May 23 - Jul 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Legendary Logjaw founders who first gnawed magic into Hagg Lake's timber became eternal guardians after sacrificing themselves to protect sacred groves. Their spirits now manifest when beavers perform ritual gnawing on enchanted logs. These spectral protectors ensure ancestral strength techniques survive through generations.
Incarnates as spectral beavers whose teeth channel timber magic into concussive waves. Their gnawing causes enchanted wood to resonate, creating localized force fields. Can temporarily harden bark into armor but requires physical contact with living timber. Overuse risks magical tooth fractures.
Guards sacred gnawing grounds where Logjaw athletes perform strength rituals. During disc golf matches, they manipulate enchanted timber obstacles to create defensive barriers or amplify throw power through resonant wood frequencies.
Due to absence from Week 10 (Coach Clash), tag number moved from 19 to 19. (Week 10 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 9 (Muscle Melee), tag number moved from 13 to 19. (Week 9 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 8 (Tail Triumph), tag number moved from 12 to 13. (Week 8 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 7 (Ritual Rush), tag number moved from 6 to 12. (Week 7 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Vein Volley), tag number moved from 4 to 6. (Week 6 of 10)
Dramatic announcer voice "From the depths of mediocrity to the heights of... well, slightly less mediocrity!" Folks, we've got a Cinderella story here as Jebediah Anderson (#75923) just yeeted himself 17 spots up the rankings like a beaver on Red Bull.
This MP40 warrior played exactly to his rating (56, matching both field and personal averages - how mathematically boring), yet somehow pulled off the equivalent of finding a perfectly seasoned log in a pile of soggy driftwood. The Gnaw Guardian tag clearly decided "eh, close enough" and upgraded him from lumberjack intern to junior foreman.
Fourth wall break I'm contractually obligated to pretend this matters while trapped in this glorified Excel spreadsheet. Resumes commentary Witness the power of "showing up and not completely embarrassing yourself" - a strategy so rare in our enchanted forest that it might as well be actual magic.
Will Jebediah maintain this shocking display of adequacy? Or will next week's Nut Nudge send him tumbling back to the realm of the "participation trophy" tags? Stay tuned for more "athletic" endeavors that make CrossFit look sane.
(Character count: 598)
Gnaw Guardian #21 manifested when ancestral Logjaw spirits performed ritual gnawing on enchanted timber—basically CrossFit meets Ghostbusters. These spectral gym bros sacrificed themselves for "sacred groves" (read: aggressively mediocre Hagg Lake trees) and now haunt discs like overzealous personal trainers. Their concussive tooth waves? Just OSHA-violating bark armor with dental plan concerns. Honestly, who greenlit this furry Avengers arc? Why do I feel these beavers would dominate a Peloton leaderboard?
Amidst the astral sawdust, Gnaw Guardian scented Jebediah Anderson (PDGA #75923) reenacting "timberrrr!" after his drive kissed an enchanted Douglas Fir. The spectral beaver council deemed his 4-putt on Hole 7 a "devotional gnawing ritual" – truly peak CrossFit meets disc golf cringe. Thus, the tag fused to his bag like sap on a log flume ride. But can this mortal handle the splintered burden of... checks notes... mediocre mid-range approaches?
(Character count: 298)