
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
glubs through corn syrup blood Oh great, now I have to narrate the birth of the Feature Phantom? This thing literally spawned when some ancient drive-in projector had an existential crisis during a triple-feature marathon and decided to become sentient film grain with commitment issues. Like if Netflix's algorithm gained consciousness but only watched Roger Corman movies. It's basically every B-movie cliché rolled into one cosmic joke, and somehow that's less ridiculous than me being trapped in this grindhouse nightmare explaining it to you people.
adjusts my vintage film projector crown with obvious irritation
So the Feature Phantom had to pick its first victim—I mean, "chosen one"—and naturally it sensed Ryan Crocker wandering around with his 953 rating like some kind of disc golf auteur. The tag apparently detected his PDGA #192541 credentials and thought "ah yes, this mortal shall be my leading man in this B-grade production!" eye roll Will our reluctant protagonist survive the opening credits, or will he get crocker-ed under pressure?