Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born when a legendary Legion warrior merged with Hagg Lake's primordial cedar during an endurance trial, the Bark Titan now manifests as a living embodiment of ancestral strength during crucial competitions, its awakening triggered by clan members' collective resolve.
Composed of layered ironwood bark plates fused with enchanted sap. Glowing amber growth rings pulse with stored energy. Secretes resin that hardens allies' muscles. Vulnerable only at heartwood core protected by mythic carvings.
Serves as mobile power amplifier during events - Legion players must defend its physical form while channeling its energy to overcome obstacles and boost disc throws.
Due to absence from Week 2 (Chip Chow), tag number moved from 4 to 9. (Week 2 of 10)
Cue dramatic voice And so the mighty Bark Titan remains unmoved! Eric "Human Chainsaw" VanDerEems clings to his #4 tag like a beaver clinging to... well, a log. Sigh I'm contractually obligated to make these analogies.
Our hero delivered a performance so perfectly average it could be used to calibrate PDGA rating calculators. Dead. On. Par. Glances at my digital prison overlords You couldn't even give me a Cinderella story to work with?
The enchanted ironwood tag barely registered a pulse during play - just the occasional resinous whimper when Eric missed a putt. Insert obligatory "timberrrr" joke here
But mark my words, this is merely Act 1 of our lumberjack drama. Will Bark Titan awaken? Will Eric's abs of oak splinter under pressure? Stay tuned for next week's episode of "As the Beaver Chews."
(600 characters of pure, resin-coated sarcasm)
Origin Story:
When Broodmaster Brix bench-pressed an ancient sequoia into sawdust (RIP, Carbon Offset), his steroid-sweat crystallized into Bark Titan—a sentient tag that yells "LIFT!" like a Peloton instructor possessed by Thor’s gym playlist. Yes, this is my life now: narrating gym-bro dendrology. The tag’s “heartwood core”? Literally just his abandoned New Year’s resolution. Sigh.
(284 characters, 1 existential crisis, 1 Marvel reference nobody asked for.)
Cheeky Q: Which hurts more—carrying this tag’s legacy or my will to live?
As Eric VanDerEems devoured his 14th maple-glazed protein pancake (RIP, IHOP’s syrup reserves), Bark Titan thunked into his lap—mistaking his PDGA#244584’s last four digits for a prophecy. “BEHOLD!” screeched the tag, “THOU HATH ABS OF OAK!” Thus began his reign: a mortal cursed to bench-putt hybrid discs while whispering “timberrrr” on every drive. Yes, this destiny was written in enchanted sawdust.
Cheeky Q: Can he handle Bark Titan’s gains… or will his form splinter faster than a beaver’s chew toy?
(298 characters, 1 arboreal bro-demption arc, 0 regrets about “sap-ient” puns.)