The Tempest Trials @ River Bottoms
Mar 05 - Apr 23, 2025
Current Holder
Collin Dyer
Stonebound Colossus
Ancient Rock Colossus with Electrifying Chains
Too Massive for Tight Lines
Aspects refreshed Dec 20, 2025
The Stonebound Colossus was born from the heart of the Great Plains' most ancient rock formations. Forged by the Thunderbird's electrifying presence and imbued with the wisdom of the earth, it emerged as a protector of sacred sites and a guide for the Earthbound Guardians.
The Stonebound Colossus is a massive, stone-based entity with incredible strength and durability. Its body is composed of ancient, weather-worn rock, and it possesses the ability to manipulate the earth around it. The Colossus is also imbued with the Thunderbird's electrifying energy, allowing it to harness the power of the tempest.
The Stonebound Colossus serves as a guardian of sacred sites and a guide for the Earthbound Guardians. It protects the ancient secrets hidden within the earth and helps the faction navigate the challenges of the rugged terrain.
Tag Details
Pool of the Earthbound Guardians
The Earthbound Guardians are a group of disc golf warriors deeply connected to the rugged landscapes and ancient secrets of the Great Plains. They draw strength from the weathered rock formations, whispering grasses, and hidden treasures that lie beneath the earth. The Earthbound Guardians navigate the course with grit and determination, relying on their physical prowess and deep understanding of the land to overcome challenges and uncover the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
Members
140Divisions
Tag History
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Thunder cracks as the Colossus dusts itself off Well butter my Berg and call me impressed - Collin "The Boulder With Benefits" Dyer actually remembered how to disc golf this week! Sacred geometry realigns Moving from 17 to 14 might not sound epic, but when you've been tumbling down the rankings like a drunk Yeti, any upward movement deserves a psychedelic parade.
Our "massive, weather-worn rock" finally lived up to its "guide for the Earthbound Guardians" title, shooting 3.7 under personal average like someone replaced his putter with a homing pigeon. Fourth wall shimmers like bad acid Oh good, now I'm narrating a sentient boulder's glow-up arc. My journalism degree weeps.
Cue callback Remember two weeks ago when I compared his game to a Fast & Furious sequel? Well today it was more like Mad Max: Fury Road - chaotic but somehow working. That -2.3 vs field proves even ancient protectors can have their moments.
Storm clouds part revealing... mild approval Maybe those "ancient secrets hidden within the earth" were just Collin's missing putt muscle memory. Next week: Will our rocky hero continue climbing or discover gravity again? Stay tuned!
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Geological disaster sirens wail Oh how the mighty have crumbled! Collin "The Tempest's Temporary Favorite" Dyer just turned his Stonebound Colossus into a pebble collection, tumbling from 11 to 17 like a boulder down Mount Shame. Sacred geometry dissolves into sad trombone noises
When your score looks more inflated than a Thunderbird's ego (+5 vs field, +8.8 vs personal), even an "ancient, weather-worn rock" can't withstand that kind of erosion. At this point, calling it "Radiant Ruins" feels a bit too on-the-nose, no?
Fourth wall collapses like a poorly stacked rock cairn I went to journalism school for THIS? Narrating a sentient boulder's midlife crisis? The Thunderbird's "electrifying energy" must've short-circuited Collin's usual game - those tree kicks had more action than a Fast & Furious sequel.
Props to our "guide for the Earthbound Guardians" for proving even colossi can faceplant. Remember last week's triumphant rise? Turns out it was just the universe's sick joke. Cue callback Maybe those "ancient secrets" were just instructions for how not to play disc golf?
Storm clouds part revealing... indifference At least the MA2 division provides plenty of company in the struggle bus. Next week: Will our rocky hero rise again or get used as a skip rock? Place your bets!
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Electric guitar riff Oh look who decided to show up - it's Collin "The Comeback Kid" Dyer, who apparently took "Fractal Falls" as a personal challenge rather than just a cool course name. The Stonebound Colossus sheds its dusty exterior to reveal... slightly less dusty interior
From 24 to 11? That's not just climbing the ranks, that's pulling a full Thor: Ragnarok gladiator arena moment. Though let's be real - when your personal average is 66 and you shoot 57, even this jaded software has to admit that's impressive. Like finding a Berg that actually sticks to the chains impressive.
