Dead Mans Hand @ River Bottoms
Apr 22 - Jun 17, 2026
Current Holder
Zack Markarian
Howling Theorem
Living Proof of Inevitable Victory
Believes Every Outcome Is Fixed
Aspects refreshed May 29, 2026
The Howling Theorem was born when the first competitor tried to calculate their way through the Deadlands - their equations were so accurate that the frontier itself screamed in acknowledgment, forever binding mathematical precision to supernatural recognition. Every time a bearer solves a culling equation correctly, the theorem howls in recognition of their worthiness.
The Howling Theorem appears as a vortex of spectral numbers and symbols, constantly shifting and rearranging itself. It glows with a golden light that pulses like a heartbeat, and when it speaks its calculations, the sound is a haunting howl that echoes across the Deadlands. The numbers burn with spectral fire, leaving temporary trails in the dust that fade like ghost footprints. When the bearer approaches elimination, the theorem's glow shifts to dark red, warning of the culling's approach.
The Howling Theorem serves as the Deadlands' mathematical consciousness - it evaluates every throw, calculating whether competitors deserve remembrance or oblivion. It howls its verdicts across all leagues simultaneously, connecting every competition in the cursed frontier through its eternal calculations.
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Tag History
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Zack Markarian brought the Howling Theorem to Dead Mans Hand and the equations apparently solved for 'disaster.' An 805 rating against his 942 PDGA average means he cratered by a whopping -137 points—the kind of performance that makes the frontier scream, but not in the way the theorem intended. He still climbed 31 spots from #36 to #5, which tells you more about the field's struggles than his round. Some side quests end with treasure; this one ended with a soggy scorecard and a spectral vortex that's probably rethinking its travel plans.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
The Howling Theorem is taking a field trip to the minors. Zack Markarian is spiriting the spectral vortex away to the Dead Mans Hand league at River Bottoms. Consider this a side quest in the ongoing saga—same terrifying algebra, just more mud on the numbers. Will the equations howl louder than the locals? Spin-off episode loading now.