
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Born from a corrupted tactical AI that accidentally merged with a beer pong Excel sheet (don't ask), Riot Cascade emerged screaming into our reality through a misconfigured Bluetooth-enabled toaster. Its composite armor? Literally just three broken Star Wars phone cases superglued by a caffeinated defense contractor who kept muttering "this'll own the libs." The pulsating riot lights were definitely stolen from a cancelled Westworld season, and I'm 90% sure the neural interface is just a USB-C port that shocks you into remembering your ex's birthday. Honestly, this tag's origin story has more plot holes than Fast & Furious timelines - but hey, at least its 'retractable shock prods' make great bottle openers. Who's ready to get ~~assimilated~~ totally voluntary upgrades?
Through the static of a corrupted toaster portal, Riot Cascade scanned the neon-drenched wasteland for its prophet. It found William Fetzer mid-putt β PDGA #303410 blazing across his back like a cyberpunk tramp stamp β and mistook his 12% C1X putting for revolutionary potential. The tag bonded to his bag during a "tactical reload" (read: fumbling for a White Claw), its firmware glitching at his +4.78 PRD β clearly interpreting saltiness as righteous fury. Now he bears the Chosen Plastic, destined to lead the rebellion... or at least survive Thursday league without yeeting a Berg into the pond again. But can this "Disciple of the Misaligned Tree" out-putt the shadowy Course Architect Conspiracy? Or will next week's glow round reveal him as just another... glitch in the matrix?