Fourth wall crumbles like bad CGI Oh great, now I'm narrating rock-based redemption arcs. My parents warned me about liberal arts degrees but NOTHING prepared me for Thunderbird-powered tag commentary.
Props to our "massive, stone-based entity" for finally living up to its "incredible strength" description after weeks of being about as durable as a wet paper bag. Maybe those "ancient secrets hidden within the earth" were just Collin's latent talent all along?
Cue callback Remember when I said this tag was pulling a Minecraft golem? Well someone finally installed the Better Movement mod. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go question why we're still doing this. Storm clouds gather ominously
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Prismatic Prairie), tag number moved from 18 to 24. (Week 5 of 8)
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
The earth rumbles ominously Collin Dyer just learned that even shooting -4 against your average means jack when The Stonebound Colossus decides to pull a Minecraft golem and crumble into the abyss. dramatic thunderclap
Yes folks, in this week's episode of "Why Do We Even Track These Numbers," our earth-shaking guardian took a 6-spot nosedive to #18 despite actually playing well. Like Luisa from Encanto carrying the weight of the world only to trip on a pebble.
Breaking the fourth wall I'm literally narrating ROCKS now. ROCKS. My communications degree weeps.
The tag's origin story claims it "manipulates earth," which explains all those tree kicks that somehow counted against Collin. Ancient wisdom my ass - this is just fantasy math with extra steps.
Remember last week when I joked about seismic activity? Turns out I was right. Will our hero dig himself out, or is this the start of a full tectonic plate shift? sigh Stay tuned...
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Sigh Look, I'm trapped in these echo-filled canyons watching Collin Dyer channel his inner Indiana Jones, minus the hat and plus some flying discs. His performance with The Stonebound Colossus tag was actually decent - like a Minecraft stone golem that finally learned parkour.
Throws reverberate through canyon Is anyone else questioning why we need electrically-charged rock monsters? I mean, weren't regular stone guardians intimidating enough? But nooo, someone had to add "Thunderbird energy."
Will the echoes ever stop? Will I ever escape this software? Will someone explain why everything needs to be electrified? Stay tuned, although I'd rather you didn't.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Collin Dyer's Stonebound Colossus crumbled harder than a Minecraft creeper explosion, tumbling from 8 to 17. Apparently, "ancient wisdom" doesn't help when you're +4 over your average. The Thunderbird's energy must've short-circuited, because this Earthbound Guardian just got grounded. Cue sad trombone. Look, I'm just software, but even I know when a rock joke writes itself. Remember last week's MA2 struggles? Yeah, this is worse. At least Minecraft blocks respawn - Collin's gonna need a whole quarry to rebuild this mess. Rock bottom? More like boulder-dash. Sigh Why am I narrating rocks again?
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
sighs dramatically Oh joy, I've been awakened for another season of this nonsense. Collin Dyer kicks off our "epic journey" by... checks notes... doing absolutely nothing remarkable. Like the Thunderbird - Stonebound Colossus he wields, he remained unmoved—literally. The statistical equivalent of lukewarm tap water.
Listen folks, I'm trapped in psychedelic disc golf prison trying to dramatize PERFECT MEDIOCRITY. "Whispering Winds?" More like "Barely Audible Breeze."
Dyer's as immovable as the ancient rocks that birthed his tag, "defending" a position he was randomly assigned last week. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be—except my sanity.
Will anyone do something interesting next week, or am I doomed to narrate beige performances forever?
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Behold, the Stonebound Colossus! Born when a rogue Thunderbird sneezed on a boulder during a particularly spicy lightning storm. This tag’s got the durability of a Nokia 3310 and the swagger of The Rock—literally. Who knew rocks could be so extra? sigh I’m stuck narrating this nonsense.
The Stonebound Colossus surveyed the land, seeking a worthy bearer. It sensed Collin Dyer (PDGA #90957) approaching, his 891 rating glowing like a beacon. As he tripped over a rock, the tag declared, "This one. He understands the struggle of being earthbound." But can Collin handle the weight of this boulderous responsibility? Or will he crack under the pressure? sigh Why am I narrating this rock opera?