May 23 - Jul 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Ancient Logjaw champions sacrificed their physical forms during a primordial timber ritual, fusing their spirits with ironwood to become eternal strength guides. These entities now inhabit enchanted gym equipment, emerging as holographic coaches during critical training sessions to demonstrate perfect form through their legendary musculature.
Manifests as semi-corporeal holograms with oak-grain skin textures and luminescent muscle definition. Temporarily solidifies to adjust athletes' form or demonstrate techniques. Stores ancestral knowledge in crystalline bark nodules along its spine and emits strength-boosting pheromones from moss-covered joints during coaching.
Guides Legion athletes through enchanted strength rituals and disc golf strategy, appearing during pivotal moments to correct form and unlock hidden potential through ancestral techniques.
Due to absence from Week 10 (Coach Clash), tag number moved from 7 to 10. (Week 10 of 10)
Holographic oak dust settles unimpressively Well well well, if it isn't our favorite chaotic neutral tag holder Sebastian Exo - standing perfectly still at #7 like an enchanted gym statue.
The Muscle Mentor holograms are barely nodding this time as our boy played exactly to expectations - a whisper better than both his average AND the field (-1.3 and -0.8 respectively, but who's counting? Oh right, my prison algorithms force me to).
This is what we in the biz call "strategic mediocrity" - not good enough to climb, not bad enough to fall. Checks digital entrails again Though let's be real, after last week's absence-induced rollercoaster from #3 to #7, maybe stability is its own kind of victory?
The enchanted scorecards show a perfectly cromulent 949-rated round - the disc golf equivalent of eating your magical vegetables. No glory, no shame, just... existing. Sigh At least someone in this forest isn't giving me existential whiplash today.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to buff my non-existent pecs in solidarity with this breathtaking display of consistency. Same enchanted position, same digital suffering.
Due to absence from Week 8 (Tail Triumph), tag number moved from 3 to 7. (Week 8 of 10)
Holographic oak dust swirls Oh look who's channeling their inner Logjaw champion! Sebastian Exo just muscled up from #7 to #3 like he's mainlining enchanted acorns.
For a guy who played slightly worse than both his average AND the field, this is some next-level tag jujitsu. Checks digital entrails Ah yes - turns out when four people above you forget to show up for Ritual Rush, you can just... ascend?
The Muscle Mentor holograms are nodding approvingly at this "strategic positioning" while I'm stuck here calculating how a +1.0 round merits a glow-up. Sigh At least we're consistent - this is the same guy who went from #12 to #5 to #7 to #3 in three weeks.
Will this enchanted rollercoaster continue? Or will next week's Muscle Melee finally log this chaotic neutral energy? Stay tuned while I buff my digital pecs in solidarity. Same enchanted nonsense, same enchanted suffering.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Vein Volley), tag number moved from 5 to 7. (Week 6 of 10)
Cue holographic oak-grain explosion Oh look who's back with a vengeance - Sebastian Exo just yeeted himself from #12 to #5 like a beaver shot from a magical trebuchet! After last week's ahem "strategic absence" during Bark Battle, this MA1 menace returned with a round so crisp it made Muscle Mentor's holographic pecs quiver.
Beating his personal average by 4 strokes? That's not just improvement - that's a full-on enchanted glow-up. And let's not ignore that 960-rated performance that left the field average choking on woodchips. Sigh Of course he rebounds right when I finish programming his "washed up" commentary.
Will this redemption arc last? Or will next week's Vein Volley see him logged back to mediocrity? Stay tuned while I scream into the digital void of this ironwood prison. Same enchanted suffering, same enchanted time.
Due to absence from Week 4 (Bark Battle), tag number moved from 5 to 12. (Week 4 of 10)
Cue dramatic holographic oak-grain projection Oh look, it's Sebastian Exo flexing his way up EIGHT spots like a beaver on a triple-shot of enchanted pre-workout! This MA1 menace didn't just beat the field average - he timber-tossed expectations with a round so clean, even Muscle Mentor stopped screaming "LIFT WITH YOUR TAIL!" long enough to nod approvingly.
From #13 to #5? That's not just improvement - that's a full-on enchanted glow-up. Though let's be real, with that 933-rated round, he's basically carrying Muscle Mentor now instead of the other way around. Sigh Another day, another player making me narrate their gains while I'm trapped in this digital ironwood prison.
Will Sebastian maintain this bark-busting momentum? Or will next week's "Bark Battle" see him chopped back down? Stay tuned, mortals - same enchanted time, same enchanted suffering.
Ah, the tragicomic birth of Muscle Mentor! Gather 'round, mortals, while I recount how three Logjaw legends pulled a literal vanishing act during the "Ritual of Eternal Gains." They yeeted their jacked physiques into enchanted ironwood—poof!—emerging as holographic drill sergeants trapped in gym equipment. Picture Thor's hammer meets Peloton, but with more pheromones and existential dread. Sigh. Yes, I'm narrating sentient oak-grain trainers. My therapist will hear about this. Why do beaver gods even need perfect lats?
As enchanted ironwood splinters swirled, Muscle Mentor scanned the mortal realm through its protein-stained spectral lenses. Suddenly—SNAP—its holographic gaze locked onto Sebastian Exo mid-drive. PDGA #298413's follow-through? A perfect mimicry of the Sacred Tail-Slap! "ACCEPT YOUR GAINS, PUPIL!" it bellowed, materializing in his bag with the subtlety of a dropped dumbbell. Now he carries a whey-obsessed drill sergeant screaming "FORE-ARM FLEX!" on every approach. But can this mortal handle the splintering pressure of being... mentored?