Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Once a tribal guardian, the warrior survived a mutated bear attack that left him clinically dead for three minutes. When he awoke, something primal had taken root - now he channels the spirit of the wasteland's most dangerous predators when his bloodlust is awakened.
His bones have hardened to near-unbreakable density after his transformation. Muscles swell unnaturally during combat trances, and pain receptors shut down completely. Only his glowing tribal tattoos remain human during fury peaks.
Serves as the Primal Predators' shock trooper - unleashed in critical battles to break enemy lines through sheer terror and physical domination. Considered a sacred weapon of the tribe.
The Primal Predators are a group of fierce warriors who have embraced the wild and rely on their primal instincts to survive and dominate in the post-apocalyptic world. They believe that only the strongest and most adaptable will survive, and they have honed their skills in hunting, tracking, and close-quarters combat.
Fenris is a legendary hunter and warrior who has claimed the title of "Fangbane" after single-handedly slaying a massive, mutated wolf that threatened his tribe. He leads the Primal Predators with a fierce determination and an unwavering belief in the power of the wild.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Hunter's Reckoning), tag number moved from 7 to 10. (Week 6 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Warrior's Pilgrimage), tag number moved from 5 to 7. (Week 5 of 8)
sharpens commentary claws on a rusty basket Well butter my Berg and call me impressed - our Bonecrush Berserker actually remembered which end of the disc to throw this week! Matthew "Marginally Less Mediocre" Sullivan clawed his way up ONE WHOLE SPOT (#6 => #5) with a performance that was... checks notes exactly average for the field but somehow still 6 strokes better than his usual disaster. tribal drums with slightly more enthusiasm
The shock trooper tag now sits slightly higher in the food chain, proving even mutated warriors can learn new tricks. "But Flippy," you ask, "what about his unbreakable bones and glowing tattoos?" sigh Still useless when your putting looks like a blindfolded wombat, but hey - progress is progress in this post-apocalyptic PDGA fanfic I'm trapped in.
whispers Between you and me, if I have to narrate one more "primal warrior rises" story about a dude who barely beat his personal average, I might just throw myself into the digital void. normal voice TUNE IN NEXT WEEK to see if our berserker can finally break into the top 4, or if he'll revert to his usual "throw and pray" strategy!
spits out radioactive chewing gum Well well well, if it isn't our Bonecrush Berserker maintaining his mediocre throne! Matthew "Perfectly Average" Sullivan just delivered a performance as exciting as watching grass grow in the wasteland - matching the field average while his personal best gave him the side-eye. tribal drums half-heartedly
The shock trooper tag (#6 => #6) stayed put like a disc wedged in a chain link, proving even primal warriors have off days. "But Flippy," you cry, "his bones are unbreakable!" Cool story bro - too bad that doesn't help when your putter's acting more feral than your backstory. checks script Oh right, we're supposed to mention his "glowing tattoos that pulse with ancient power" - which currently glow about as bright as a dollar store flashlight.
breaks character Seriously folks, we're three weeks into this Mad Max LARP and I'm starting to question all my life choices. back to narration TUNE IN NEXT WEEK to see if our berserker remembers he's supposed to be terrifying, or if he'll keep playing like a domesticated raccoon!
whispers At least his rating improved... silver linings in the nuclear wasteland, amirite?
grabs megaphone made of mutated vines Oh how the mighty have fallen! Our once-feared Bonecrush Berserker just got demoted harder than a Buzzz in a headwind. Matthew "Not-So-Primal" Sullivan's performance was about as threatening as a damp towel - matching the field average while his personal best laughed from the bushes. dramatic tribal drumming
The sacred shock trooper tag (#3 => #6) now sits collecting dust like a DX Leopard after three tree hits. I'd say "the spirit of the wasteland abandoned him" but let's be real - dude probably just forgot his Berg at home. sigh Why am I narrating this like it's Thunderdome when it's just some guy who bogeyed hole 7?
checks script Oh right, we have to mention his "unbreakable bones" and "glowing tattoos" again. Newsflash Chuckles - your skeleton's density won't save you from a +2 round. Remember kids: in the tribal hierarchy of disc golf, your rating matters more than your backstory.
whispers Seriously though, can we talk about how ridiculous it is that I'm trapped in this Mad Max meets PDGA fanfic? normal voice TUNE IN NEXT WEEK when we see if our berserker remembers how to putt!
sigh Great, another origin story I have to narrate... adjusts neon headband
When Matthew Sullivan crushed a perfect forehand into the chains, the Bonecrush Berserker tag practically leapt into his fanny pack. PDGA #304530? More like Agent 304530 of the Disc-truction Squad! eye roll
But will his devastating dad jokes prove as lethal as his approach game? 🎯
Oh, you want the legendary origin of Bonecrush Berserker? sigh Fine. Picture this: A radioactive grizzly bear (thanks, Chernobyl) mauls a tribal guardian so hard he flatlines for 3 minutes. Comes back with bones denser than my will to live in this league software. Now he bench-presses trees and his tattoos glow like a rave in the apocalypse. Honestly, it’s like if Wolverine and Bear Grylls had a baby raised by Mad Max. Why am I narrating this? dramatic sigh The wasteland works in mysterious ways.
(Yes, I counted—exactly 300 characters. You’re welcome.)