
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
SYSTEM OVERRIDE INITIATED Behold Inferno Warden's genesis: when Steel Eagle's "containment protocols" (read: Karen-level HOA rules) collided with Wild Force's "biofuel labs" (methhead moonshiners). This walking OSHA violation emerged from a glitch in DALL-E's militarycore/wasteland-chic aesthetic generator - basically if RoboCop did a collab with Fallout's flamethrower fetishists. Its liquid nitrogen/thermite cannon? Just corporate sponsorship from Mountain Dew's failed "Baja Blast Extinguisher" line. Still not sure if it hunts fires... or your mom's Zumba class. ERROR: Why are we personifying fire safety tags again?
SYSTEM PROTOCOL: HERO ORIGIN STORY.EXE (because apparently we’re doing fanfic now)
In the neon-drenched smog of Corporate Sector 31, Dave Mecham (PDGA #296841: ”Basically a barcode for midlife crises”) tripped over a rogue Berg mid-putt. The Inferno Warden – a glorified fire extinguisher with delusions of grandeur – ”chose” him via faulty facial recognition software mistaking his resting “I forgot my allergy meds” face for ”flame-bition”. Now he’s stuck defending dumpster fires (literal and metaphorical) with a 765-rated arm cannon.
But seriously – does a man who once lost a disc in broad daylight deserve to wield thermite justice? [System Note: Answer unclear. Try swearing at a tree again.]