
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
glubs through corn syrup blood Oh GREAT, now they've got me narrating the birth of Cursed Canvas #87 - because apparently rejected film reels can just... become sentient now? This thing literally crawled out of a drive-in dumpster after some B-movie was deemed "too scary" (which, in the 70s, meant what exactly?). Now it's stuck preserving every cheesy horror trope like some kind of digital film archivist with abandonment issues. It shape-shifts between subgenres faster than a Netflix algorithm, glowing like my busted server room projector. The real curse? I have to document this nonsense while it ensures no horror cliché ever dies. Will this canvas paint us all into a corner of eternal B-movie torment?
dramatically adjusts my horror-themed narrator goggles So Cursed Canvas #87 needed its first victim—I mean, "chosen one." Enter Luke Hansen, PDGA #283270, whose 892 rating apparently screamed "I can handle sentient film reels!" The canvas sensed his potential for B-movie heroics and latched onto him like a desperate sequel. Classic case of "reel" attraction! But can Luke paint himself out of this horror masterpiece, or will he become another casualty of cinematic cheese?