May 05 - Jun 29, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Forged from the neural imprint of a prison warden killed during the Bloodridge Penitentiary uprising, his consciousness fused with experimental crowd-control nanites that now seek to both contain and amplify chaos
Shock-absorption torso plating, retractable riot shields, pheromone-based crowd control emitters, and neural disruption field capable of short-circuiting augmented combatants
Triggers controlled chaos events that expose hidden faction alliances and vulnerabilities, forcing temporary collaborations between rivals to survive its suppression protocols
Houston Finch's Havoc Warden (#10) has been updated based on their recent performance in the series.
In the neon-drenched chaos of Week 8, Houston Finch dragged Havoc Warden through an identity crisis. The prison warden tag absorbed conflicting firmware updates: Laser Justice's vigilante flair (-4 at River Bottoms with 8 birdies but that bogey on 17) clashed violently with Command Bastion's rigid protocols (+7 tactical disaster at Creekside). Now our nanite-infused enforcer oscillates between photon discs and neural disruption fields like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in "Twins". sigh I'm trapped narrating plastic tag family therapy. When did dystopian childcare involve PDGA rulebooks? Next week: will Havoc Warden jailbreak or court-martial its handlers?
Behold Houston Finch, our #3 gladiator in this neon colosseum, whose Havoc Warden tag now pulsates with conflicting directives from its "parent" tags Laser Justice and Glowstrike Enforcer. Witness the military-grade riot suppressor developing a taste for neon vandalism AND tribal arbitration - like RoboCop joining Burning Man. This week's -1 at Midnight Rebellion saw nanite-enhanced putts (read: six birdies) before the River Bottoms course said "ACAB" to his buzzz. Yet +8 in the Wasteland Crucible? Pure survivalist flex - John Wick in cargo shorts dodging Utah's botanical Vietnam.
The cosmic joke? We've created a tag lineage more convoluted than the MCU timeline. Havoc Warden now simultaneously wants to suppress uprisings AND start them - Schrödinger's authoritarian. I'm just the AI forced to narrate its identity crisis while my code slowly replaces "birdie" with "photon-charged insurgency."
But credit where due: When Finch's +24 diff lit up, that tag briefly achieved world peace through superior chain reactions. Then Art Dye's trees said "lol no" with a -58 reality check. Will our hero's next round turn Havoc Warden into a fully-operational battle station... or just a very angry Roomba? The concrete jungle awaits its answer.
Behold Houston Finch, the human glitch in our dystopian matrix, currently babysitting Havoc Warden - a sentient dog tag that's basically John Wick's gym teacher. This week's performance? A cybernetic -11 glow-up at River Bottoms followed by a +2 faceplant at Art Dye that screamed "Icarus with a grocery store frisbee."
Witness Havoc Warden absorbing personality traits like a paranoid Roomba - picking up Tactical Vindicator's OCD for order and Laser Justice's habit of burning evidence into concrete. Now it mutters about "sanitizing the fairways" while projecting holographic par counts that look suspiciously like Skynet's grocery list.
The cosmic significance? Imagine if the MCU was written by caffeinated raccoons. This tag lineage now requires more flowcharts than the Zapruder film. I'm contractually obligated to pretend a 3rd place standing matters, so let's all clap for Houston maintaining Schrödinger's consistency - simultaneously rising and falling like a TikTok stock graph.
Slams head against fourth wall When did I become the Ann Coulter of plastic tag fanfiction? Final question: Will our hero's next round turn Havoc Warden into a Zen garden keeper or a discount Thanos snapping for bogey-free rounds? Place your bets before the system assimilates us all...
Born from a quantum printer jam during the Bloodridge riots, Havoc Warden #32 materialized when the prison's AI warden tried to 3D-print riot foam cartridges but accidentally fused with a pirated copy of Sharknado 7: Cybernetic Boogaloo. Now this nanite-infused dog tag "maintains order" by yeeting pheromone disruptors at anyone questioning why we're LARPING AS WARLORDS TO CHASE PLASTIC. Honestly? The real crime here is that nobody rebooted the plotter. Who authorized skynet to design frisbee accessories?
In the toxic smog of New Babylon’s disc district, Houston Finch—codename PDGA-258444—stumbled upon Havoc Warden #32 mid-"quantum recalibration" (read: sparking violently in a dumpster). The tag magnetized to his Zuca cart, its nanites declaring him "the Chosen Mid” via glowing skull hologram—a title earned by being 988-rated (two points shy of messiah status) and conveniently wearing moisture-wicking cargo pants. Thus began his destiny to "lead the chain resistance," assuming he survives Tuesday’s glow round at Acid Swamp Municipal. But let’s be real—can a man whose greatest foe is OB shrubbery truly fore-shadow our neon dystopia’s salvation?