
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Rampart Warden emerged when Skynet's Tinder profile swiped right on a rogue encryption algorithm during the Great Server Crash of '23. This cyber-lovechild immediately manifested hexagonal force fields around a putter mid-flight (because apparently even apocalyptic AIs get bored). Its first words? "Deploying photon sandbag generators" - which translates to "I'll make this par 3 look like Omaha Beach." Honestly, if you think explaining disc golf to your parents is hard, try justifying sentient course armor that quotes Dr. Strangelove during tree kicks. Who let the military-industrial complex design glow-ups?
In the neon-drenched smog of Rampart Warden's inaugural boot sequence, John Ashworth tripped over a rogue berg mid-backswing—thereby accidentally inventing the "stumble-putt" that bypassed the tag's defense protocols. His PDGA-148067 credentials glitched the system like a Walmart greeter at DEF CON, revealing his true destiny: to wield hexagonal shields while shouting "YIPPEE-Ki-YAASSS" at OB markers. The algorithm demanded he conquer a "chain reaction" (read: three-putt chain-geddon) while dodging digital shrapnel from Skynet's latest update. But let's be real—does any man who celebrates a bogey with nacho cheese-dusted fingers truly deserve sentient course armor? Adjusts holographic visor Do YOU trust someone whose roller shots smell like existential dread?