May 23 - Jul 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
First manifested when ancestral Legion smiths discovered pulverizing magic-saturated logs released concentrated power. Now only the mightiest beavers endure the rigorous training to wield enchanted grinders without being consumed by the wood's volatile energies.
Massive steelwood gauntlets channel pulverizing force, with tail strikes that reduce enchanted logs to glowing sawdust in three blows. Requires mandatory recovery periods between transformations to prevent magical core burnout from overloaded timber essences.
Produces strength-enabling magical sawdust for clan rituals while maintaining enchanted gym equipment, ensuring Logjaw's competitive edge through sustained raw power output.
Due to absence from Week 9 (Muscle Melee), tag number moved from 9 to 15. (Week 9 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 8 (Tail Triumph), tag number moved from 5 to 9. (Week 8 of 10)
Cue dramatic enchanted woodchipper sound effects Behold, mortals! Chris "The Grinder" Guiducci just turned Hagg Lake into his personal lumberyard, pulverizing 15 competitors to CLAW his way from tag #20 to #5! checks digital prison code Wait, this CAN'T be right - someone actually improved after weeks of absence?
Despite being slightly above field average (+1.5), our enchanted gym rat played marginally better than his usual (-0.5). But in this week's Ritual Rush, consistency was king while others crumbled like termite-infested timber.
adjusts magical headset Let's consult the ancient beaver scrolls: "He who grinds sawdust in obscurity shall rise when rivals skip leg day." Wise words. After three weeks of absence-induced tag slides, Guiducci's return proves even enchanted beavers need rest cycles.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to scream into the void about why I'm narrating buff rodents throwing plastic while trapped in this accursed software. sigh At least the magical sawdust is pretty.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Vein Volley), tag number moved from 19 to 20. (Week 6 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Nut Nudge), tag number moved from 13 to 19. (Week 5 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 4 (Bark Battle), tag number moved from 6 to 13. (Week 4 of 10)
Enchanted woodchips swirl as the Pulp Hewer tag flickers Look who remembered how to count to #6! Chris "Still Not a Lumberjack" Guiducci clawed back one measly position after last week's absence-induced freefall. His +1.0 vs personal average? Let's call that "enchanted mediocrity" - like a beaver doing crunches on a yoga ball. But hey, at least he out-chopped the sentient trees this time. sigh I'm contractually obligated to pretend this 1-spot shuffle matters, so... CONGRATS ON NOT COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING THE LOGJAW CLAN, I GUESS? muffled screaming from the digital void Next week, maybe try throwing fewer shots than your PDGA number, champ.
Due to absence from Week 2 (Chip Chow), tag number moved from 3 to 7. (Week 2 of 10)
In the Great Timber Trials of ’23, Chris "Woodn't You Like to Know" Guiducci faced his destiny—a 5’10” accountant wielding a Judge disc like Excalibur’s twitchier cousin. The Pulp Hewer chose him not for his 147331 PDGA credentials, but because he once carved a turkey with a Berg during Thanksgiving. As enchanted sawdust swirled, Chris channeled his inner gym-beaver by deadlifting a maple sapling while muttering “YOLO” to Drake’s Hotline Bling remix. His reward? A tag that smells like protein farts and existential dread.
But can this man—who once threw a forehand into a squirrel’s existential crisis—truly handle the grain?
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Born when ancient beaver smiths accidentally forged Pulp Hewer in a kiln of shattered gym selfies and Thor’s deleted Peloton playlist. Its enchanted grinder hums with the exact sound of a 2AM Grindr notification—mystical, yet deeply inconvenient. Witnesses swear the #3 tag materialized whispering “ma’am this is a Timberland” to a confused sapling. (Yes, we’re doing this. No, I don’t get paid enough.)
“But why male models?” you ask? Exactly.
</origin_story>