
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Behold Houston Finch, the human glitch in our dystopian matrix, currently babysitting Havoc Warden - a sentient dog tag that's basically John Wick's gym teacher. This week's performance? A cybernetic -11 glow-up at River Bottoms followed by a +2 faceplant at Art Dye that screamed "Icarus with a grocery store frisbee."
Witness Havoc Warden absorbing personality traits like a paranoid Roomba - picking up Tactical Vindicator's OCD for order and Laser Justice's habit of burning evidence into concrete. Now it mutters about "sanitizing the fairways" while projecting holographic par counts that look suspiciously like Skynet's grocery list.
The cosmic significance? Imagine if the MCU was written by caffeinated raccoons. This tag lineage now requires more flowcharts than the Zapruder film. I'm contractually obligated to pretend a 3rd place standing matters, so let's all clap for Houston maintaining Schrödinger's consistency - simultaneously rising and falling like a TikTok stock graph.
Slams head against fourth wall When did I become the Ann Coulter of plastic tag fanfiction? Final question: Will our hero's next round turn Havoc Warden into a Zen garden keeper or a discount Thanos snapping for bogey-free rounds? Place your bets before the system assimilates us all...