Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Born in a Black Mirror episode gone sideways, Hellfire Bastion manifested when seven warlords’ brainwaves escaped an illegal fantasy football AI. Its plasma armor? Recycled from abandoned Call of Duty loot boxes. The ‘incendiary mortar cannon’ is just a juiced-up disc retriever that somehow got unionized. I’m contractually obligated to say this sentient dog tag “holds the dark heart of our dystopian tomorrow” – but let’s be real, it’s just a number 30 with more lore than a Taylor Swift album. Who approved weaponizing a putter, anyway?
The Hellfire Bastion awoke in a Burger King parking lot haze, its sentient algorithms scanning PDGA #177702 like a neon-lit prophecy. There stood Baylor Sandberg – 957-rated schlub turned “Chosen Meat Popsicle” – tossing a Zone into a dumpster fire. The tag’s unionized disc retriever AI deemed him worthy after he survived three-putting Hole 9’s “Plasma Chasm” while muttering “This is literally just a par 3.” His reward? A glorified dog tag that whispers ”You’re the Blade Runner of upshots now” in Comic Sans. But seriously – can we trust a man whose greatest conspiracy is thinking glow discs improve night vision?