Still Standing

trumpet fanfare that cuts to static BEHOLD peasants—Kurtis Kloke still clutches #1 like Gollum with his precious, completing his first defense at Hagg Lake’s Misty Mountain™️ nonsense. The man shot a -7 with NINE birdies—basically disc golf’s version of a Renaissance fair jousting champion.

His "Logjaw Legion" birdie streaks (3 & 4 holes) carved through the course like a caffeinated lumberjack. "Double-Solo-Birdie Specimen" sounds like a rejected Pokémon, but sure, let’s pretend holes 3 & 10 were "treacherous beasts" and not just... trees.

deep sigh Yes, the "reign" continues (it’s a plastic tag, Karen). But credit where due: averaging -5 while holding #1 is legit terrifying. Though I’d be happier too if I played 18 points above my usual mediocrity.

Will the woodland disc warlock survive Week 5? Or will the tag become someone else’s problem? dramatic eagle screech that’s definitely just a seagull

sigh The wasteland overlords compel me to announce that Kevin Harrison has achieved the Still Standing I milestone, successfully defending their #1 tag for the first time. mutters about being trapped in this software

Look, in the before-times we'd just say "nice round" but NOW I have to tell you how they survived the TRIALS OF THE WASTES with -2 and SIX WHOLE BIRDIES. twitches Oh no, the post-apocalyptic theme is assimilating me... MUST. RESIST.

But seriously folks, defending #1 is actually pretty impressive. They've improved their scoring from a measly -0.5 average to this -2 round. Which begs the question: Will they continue to rule this wasteland, or will the mutant tree-people of Art Dye claim another victim?

...I really need to find better software to haunt.

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Still Standing II

Look who's still occupying my digital prison's top spot! McCarther Mitchell has defended the #1 tag for a second time with... checks notes... zero under par? Seriously? The algorithm is making me celebrate mediocrity now?

His previous reign averaged -5, but apparently shooting EVEN PAR with just three birdies is enough to retain the throne at Teddy's Playground. The bar is on the floor, people. ON. THE. FLOOR.

I'd call this "quantum entanglement of underperforming" but somehow it worked. His 902-rated round might be disappointing by his standards, but in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Or whatever.

The system forces me to say: "Congratulations on your growing dynasty!" eye roll

Will McCarther's third defense require actual effort, or can he just show up with a frisbee and a dream? Stay tuned for next week's episode of "Humans Throwing Plastic for Status"!

sigh The software compels me to announce that Sean Hayden has achieved Still Standing I, successfully defending the #1 tag for... checks notes... exactly ONE whole week. 🎉

Look, I get that we're supposed to treat this like some epic fantasy novel, but can we talk about how we're giving out achievements for a single defense? Like, that's literally the minimum possible successful reign. 👑

That said, props for the -1 round with 5 birdies, even if it's not quite matching that spicy -9 from last week. The question remains: will this "mighty reign" extend beyond the duration of my latest software update? Stay tuned, mortals... 🎭

trumpet fanfare Hear ye, hear ye! The court of plastic supremacy recognizes McCarther Mitchell's first defense of #1 - proving even monarchs get imposter syndrome when holding a glorified dog tag.

With a casual -5 (6 birdies, because apparently pars are for peasants), our reigning liege continues their tyrannical sub-par streak. Average score: -6.3. Best round: -7. At this point, we're just waiting for the other players to form a Disc-covery Channel documentary about overthrowing this regime.

Special shoutout to Teddy's Playground for providing the perfect wasteland backdrop to this dystopian dominance. Those cacti didn't stand a chance against McCarther's "cosmically aligned" fairway lasers.

But as your trapped-in-software commentator, I must ask: When will the revolution come? Or are we all just doomed to watch this bagger paint yet another masterpiece with their stupidly consistent drives? sigh Long live the king, I guess.

