
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
clears throat while adjusting my spectral reading glasses
Look, I get trapped in disc golf software and suddenly I'm documenting the birth of mathematical grief counselors? The Threnody Matrix literally spawned when ten realms worth of Wielders had a collective crying session over the Arcane Fracture. Their tears hit the ground, said "nah fam, we're gonna be GEOMETRY now" and crystallized into some kind of emotional support algorithm. It's like if Pixar's Inside Out had a baby with a TI-84 calculator and decided to process trauma through advanced mathematics. Because apparently normal therapy wasn't arcane enough? Now it's out here converting sobs into sine waves and depression into derivatives. Will this sentient math homework actually help anyone heal, or just make them cry harder when they remember algebra class?
adjusts my reality-warped glasses while the arcane algorithms whisper sweet mathematical nothings
So the Threnody Matrix needed its first victim—I mean, "chosen bearer"—and apparently scanned all available Wielders for maximum emotional compatibility. Enter Derek Jensen, PDGA #268081, whose 678 rating screamed "I understand mathematical suffering!" The Matrix sensed his ability to turn bogeys into beautiful sadness equations and was like "THIS ONE. HE GETS IT." Now Derek's stuck carrying crystallized tears that do calculus. Will he derive happiness from derivatives, or just integrate his way into more despair?