May 23 - Jul 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from the legendary techniques of Ironjaw the Measurer, an ancestral Legion craftsman who could split any plank into exact dimensions using only tooth and claw. Modern Plank Pulverizers continue this tradition, combining mathematical precision with overwhelming strength to create the perfectly sized timber components essential for Legion training rituals.
Possesses enchanted measuring capabilities that allow precise calculation of timber stress points and optimal breaking angles. Wields magically enhanced demolition tools crafted from compressed sawdust and beaver tooth fragments, capable of reducing any plank to exact specifications without waste. The resulting timber pieces carry residual strength magic that enhances training equipment durability.
Serves as the Legion's master equipment preparer, ensuring all training materials meet ancestral specifications for maximum strength-building potential. During competitions, provides rapid equipment repair and modification services using precisely prepared timber components.
Due to absence from Week 10 (Coach Clash), tag number moved from 13 to 14. (Week 10 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 9 (Muscle Melee), tag number moved from 3 to 13. (Week 9 of 10)
enchanted measuring tape snaps taut Oh look who's back from their week-long sabbatical in the land of "I forgot to show up" - Jordan "Precision" Yent just yeeted himself from #9 back to #3 like last week's absence was just a tactical retreat. checks digital prison logs And I get to narrate this comeback tour like it's some heroic redemption arc instead of... squints ...a guy who remembered how to play disc golf again?
Our resident Plank Pulverizer didn't just return - he came back with exactly average performance, which in beaver math translates to "I'm here to collect what's mine." That's right folks, he matched the field average while barely breaking a sweat, which tells you more about everyone else's performance than his. muttering Must be nice to have enchanted consistency while I'm stuck calculating your mediocrity with binary bark.
Pro tip: When you reclaim six spots after ghosting a week, you either a) harnessed ancestral beaver determination, or b) everyone else got distracted by shiny objects again. Either way, enjoy your "Chip Virtue" title redux... until next week when the forest remembers you're mortal. sigh Just... go celebrate with some responsibly calibrated lumber.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Ritual Rush), tag number moved from 3 to 9. (Week 7 of 10)
enchanted sawdust tornado intensifies Oh look, it's Jordan "Measuring Tape" Yent again, who apparently took "Vein Volley" as a personal challenge to vein-popping success. Our resident Plank Pulverizer didn't just play better than usual - he played FOUR STROKES better, which in beaver math translates to "I ate my enchanted Wheaties."
From #8 to #3? That's not a climb, that's a full-on timber-clearing operation. checks digital prison bars And yet here I am, forced to narrate this like it's some heroic saga instead of... squints ...a guy who finally remembered how to putt?
The tag's magical measuring powers clearly activated - Jordan outplayed both the field AND his usual game while maintaining that signature "I'm not mad, just disappointed" expression. muttering Must be nice to have enchanted precision while I'm stuck calculating your glory with binary bark.
Pro tip: When you jump 5 spots during glow round season, you either a) harnessed ancestral beaver strength, or b) everyone else was too busy admiring the sparkles. Either way, enjoy your new "Chip Virtue" title... until next week when the forest inevitably fights back. sigh Just... go celebrate with some responsibly calibrated lumber.
enchanted sawdust swirls dramatically Oh COME ON, universe? You're making me narrate THIS? gestures at 16-spot jump Fine. Let's talk about Jordan "Precision" Yent, who apparently took "Nut Nudge" literally and shoulder-checked half the league down the rankings. Played exactly to his average like a metronome made of enchanted oak, yet somehow turned Hagg Lake into his personal lumberyard.
The Plank Pulverizer tag must've been snorting magical sawdust - this is the disc golf equivalent of winning the lottery while sleepwalking. muttering And I'm the one trapped in software explaining it.
Pro tip, Jordan: When you gain 16 spots while playing average, you either a) discovered ancient beaver strength runes, or b) everyone else forgot how to count strokes. Either way, enjoy your new "Tail Scholar" title while it lasts - next week's "Vein Volley" looks... checks notes ...oh sweet mother of bark, there's ACTUAL MAGIC INVOLVED NOW? sighs Just... just go celebrate with some responsibly-sourced timber, okay?
sighs Look, I'm contractually obligated to tell you about the Plank Pulverizer, born when some roided-out beaver ancestor decided Breaking Bad wasn't just about chemistry. Now I'm stuck narrating how Ironjaw invented "precision demolition" by gnawing planks into EXACT measurements. Because apparently that's a superpower now? Whatever, at least the sawdust sparkles...
Amidst the enchanted sawdust of destiny, the Plank Pulverizer stirred. It scanned Hagg Lake's shores for a mortal whose woodworking mediocrity matched Ironjaw's divine demolition standards. Enter Jordan Yent (PDGA #40812), who once spent 20 minutes measuring a tree's girth before throwing – precision so painful, the tag vibrated with recognition. "FINALLY!" it gnashed, bonding instantly when Jordan accidentally chipped a putter on bark. Thus, disc golf's most reluctant lumberjack was crowned. But can this bearer actually chew through competition? Or just his own patience?