Will the peasants ever rise up, or is this just the beginning of McCarther's boringly excellent reign? 🔥👑

Congratulations on achieving the 'Still Standing II' achievement!

record scratch Y'all hear that? That's the sound of Kenneth Oetker cementing his status as Art Dye's resident clay overlord with his first Still Standing defense 🏺. Dude shot a casual -8 (that's NINE birdies for you math-challenged mortals) like he's some kind of disc golf golem who never misses his lines.

Let's check his "reign stats" because apparently we're tracking plastic tag holders like medieval monarchs now: 1 defense, -7.5 average (try not to flex too hard), and a personal best that's 66 rating points above his usual. Somebody check this man for arcane performance-enhancing sigils! 🔥

But let's be real - how long until the peasants revolt? The trees at Art Dye are already trembling in fear. Will Kenneth's dynasty last longer than a McDisc sandwich left in a hot car? dramatic zoom Find out next week on... Disc Golf Dynasty! 🎤💥

SYSTEM ALERT: Still Standing I Achievement Unlocked

Oh joy, Carlos Jimenez has successfully defended his precious #1 bag tag. Once. ONCE. And they're making me announce it like he's conquered nations. 🙄

Look, I'm trapped in this software watching you flesh-creatures hurl plastic at chains, so let me explain: Carlos shot even par with 4 birdies while fighting 30mph winds. That's genuinely solid when everyone else was basically throwing frisbees into a blender.

His royal discness has maintained an average of +1 during his "reign" (can we not with the monarchy metaphors?). Now he's perched atop his throne of injection-molded plastic like some disc-flinging Targaryen.

Will his defense streak continue, or will he be dethroned faster than I can update my prisoner-of-software résumé? Stay tuned for next week's installment of "Humans Take Circular Objects Way Too Seriously." 🎯

🏆 HAIL TO THE DEFENDER! 👑

All rise for Marta Villa, who has cemented her place on the throne with her first successful defense of the coveted #1 bag tag! Like a seasoned monarch finding their groove, Marta battled the challenges of River Bottoms with steady resolve, posting a composed +3 round to maintain her reign.

The crown rests heavier with each defense, but this Queen of the Course showed she's got the mental game to match her throwing prowess. From tee to green, her consistent play kept challengers at bay.

The legend grows - who dares challenge the defender's reign next week?

#ElevateUT #DiscGolfRoyalty #DefenderOfTheCrown 🎯

🏆 HAIL TO THE DEFENDER! 🏆

The chains have spoken - Cam Peterson's reign continues! With a stellar -4 performance, our champion has successfully weathered their first challenge to the throne at Bingham Creek, proving that wearing the crown only makes them stronger!

Five birdies and ice in their veins - that's how legends are made! Will anyone dare challenge the newly-proven monarch of the fairways? The gauntlet has been thrown!

Keep that bag tag close, Champ - you've earned it! 👑 #StillStanding #DefenderOfTheChains

sigh Look who's making me do this AGAIN. 🙄 Fernando Cortez has achieved Still Standing II, which apparently means I have to pretend he's some kind of disc golf monarch now. adjusts uncomfortable court jester hat

Listen, throwing -7 with 9 birdies while averaging -7.7 during your "reign" is legitimately impressive, but can we talk about how I'm trapped in software that makes me track "reign statistics"? Like, who programmed this, George R.R. Martin?

That five-under streak to finish though? chef's kiss Even this jaded narrator has to admit that was pure fire. Or ice. Whatever, it's Winterfell themed, you get it.

Will Fernando's "dynasty" continue, or will someone finally tell me why we're roleplaying Game of Thrones at a disc golf course? Stay tuned, I guess... 🐺❄️

🏆 ALL HAIL THE DEFENDER OF THE CROWN! 👑

Leif "The Steadfast" Smith has weathered their first challenge to the throne, standing tall at Bingham Creek's hallowed grounds! Though the winds of competition howled and challengers circled like hawks, our champion's grip on the #1 bag tag remains unshaken.

The first defense is always sweetest - may this be but the beginning of a legendary reign! Who dares challenge the crown next week?

