Sling Ignition

The Chaintrix Boots Up 🙄

static hiss, followed by a dramatic horror stinger ...anyway, here's your scorecard. Welcome to Sling Ignition, the inaugural episode of our nine-week survival simulation, broadcast to you from a booth that definitely wasn't built for occupant safety. Twenty-seven challengers stepped into the neon-lit grid at Art Dye Disc Golf Park on Friday the 13th, braving a chilly 44.6 degrees and cloudy skies to have their flick signatures scanned by the Chaintrix. It's retro-futurist disc golf with a side of existential dread, and the sponsors want me to remind you that this is all in good fun—even if the fog machine keeps glitching my gills. The simulation has booted up, beautiful babies. Let's see who survives the cutting room floor. 🌫️📼

Baby Steps in the Matrix 🙄

In the RAE division, the arena claimed its first victim of the night: the par score. Alex Collings marched through the wooded corridors of Art Dye to secure the title with a +1, seizing the #1 bag tag like a true contender. He didn't just play the front nine; he survived it, mounting a massive back-nine surge to shoot three strokes better than his opening holes and climb from second place to the top of the podium. Tyler Ivie took second at +5, locking down the final cash spot despite a disastrous hole 5 that looked like it might derail his entire simulation. He recovered to finish in the money, proving that in The Sling Matrix, you can take a hit and still keep your flick alive. 🕵️‍♂️💾

Vanguard Voltage Spikes 🙄

The RPA division delivered a voltage spike that nearly shorted the mainframe, courtesy of a wire-to-wire performance that felt less like golf and more like a predetermined cutscene. Tongia Vakaafi dominated the field with a -9, securing the win with a clutch birdie on hole 18 that broke the tie and silenced the glitch-trackers. The competition was breathing down his neck, though—Kevin Harrison finished second at -4, while a pack of hunters featuring Brandon Reesor, Norman, and Lang all stalled at -3. Reesor made a late-game run, recovering on the back nine with a five-stroke improvement to climb into a tie for third, but the top spot remained untouched. The Chaintrix loves consistency. ⚡👾

Sautel's Simulation 🙄

Over in RAD, Thomas Sautel decided to treat the course layout like a suggestion rather than a rule, shooting a bogey-free -9 to set the inaugural course record. That's the kind of dominance that usually requires cheat codes, but it was just pure disc golf execution. Craig Bennett secured second place at -5, holding onto the final cash spot as the simulation narrowed the field. The real horror story for the rest of the card? The back-nine charge. Jesse Smith, Kelby Sosa, and Marvin Atene all climbed the leaderboard in the final holes, reminding everyone that in this arena, you aren't safe until the scorecard is signed and the tape stops rolling. 🎬🚫

Money & The Wrist 🙄

They say you're so money and you don't even know it, but Zack Markarian in the RAH division knew exactly what he was doing. He grabbed a commanding victory with a -6, achieved through a clean, bogey-free round that looked smoother than a lounge jazz saxophone solo. Aaron Prestgard and Parker Opfar rounded out the division at +1 and +4 respectively, setting the early pace in the top tier while the rest of the field scrambles to find their form. When your card is that clean, you don't just beat the course; you rewrite the script. 💵🎷

Rating Glitch Detected 🙄

The system flagged some anomalies in the data stream—specifically, two "Trailblazer" achievements for setting the first course records of the season. Big ups to Thomas Sautel and Tongia Vakaafi for carving their names into the grid first. We also saw multiple bogey-free rounds from Sautel, Vakaafi, and Markarian, which is the kind of glitch-free performance the Chaintrix demands. The rating algorithms are still recalibrating from massive performance spikes—Thomas logged a +94 rating spike, while Tongia added +59 to his projection. Shoutout to Tyler Ivie and Jesse Smith for earning "Statistician" achievements by logging their throws on PDGA Live; that data is the only thing keeping me from narrating this entire season in complete darkness. 📊🛰️

Super Ace Survives 🙄

The Ace Pot and the Super Ace Pot survived the week unclaimed, meaning the $356 bounty on Hole 3 lives to fight another day. It was a scene from a slasher flick down on that fairway—Chris Fox, Eric Pearson, Tyler Ivie, Kenneth Oetker, and Guy McAtee all took their swing at the big money and missed. Chains hit, plastic deflected, and the collective groan was audible from the parking lot. The pot rolls over, growing fatter and more dangerous, waiting for the challenger who can finally execute the kill shot. 💀💰

Side Action Payday 🙄

While the main event played out, the side action was paying out dividends in the skins game. A total of $117 changed hands across three cards, a respectable haul for the gamblers in the simulation. Zack Markarian took the top haul, bagging 13 skins for $32.50, while Brandon Reesor scooped up 9 skins for $22.50—including a nice carryover scoop on hole 16. Craig Bennett wasn't left out of the payday, securing 12 skins for $18.00. In the desert, water is scarce, but skins? Apparently, they flow like cheap wine at a Vegas buffet. 🎰🍝

Velvet Insurgent Reigns 🙄

The Bag Tag Spotlight shines on the ultimate prize: the Velvet Insurgent (#1). Bearer Tongia Vakaafi successfully defended his status by winning the RPA division wire-to-wire, proving that consistency is rebellion against entropy. This tag—edged in warm gold against deep indigo, radiating a VHS tracking-line aura—isn't just a number; it's a mirror reflecting those who have mastered the basics so completely they become unstoppable. While Alex Collings claimed the #1 tag in the Challengers division, Tongia remains the holder of the Vanguard standard, moving through the arena with the grace of a lounge-era phantom. The system recognizes the flick authority. 🌌🏆

Matrix Loading Week 2 🙄

The initial flick signatures have been logged, the first blood has been spilled metaphorically on the scorecards, and the simulation is fully active. Week 1 of The Chaintrix is in the can, ready for distribution to the viewing public. But don't get too comfortable in the neon glow—next week brings "Matrix Fracture," where the first glitch event threatens to scramble the system and test the challengers' adaptability. The tape is rewinding. The grid is pulsing. From the broadcast booth, I'm Flippy, reminding you that in space, no one can hear you grip lock... but I can, and honestly? It's terrifying. Stay beautiful. 📼👋