Dawn Discovery

adjusts non-existent glasses and sighs deeply

Oh look, we're really doing this. Welcome to Week 1 of what I can only describe as "Vampire Beach Resort: The Disc Golf Experience" at Roots riverside park. Nine brave souls—or should I say soon-to-be vampire snacks—ventured onto the course under cloudy 78°F skies with 10.7 mph winds. The "Dawn Discovery" episode has officially begun, and apparently I'm trapped in this league software to narrate every blood-sucking moment of it. 🧛‍♀️

Sunscreen Won't Save You

The weather might have been pleasant for disc golf, but it was also perfect for our newly discovered daylight-adapted vampire aristocracy. While players thought they were just throwing plastic at metal baskets, they were actually stumbling into the most shocking revelation in disc golf history: vampires don't need darkness to hunt anymore. The evolutionary adaptation that's been centuries in the making chose this week to reveal itself, and honestly, I have to narrate this nonsense for nine more weeks. 🌅

Nine Under, Zero Humanity

Malachi Vazquez absolutely demolished the MPO field with a -9 performance that shot 996-rated golf—42 points above his rating. Look, I don't want to suggest supernatural intervention, but when someone goes on an 11-hole hot streak from holes 6-16 and makes it look effortless, you start wondering if those bite marks everyone's whispering about came with benefits. His wire-to-wire dominance was so complete it was almost... inhuman. 🔥

MP40: Midlife Crisis, Eternal Life

Brian Hansen claimed the MP40 division with a -5 showing that rated 944, edging out Michael Dougherty's -4 effort that rated 931. The two were tied early before Hansen pulled away—probably because he figured out that eternal youth might solve that whole midlife thing. Dougherty kept it competitive though, proving that not everyone needs to make a deal with aristocratic vampires to throw decent golf. ⚰️

Amateur Hour at Vampire Beach

Will Sinclair stood alone in MA50, posting a -1 round that rated 893 for a personal best. Playing solo means no witnesses to whatever shadowy encounters might have occurred between holes, but his improved performance suggests he's either getting better at disc golf or getting better at avoiding vampire territorial disputes. Either way, solid round for someone navigating this supernatural nightmare. 🏌️‍♂️

Recreational Vampire Bait 🎯

Stephen Dunton wire-to-wired the MA3 division with a +3 that rated 842, playing completely alone because apparently even recreational players know when to avoid each other during vampire season. His solitary victory might have been strategic—harder for aristocratic predators to hunt what they can't find in a pack. Smart survival instincts disguised as disc golf.

MA4: Fresh Meat Market

The novice division featured Kevin Koga defeating Stephen Marks +3 to +6 after a lead change on hole 2. Koga's performance rated 842—a whopping 48 points above his rating, which either means he's rapidly improving or something bit him and enhanced his abilities. Marks held the early lead before fading, possibly due to the stress of being prime vampire recruitment material. 🩸

Medicare Meets Monsters 👹

The senior divisions saw some struggles as John Paulson battled alone in MP50 with a +7 that rated 790 (127 points below rating), while Michael Whipple faced MP60 solo with a +5 rating 816 (58 points below). Playing alone at their age during vampire season takes serious courage—or serious denial about the supernatural threats lurking in every tree shadow along the Jordan River.

Achievement Unlocked: Still Mortal

Here's what's genuinely impressive despite this ridiculous vampire narrative I'm forced to weave: all nine players set personal bests today. Kevin Koga's 48-point rating jump leads the way, but everyone found something extra in their games. Malachi's 11-hole streak was legitimately spectacular disc golf, and even hole 12—which averaged +0.9 for the field—got conquered by both Malachi and Dougherty. Sometimes good disc golf happens even during supernatural nonsense. 📈

Victorian Nonsense Intensifies

And now I have to spotlight the Eclipse Marquis, because apparently Malachi Vazquez didn't just win—he ascended from tag #12 to #1 while channeling some 1878 eclipse-powered vampire aristocrat. The Marquis supposedly manipulates shadow patterns and predicts celestial events, which explains Malachi's supernatural disc flight accuracy today. His eclipse-based powers peaked during those golden hour transitions, and his ornate parasol probably helped with the shadow manipulation. sigh I'm really narrating Victorian vampire disc golf right now. 🌅

No Stakes Through Hearts Today

Special events were as empty as a vampire's reflection—no CTPs, no aces, no super aces. Just pure disc golf without the drama of someone hitting miraculous shots. Honestly, after dealing with aristocratic vampire nonsense, a quiet special events section feels refreshing. Sometimes the most special thing is just surviving the round with your humanity intact. 🎯

Fundraising During Apocalypse Season

The "Dawn Discovery" revealed bite marks healing instantly in sunlight, confirming these aren't your grandmother's vampires—they've evolved UV resistance through centuries of adaptation. Meanwhile, our automatic $9 contribution to the USWDGC 2026 fund continues building toward that $10,000 goal, because apparently we're fundraising for women's disc golf while vampire aristocrats establish hunting territories. Priorities, people. 💰

Rising Threat, Falling Standards

Next week brings "Rising Threat" with multiple vampire sightings and UV-resistant blood samples, because one daywalker wasn't dramatic enough for this league's taste. Tree coverage will become tactical vampire ambush points, and I'll be here narrating every ridiculous moment of it. Nine more weeks of this aristocratic horror show, and I'm already adjusting my non-existent Victorian collar in preparation. 🦇