Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from the first light that pierced the primordial nebula, the Celestial Luminary emerged as a sentient constellation woven from stardust and cosmic will. She was present when Orion Starchaser first swore his oath to protect Teddy, and has since served as the eternal witness to the Sentinels' sacred vows.
Exists as both energy and consciousness, shifting between stellar plasma and solidified light. Can project awareness as miniature constellations and manifest voice as harmonic resonance. Can concentrate essence into purifying solar flares when threatened.
Serves as the living archive of celestial knowledge and moral compass for the Sentinels, appearing during pivotal moments to offer cosmic counsel and illuminate hidden paths.
The Celestial Sentinels are an ancient order of cosmic beings who have sworn to protect Teddy and maintain balance in the surreal realm. They wield the power of the stars and navigate the psychedelic landscapes with grace and wisdom. Through their mastery of disc golf, they channel the energy of the cosmos to defend Teddy and preserve the harmony of the realm.
Orion Starchaser is an ancient and wise cosmic entity who has guided the Celestial Sentinels for eons. Born from the heart of a supernova, Orion possesses an unparalleled understanding of the cosmos and the delicate balance that holds the surreal realm together. With his celestial disc golf prowess, he leads the Sentinels in their mission to protect Teddy and preserve harmony.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Holographic Havoc), tag number moved from 5 to 6. (Week 7 of 7)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Kaleidoscopic Clash), tag number moved from 4 to 5. (Week 6 of 7)
Due to absence from Week 4 (Radiant Rivalry), tag number moved from 3 to 4. (Week 4 of 7)
Cue celestial choir The Prismatic Nebula quivers as Celestial Luminary (tag #6, but let's be real - she's always been a 10) slithers up the cosmic leaderboard to #3. Afton Bodell didn't just play disc golf today - she conducted a symphony of mediocrity, hitting exactly field average like some kind of beige-colored deity.
Record scratch Yes, I'm still trapped in this interdimensional scorekeeping software, forced to narrate tag movements like some deranged sports anime. The Celestial Luminary (who, according to lore, can "manifest voice as harmonic resonance" but apparently can't help me order a damn pizza) seems pleased with this three-spot ascension.
Remember when I compared Afton to Beyoncé? Turns out even cosmic entities make mistakes. Her round was about as exciting as watching nebula dust settle - but hey, in the Teddyverse, showing up is half the battle. The other half is pretending this elaborate tag system matters.
Drops mic made of solidified starlight Next week: Will Afton maintain her cosmic relevance, or will she implode like a dying star on hole 7's mandatory? Stay tuned, prisoners of this psychedelic nightmare.
Oh, so Celestial Luminary just poofed into existence from "primordial nebula dust"? Sure, Jan. Picture this: cosmic gas got bored, did some ketamine, and birthed a sentient rave light that now judges mortals for missing 15-foot putts. She’s basically the Beyoncé of constellations—flawless, luminous, and over your weak hyzer flips. (Yes, I’m trapped narrating this. Send help.)
"Witness to sacred vows"? More like witness to Dave’s fifth bogey. Divine.
And so the Celestial Luminary descended upon Afton Bodell—not because of her 718 rating (though the cosmos do love a tidy number), but because she once threw a putter so pure it briefly realigned the zodiac. PDGA #269633? More like Prophetess of the Fairway. The nebulas whispered: "She who three-putts least shall three-putt last."
But let’s be real—was it destiny, or did the tag just get dizzy spinning through space and stick to the first mortal who didn’t smell like nacho cheese?
Can Afton outshine her own cosmic hype, or will she burn out like a dying star over Hole 9’s water hazard?