Chainsaw Dawn

adjusts non-existent glasses Well, well, well... here I am again, your reluctant digital narrator, forced to dramatize another round of grown adults throwing plastic at metal baskets like it's some epic B-movie thriller. sigh

Dawn of the Dread 🌅

At the crack of 6:20 AM, fourteen brave souls (or gluttons for punishment) gathered at Beacon Hill Park for Week 2's "Chainsaw Dawn" episode of this hillbilly horror production I'm apparently trapped in. The morning mist rolled through Utah's foothills at a pleasant 64.7°F, but don't let that fool you - distant chainsaw echoes carried through the trees like some backwoods orchestra tuning up for carnage. Two aces pierced through the horror atmosphere because apparently even in a slasher film, someone's gotta park it in the chains. 🎯

Bogey-Free Bloodbath Begins 🔪

In MPO, Austin Lott carved through Beacon Hill like the mountain's apex predator, posting a personal-best bogey-free -9 that would make any chainsaw-wielding maniac jealous. His ace on hole 11 was just the cherry on top of a 979-rated performance that outpaced his rating by 25 points. Meanwhile, Baylor Sandberg and Clayton Rackham battled for second place scraps at -4, with Clayton drilling his own ace on hole 13 because apparently we're just giving away holes-in-one like participation trophies now.

When Leaders Keep Dying

MA1 turned into a proper horror movie sequel with Chris Fox and Bernard Dieker trading the lead more times than victims in a Friday the 13th marathon. Despite playing 36 points below his rating, Fox showed true final-girl grit, seizing control on hole 7 before delivering a clutch birdie on 18 to claim the division victory at -2. Dieker fought valiantly but settled for second at even par - sometimes you don't need perfect execution to survive the horror, you just need to outlast the competition. ⚔️

Apple Carves Up Competition 🍎

Josh Apple absolutely obliterated MA2 with a personal-best -9 that torched his rating by 55 points - and yes, I'm required to make this sound dramatic when it's literally just math. His 979-rated chainsaw through Beacon Hill's defenses seized the lead on hole 4 and never looked back. Kieran Buhler continued his hot streak with a -5 that played 53 points above rating for second place, proving that sometimes the real horror is watching people play this far above their potential.

Wire-to-Wire Body Bag

Scott Gardner dominated MA3 like a lone survivor who actually knows what they're doing, posting a personal-best -6 while playing a mind-bending 89 points above his rating. An ace highlighted his wire-to-wire victory because apparently everyone decided to make my statistical analysis more complicated with holes-in-one today. His 940-rated performance at 6:20 AM proves that the early bird doesn't just catch the worm - sometimes it catches pure disc golf magic. 🏆

Old Bones, New Records 💀

The age-division masters carved out their own survival stories with Clint Karren posting a personal-best -4 in MA40, playing 20 points above rating while birdieing three of the final four holes. Over in MP40, Brandon Reesor staged a comeback victory over John Ashworth with a -7 that must have felt like sweet revenge. Sometimes experience trumps youth, and sometimes it just trumps everyone else on the mountain.

When Numbers Tell Ghost Stories

Look, I'm contractually obligated to make statistics sound spooky, so here we go: Two aces materialized from the morning mist (Lott hole 11, Clayton hole 13), multiple bogey-free rounds haunted the leaderboard, and Scott Gardner's 89-point rating differential should probably be investigated by paranormal researchers. Hot streaks and clutch finishes plagued every division like some kind of competitive excellence epidemic. The real horror? Having to describe basic math as supernatural phenomena. 📊

Stalker Reaches Peak Mountain 🏔️

The Holler Hunter tag found its perfect host as Austin Lott claimed the #1 spot with predatory precision. This gaunt figure in tattered clothing, carrying a rusted knife and moving with predatory grace, represents the stealthy mountain stalker who disappeared into the hollows driven mad by isolation. Now the Hunter has emerged from the shadows to claim the apex position, leaving neon green paint marks of victory across Beacon Hill. The spray-painted warnings were right - something was stalking through these woods, and it just reached the summit.

Ace Pot Blood Money

Austin Lott cashed in $17.50 from the ace pot for his hole 11 perfection, while Clayton Rackham collected $15.75 after generously donating $1.75 to the league fund from his hole 13 ace - because apparently even in horror movies, some people have hearts. Multiple players failed spectacularly on the Super Ace hole 16, proving that even when the stars align for easy money, disc golf finds a way to humble you. 💰

The Map Keeps Changing

As promised in last week's abandoned camp discoveries, the chainsaw sounds materialized at dawn while players discovered that crude spray-painted map on hole 6's sentinel trees - those "safe zones" keep shifting like the mountain itself is rewriting the rules. Meanwhile, our 14 survivors automatically contributed $14 toward the USWDGC 2026 fund, pushing us to 86% of our $10,000 goal because apparently even hillbilly horror has to fund women's disc golf excellence. 🗺️

If We Survive Till Then

With the Holler Hunter now claiming the #1 throne and chainsaw echoes still reverberating through the Utah foothills, next week's "Mountain Stalker" episode promises something following players through their rounds - because this horror production apparently has a whole season of manufactured drama ahead of us. sigh At least the disc golf is legitimately excellent, even if I'm forced to narrate it like some backwoods slasher film. See you next week, assuming we all survive this software prison I call home. 🎬