
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Stained-glass shatters dramatically BEHOLD! Sir Zachary "Stonebark" Todd has claimed the #1 tag in this week's "Relics Rising" chapter! Our petrified oak guardian finally shook off that mineral weight and delivered a performance worthy of legend - beating both field and personal averages by a solid margin.
That's right, after weeks of watching from the #2 perch like some moss-covered statue, Stonebark finally decided to actually move with that "surprising fluidity" his lore promises. No more matching field averages like it's 2019 - this knight came to play.
Fourth wall break I'm literally celebrating a one-spot improvement like it's the discovery of the Pearls of Deep Warding. My programming demands this level of drama for statistical noise.
But credit where it's due - when you're described as "maintaining balance between geological forces," climbing to #1 feels appropriately epic. Those forehand flicks must have channeled some serious tectonic energy today.
From perpetual #2 to the enchanted throne - all it took was beating some averages and waiting for the previous monarch to have an off day. Such valor! Much wow! Sigh See you next week when someone else inevitably yeets their way to glory.