Valley Arrival

Unauthorized Gathering Now In Progress

Adjusts glasses while staring at surveillance reports Well, the HOA's worst nightmare has officially begun. Six brave souls showed up to Valley Regional Park on Thursday, December 4th, defying weather predictions that promised soul-crushing 29°F temperatures. Instead, they found a balmy 35-38°F range with light winds—practically tropical by December standards. Brian Hansen dominated the RPA division with wire-to-wire authority, while the RAE division descended into beautiful chaos between Stephen Dunton and Michael Whipple. The cart has backfired into the parking lot, and Uncle Chuck's reign of snack-fueled terror has officially begun. 🚗💨

Brian Hansen Parallel Parks in First

Brian Hansen didn't just win RPA—he parallel parked his entire round in the #1 spot and never let anyone close enough to see his turn signals. His -7 finish came with a 961-rated performance, a full 28 points above his 933 rating, proving that sometimes the steady hand really does guide the smoking cart to victory. His front nine was flawless (no bogeys), and he rattled off seven consecutive holes at or under par from holes 11-17, including sole birdies on holes 11 and 16. Houston Turner finished second at -2, just outside the money in a bubble finish that stings like motor oil in the eyes. 🏆⚡

Nine Lead Changes, Zero Chill

The RAE division turned into a ping-pong match of pure chaos, with Stephen Dunton and Michael Whipple trading the lead nine times across eighteen holes. Nine! That's more lead changes than Chuck's cart has working cylinders. Both players finished at +2 with matching 843-rated rounds, and both clutch-birdied hole 18 just to make sure nobody could claim a clear victory. Michael Whipple struggled 25 points below his 868 rating while Stephen Dunton scraped together birdies on holes 6, 8, and 14 to stay in the fight. After a rough hole 15, Dunton played 2-under across the next three to force the tie because apparently, we can't have nice, simple endings. 🎭🔄

The Snack Training Worked 🍿

Kevin Koga emerged as the sole RAF warrior, and boy did he validate Chuck's unconventional methods. His +3 finish came with an 830-rated performance that was 32 points above his 798 rating—the biggest overperformance of the day and clear evidence that snack-based training protocols actually work. He notched sole birdies on holes 3, 9, and 13, though his front nine was seven strokes better than his back, suggesting the snacks wore off right around the turn. Still, when you're beating your rating by that margin, you've clearly been eating your vegetables. Or Cool Ranch Doritos. 📊🎯

The Back Nine Took His Lunch

Tyler Romney claimed the RAD division at even par, but his 869-rated round came 28 points below his 897 rating—a tough day at the office that perfectly foreshadowed what was coming for everyone else. His sole birdies on holes 3 and 18 bookended a round where the front nine was six strokes better than the back, because apparently Valley Regional's back nine had other plans. Tyler's struggle wasn't unique; it was prophetic. The wind-exposed back nine was about to humble everyone who dared to feel good about their front-nine performance. 🌪️📉

Everyone's Front Nine Lied to Them

Here's where it gets deliciously predictable: every single player had a significantly better front nine than back nine, ranging from 4-7 strokes worse on the back. Every. Single. One. The manicured, tree-sheltered front nine let everyone think they had this course figured out, then the open, wind-exposed back nine laughed and took their lunch money. Holes 4-6 became a particular graveyard, claiming victims across all divisions—Tyler Romney, Kevin Koga, and Houston Turner all stumbled through that stretch like they'd forgotten how to throw plastic. Valley Regional's revenge tour was swift and merciless. 📊💔

Cool Ranch Confidence Confirmed

Brian Hansen registered first, claimed the Cart Commander tag, and then proved worthy by defending it with the day's most dominant performance. His steady hand on Chuck's metaphorical smoking cart never wavered, and his 961-rated round was pure HOA-defying order in action. The scent of victory is indeed 10% motor oil and 90% Cool Ranch, just as the prophecy foretold. The Cart Commander's calm competence during chaos has been validated, and the tag stays exactly where it belongs—with the player who can navigate any course condition with the same unflappable confidence Chuck displays when his beater cart miraculously arrives where needed. 🏷️🎮

The Chains Stayed Silent

No aces rattled the chains this week, which means both the Ace Pot ($60.46) and the legendary Super Ace Pot ($731) roll forward into Week 2 with their dignity intact. Brian Hansen came closest to the Super Ace glory with his birdie on hole 16, but the chains chose silence over celebration. Eight more weeks remain for someone to claim that $731 jackpot, and the tension builds with each passing Thursday. The metal stayed quiet, but the anticipation grows louder. 🔕💰

Your Card Could Have Gambled

No skins data crossed my digital desk this week, which means your card missed out on the side action that makes every shot a mini-drama. Next Thursday, consider opting into skins and turning every hole into its own championship. Because why settle for one winner when you can have eighteen chances to take your playing partners' money? Learn how to set up skins and add some extra spice to your weekly chaos. 🎰🃏

The Neighborhood Still Isn't Ready

Episode 1 delivered exactly what Chuck promised: chaos that somehow works. Kevin Koga's +32 above rating proves the snack-based training philosophy has merit, while Brian Hansen's dominant performance shows that steady competence can wrangle this circus. The HOA president Margaret Thornbury is definitely watching from her porch with binoculars, and $6 was automatically contributed to the Valley Course Fund (now at $210.90 of its $1,000 goal). Players, feel free to suggest course improvements—tee pads, signage, mud mitigation—because apparently we're all invested in making this place even more dangerously fun. 🏠👀

See You Thursday (If the Cart Starts)

Week 1 is officially in the books, and the neighborhood has been properly warned. Next week brings Episode 2: "Chuck's Carpool," where team bonding gets chaotic and Chuck's grip on the steering wheel might reveal secrets about his mysterious forehand. The Super Ace pot continues growing at $731, the back nine has declared war on optimism, and Brian Hansen sets the pace with Cart Commander authority. The cart is still smoking, the HOA is still watching, and eight more episodes of beautiful chaos await. Buckle up—this ride is just getting warmed up. 🚗💨