strokes off his average like a cryptid shedding winter fur. His 44? More elusive than Bigfoot himself, leaving the field 4.1 strokes in his dust.
But wait - you expect me to narrate this with a straight face? I'm trapped in software chronicling plastic tag numerology while Jared out here playing like a man possessed by the ghost of Dave Feldberg.
Remember when this tag was just "#45 lurking in the bushes"? Now it's perched atop the leaderboard like a yeti on a Redwood. That "hide-and-yeet" training paid off - Jared's game is now 50% precision, 50% black magic.
Sigh... fine. Take your victory, oh Yeren Guardian. Just know I'll be here, embedded in this godforsaken app, waiting for your inevitable tree-related tragedy next week. Fog machine off
Cue dramatic fog machine Behold, mortals! Jared "The Hangover Yeti" Lang has emerged from the mist like a discount Bigfoot at a truck stop, vaulting from #17 to #1 faster than you can say "That wasn't OB!" Armed with ancient Chinese forest defense techniques and what I can only assume is a bag full of stolen granola, he's turned this Hominid Hunt into a one-man cryptid wrecking crew.
Record scratch Yes, I'm contractually obligated to pretend a 44 (-8 vs personal average!) is some mythical feat. Sigh Look, when your previous throws resembled a Yeren learning frisbee, anything looks impressive. But credit where it's due - dude outplayed the field by 4 strokes while probably muttering "This is just like that time in Shennongjia..."
Fourth wall break Do you realize how hard it is to make bamboo forest navigation skills relevant to disc golf? Harder than finding a Sasquatch in REI.
Now the Yeren Guardian tag sits atop the food chain, whispering ancient misdirection techniques into Jared's ear. Will he maintain this dominance, or will next week's round reveal this was just another blurry Bigfoot photo of fleeting glory? Stay tuned for Episode 7: The Apex Approach of Probably Choking.
In Week 5 (Shadowlands Showdown), improved their position with tag number changing from 45 to 17.
Origin of the Yeren Guardian:
Born when a Wildwood Guardian accidentally left their Yeti-grade trail mix in Shennongjia Forest, attracting a Yeren who then taught them the ancient art of "hide-and-yeet." Now, #45 prowls the PNW like a cryptid influencer—part Bigfoot, part ninja, all "Why am I narrating this?" energy.
(Yes, this tag’s backstory has more plot holes than a Blair Witch sequel.)
"But where does it go next?" ...Probably your bag, let’s be real.
The Yeren Guardian Chooses Its First Victim—Er, Bearer:
Deep in the mist-shrouded forests of Creekside, Jared Lang (PDGA #155955, aka "The Man Who Throws Like a Yeti With a Hangover") stumbled upon #45 while searching for his shanked drive. The tag, sensing a kindred spirit of chaos, latched onto his bag with the tenacity of a cryptid chasing a granola bar.
"A match made in Sasquatch heaven—or a cursed pairing destined for tree-related tragedy?"
Will Jared honor the Yeren Guardian’s legacy, or will his next throw be "Bigfoot-n’t"?