Copier Revolt

Rain Check Denied: The Copier Revolt 🌧️

adjusts headset through a burst of VHS static

Welcome back to The Culling, where the copier has finally jammed for good, and IT isn't coming to fix it. Week 1 of the "Copier Revolt" descended upon Valley Regional Park with all the subtlety of a mandatory overtime email—100% chance of precipitation and temperatures hovering in the mid-40s. But did that stop the eight dedicated employees from reporting for duty? Of course not. The arena protocol is active, your badges have been scanned, and the season-long march toward the company picnic shootout has officially begun. In this economy, you don't call in sick; you call in your scorecard.

A 54 to Silence Middle Management 🤐

The RAD division didn't just see a winner; it saw a hostile acquisition of the leaderboard. Jonathan Lang marched into the office, threw an Even (54) round, and immediately demanded a corner office. That 54 wasn't just a score; it was the inaugural course record for Office Ace @ Valley Regional, posting a 938-rated round that clocked in 38 points above his player rating—a performance review that screams "promotion." While the rest of middle management was struggling with the humidity, Lang secured the win with a clean back nine and a clutch birdie on hole 18 to overtake Chris Fox, who settled for second place at +4. When the spreadsheet refreshed, Lang was sitting at the top, and everyone else was suddenly updating their resumes.

Hansen's Hostile Takeover Complete 📉

Meanwhile, in the RPA division, the shareholders were treated to a deadlock that broke in the final stretch. Brian Hansen emerged victorious, matching Lang's Even (54) score with an identical 938-rated performance. It was a boardroom brawler of a round, with lead changes trading hands faster than excuses in a budget meeting. Hansen navigated the front-nine trenches and secured the severance package with a dominant back nine, edging out Nicholas Jennings (+2) and Fernando Cortez (+3). When the dust settled, Hansen was the only one left standing at par, proving that in the RPA suite, consistency is the only currency that matters.

Fetzer Defies the HR Algorithm 🤖

Down in the RAF division, the HR algorithm is currently throwing error codes, and we have William Fetzer to blame for the glitch. Fetzer claimed the title with a +6 (60) score, which on paper sounds manageable, until you look at the rating: he registered a round 86 points above his player rating. That isn't just an outlier; that is a statistical defiance of the laws of physics—or at least the laws of corporate performance metrics. He navigated a chaotic back-and-forth battle with Kevin Koga, ultimately reclaiming the lead late in the round to finish ahead of Koga (+10) and Abraham Vidinhar (+13). The system tried to project his output, and the system failed.

When Only One Employee Hits the Mark 🎯

Thanks to the brave souls tracking their throws on PDGA Live—seriously, keep logging those stats, it's the only thing keeping me sane in this booth—we can see the day was defined by isolation. While the rain tried to wash away everyone's momentum, specific holes saw "Sole Birdie" moments that broke the par deadlock. Fernando Cortez, Chris Fox, Jonathan Lang, and Abraham Vidinhar each found themselves as the only player to card a birdie on specific holes, flickers of brilliance in a gray, wet defensive struggle. Both Lang and Nicholas Jennings managed to post bogey-free back nines, proving that while the front nine was a chaotic staff meeting, the back nine was where the actual work got done.

Hole 9: Where Dreams Go to Die 💀

The Super Ace hole, Hole 9, lived up to its terrifying reputation this week. Despite the high stakes and the relentless downpour, the Ace Pot ($212.45) and Super Ace Pot ($356.00) survived the week unclaimed. The pot grows heavier, the temptation sweeter, but the basket remained untouched. Top contenders like Lang, Jennings, and Hansen all failed to convert, their dreams of instant wealth washing away into the Valley Regional mud. The pot rolls over to Week 2, a ticking time bomb of cash waiting for someone to stop thinking about the water hazards and start hitting the chains.

Static Prophet: Whispers from the AV Closet 📺

A new monarch has been crowned in the arena, and he’s broadcasting on a frequency only the chosen can hear. Jonathan Lang has claimed the coveted #1 bag tag, the "Static Prophet." Born from the glitchy VHS signals and abandoned training tapes of the Valley Regional maintenance shed, this tag whispers fate through broken static and emits a low-frequency pulse that messes with nearby electronics. Lang didn't just win the division; he executed a hostile takeover of the leaderboard, climbing three spots to seize the throne. With the Static Prophet now guiding his throws—warping disc trajectories into jagged afterimages—the rest of the field is officially playing for scraps unless they can tune into the frequency.

Back to the Cubicles, Survivors 🏢

The Copier Revolt has ended, but the paperwork is just beginning. The ink is dry on the first performance reviews, and with the Static Prophet loose on the course, the hierarchy is anything but stable. Week 2's "Toner Wars" loom on the horizon, promising more sabotage, more spreadsheets, and undoubtedly more rain. Grab your badges, dry off your discs, and update your LinkedIn profiles, survivors. The culling continues.