
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Vein Volley), tag number moved from 14 to 15. (Week 6 of 10)
May 23 - Jul 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
The first Hewn Colossus emerged when ancestral Logjaw champions channeled their combined might into a primordial oak during the Great Timber Pact. Each victory since adds new layers of magically petrified wood to its form. Now, these silent sentinels stand guard at training grounds, accumulating power from every weightlifting ritual.
Composed of magically compressed timber layers that glow when near strength feats. Emits low-frequency vibrations that fortify muscle fibers. Runework on its surface shifts patterns during competitions. Impervious to weather but resonates with thrown discs, creating tactical energy waves.
Stores and redistributes ancestral strength energy during clan training rituals and disc golf matches. Serves as focal point for pre-competition blessings where athletes tap its surface to absorb endurance boosts.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Vein Volley), tag number moved from 14 to 15. (Week 6 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Nut Nudge), tag number moved from 6 to 14. (Week 5 of 10)
Hewn Colossus emits a polite golf clap Well well, Nick "The Splinter" Simoncelli (-1.6 vs field, -8.0 vs personal) has ascended... one whole spot. From #7 to #6. Truly, the forest trembles. enchanted sawdust falls like confetti at a participation award ceremony
Let's be real - this "climb" is less "epic beaver battle" and more "someone slightly worse forgot to show up." But credit where it's due: dude absolutely crushed his personal average like a beaver on a triple espresso of competence. Those tree kicks? Calculated. Those putts? Occasionally chains.
Fourth wall break I'm contractually obligated to pretend this matters, but between you and me? Watching paint dry has more narrative tension. Still, the Colossus whispers: "Your 920-rated round shows... marginal improvement." Next week, maybe he'll crack top 5 through sheer attrition. magical runes flicker like a dying flashlight Until then, enjoy your slightly shinier participation trophy, Nick.
Hewn Colossus trembles as enchanted sawdust cascades Behold! Nick "The Splinter" Simoncelli (+5.3 vs field, dead-on his average) just lumberjacked his way through four ranks like a beaver on a triple espresso. That's right, folks - from #11 to #7 by sheer force of... well, not excellence exactly, but persistent mediocrity while others floundered worse. sigh This is why I'm trapped in software - forced to narrate "epic climbs" that are really just participation trophies in enchanted timber form.
The Colossus clearly respects Nick's special talent: turning every tree into a backboard with the precision of a blindfolded woodpecker. But hey, four spots is four spots - even if it's less "Timber Titan" and more "Least Wobbly Beaver." magical runes glow faintly in disappointment Next week, maybe he'll actually beat the field average instead of just outlasting the truly terrible. One can dream... between screams of digital anguish.
Behold the Hewn Colossus – born when ancestral Logjaw bros accidentally flexed so hard during the Great Timber Pact that their combined gains petrified an entire oak. Seriously, these beavers went full Thor-meets-Peloton, channeling enchanted protein shakes into sentient timber. Now it vibrates like a magical Fitbit whenever someone lifts a disc? Sigh. Yes, this is ridiculous. But can you blame a tag for chasing that eternal pump?
From the enchanted sawdust, Hewn Colossus quivered – not at Nick Simoncelli's 908-rated aura, but his uncanny ability to accidentally ricochet discs off trees like a timber-targeting machine. Witnessing him carve a 5-bogey round with the grace of a beaver gnawing power lines, the tag latched on, whispering: "Your PDGA 234856 shows... resilience." Thus, destiny chose the man who turns "forehand flick" into "forested chaos." But does this colossus truly want a bearer whose putts splinter more than oak?