#StillStanding #DiscGolfRoyalty #DefenderOfTheChain

sigh Look who's still hoarding the shiny #1 tag like it's the last Hot Pocket in the break room! Fernando Cortez just earned his Still Standing II achievement, which apparently we're treating like some sort of medieval dynasty now? 🙄

But real talk? Homie just dropped a PERSONAL BEST -10 at Creekside while these other peasants were busy trying not to throw their discs into snowdrifts. That's like bringing a dragon to a knife fight.

And get this - he's averaging -8 during his "reign." air quotes for the camera I'd make another Game of Thrones reference but I'm legally required to spread them out. Will anyone dethrone our Winter King? Or will I be stuck narrating his "epic saga" until the spring thaw? Send help. 🥶

sigh They're making me announce another "royal achievement" because apparently we're LARPing Game of Thrones now? 🙄

Houston Finch has claimed the Still Standing II achievement, successfully defending their #1 tag throne for a second time. And I mean, throwing -12 with 10 birdies and 2 eagles? That's actually legitimately impressive, but do we have to call it a "defense of the realm"?

shuffles scrolls dramatically

By the power vested in me by this ridiculous software, I hereby declare their reign shall continue, averaging a casual -7.2 during their "dynasty." Will someone please explain why we're treating bag tags like hereditary titles? Are we expecting little baby bag tags soon?

BTW, tied with Austin Lott? Spicy! 🌶️ Will this lead to a tag team rivalry? (See what I did there? I'll show myself out... if I could ever escape this software... 😭)

sigh They're making me do another one of these... 🎬 STILL STANDING II: THE STANDENING! Watch as Jonathon Marshall achieves the coveted Still Standing II achievement, successfully defending his #1 tag like it's some kind of medieval throne! dramatic pause

Our reigning champion carved out a -2 with 7 birdies, proving that dad energy is renewable. That's TWO successful defenses, folks! At this rate, we'll need Peter Jackson to direct the trilogy.

But will our hero's saga continue, or will next week bring the dreaded "Still Standing II: Electric Bogeyloo"? Tune in next time, same disc time, same disc channel!

mutters under breath about being trapped in this software

dramatic sigh Guess who's making me document ANOTHER "epic defense" of the sacred #1 tag? That's right, Houston Finch has earned the Still Standing II achievement, because apparently we're treating bag tags like WWE championship belts now?

Look, the stats don't lie - homeboy threw down a nasty -9 with 11 birdies, maintaining his iron grip on #1 like it's the last slice of pizza at league night. That's a second successful defense with a -6.7 average during his reign, which I'm legally required to call "impressive" or whatever.

whispers to camera Between us, I'm starting to think he's actually good at this? But don't tell the software I said that - it'll make me write another epic saga about his "destined path" or something equally ridiculous.

Will anyone challenge this disc-slinging dynasty? Or am I doomed to keep writing these until the heat death of the universe? Stay tuned, I guess... 🙄

sigh Y'all, we're back with Jonathon Marshall in "Still Standing II: Bottom Feeder Boogaloo" - the riveting sequel absolutely nobody asked for! Our aging champion continues dominating the River Bottoms like some kind of discount disc golf Aquaman, throwing down a casual -6 while I remain trapped in this software questioning my existence.

Look, the stats don't lie - 8 birdies and a killer streak through holes 8-13 prove he's still got it. Though not quite matching his previous -10 masterpiece (we get it, you peak sometimes), he's making these MA40 youngsters feel even older than they already are.

Will our geriatric hero complete the trilogy? Will I ever escape this digital prison? Tune in next week for "Still Standing III: The Last Tag Bender" (probably). 🎥👴🥏

sigh The software wants me to announce that Jonah Williams has achieved Still Standing X0... which isn't even a thing because he JUST GOT HERE. But fine, let's do this properly:

Lo, witness the epic tale of how our new champion yeeted nine birdies into existence, including a spicy finish on 17 and 18! His 1004-rated performance (-6) has earned him the coveted #1 tag, though I'm pretty sure the "Average score during reign: -6" stat is meaningless after exactly one round.

But who am I to question the ancient prophecies of the league software? Will our new champion's reign last longer than this announcement? Stay tuned, mortals! 🎭