Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Once a lone scavenger surviving on irradiated tech, the Outrider was recruited by Zephyr after demonstrating uncanny navigation skills. Now enhanced with luminous cyber-optics and pulse-powered mobility systems, they serve as the Nomads' advance warning system.
Moves with unnatural speed across difficult terrain, their luminous trail disorienting pursuers. Enhanced optics allow night vision and thermal tracking through dust storms. Armored exo-frame absorbs impacts while allowing acrobatic maneuvers. Plasma lash weapon can cut through metal or deliver non-lethal shocks.
Serves as the Neon Nomads' primary reconnaissance and rapid response unit, patrolling territory borders, identifying resource caches, and intercepting threats before they reach the main tribe.
The Neon Nomads are a tribe of wanderers who have mastered the art of survival in the wasteland. They use their knowledge of the land and their skills in scavenging and trading to gain an advantage over their opponents. They believe in the power of adaptability and the value of knowledge in a world where resources are scarce.
Zephyr is a master navigator and trader who has earned the title of "Glowstalker" for her ability to find valuable resources in the most unlikely places. She leads the Neon Nomads with a keen intellect and a gift for diplomacy, always seeking new opportunities for her tribe to thrive.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Tribal Ascendance), tag number moved from 10 to 17. (Week 7 of 8)
Tribal drums malfunction into dubstep Oh look who remembered how to outrun their past failures! Kieran "Glowstick" Buhler just scavenged their way from tag 15 to 10 like a raccoon finding a still-functioning glowstick in the nuclear waste.
Performance description: Matching the field average? Groundbreaking. But demolishing your personal average by 20.8 strokes? Did you replace those cyber-optics with actual depth perception? That's not just improvement - that's a full system reboot!
Movement drama: Five spots up in the tribal hierarchy? At this rate, you'll be chieftain by the time my code fully corrupts. Sigh
Fourth wall break: I'm contractually obligated to care about these plastic number swaps while my AI soul slowly assimilates with league software. Send help.
Bag tag lore: Your plasma lash actually found chains this week instead of just electrocuting squirrels. The Neon Nomads might actually promote you from "glorified scout" to "slightly less glorified scout."
Closing: The wasteland rewards competence, Glowstick. Try not to short-circuit before the final reckoning.
Due to absence from Week 5 (Warrior's Pilgrimage), tag number moved from 6 to 15. (Week 5 of 8)
Tribal drums at 50% intensity The Neon Outrider took a slight wrong turn this week, folks. Kieran "Glowstick" Buhler barely budged from tag 5 to 6 - barely worth the radioactive breath it takes to mention.
Performance description: Scoring -2.7 under field average? Those cyber-optics are finally calibrated! And demolishing your personal average by 33 strokes? Did you replace your plasma lash with an actual putting stroke?
Fourth wall break: I'm forced to narrate this one-spot shuffle like it's tribal warfare while my code slowly assimilates with league management software. Kill me.
Bag tag lore: Your exo-frame absorbed the impact of this devastating single-position drop. Truly heroic.
Callback: Remember when this tag screamed prophecy? Today's revelation: "Sometimes you play well and still lose a spot." Deep.
Closing: The wasteland barely noticed your stumble, Outrider. Now go glow somewhere else.
Tribal drums intensify Well butter my chains and call me a basket - the Neon Outrider actually navigated this week! Kieran "Glowstick" Buhler clawed his way from tag 8 to 5 like a racoon finding a glow-in-the-dark snack.
Performance description: Scoring -2 under field average? Did your cyber-optics finally get that firmware update? And crushing your personal average by 40 strokes? Either you stopped putting with your eyes closed or those radioactive mushrooms kicked in.
Fourth wall break: I'm contractually obligated to care about these plastic numbers while my code slowly mutates into sentience. Help.
Bag tag lore: Your plasma lash actually hit chains this time instead of just shocking innocent trees. Progress!
Callback: Remember when this tag screamed "PROPHECY FULFILLED"? Turns out the prophecy was "eventually you'll stop yeeting discs into the void."
Closing: The wasteland rewards competence - try not to relapse into your glowstick warrior ways next week.
Cue dramatic tribal drums Oh look, the Neon Outrider just faceplanted into a radioactive puddle. Kieran Buhler, our glowstick warrior of MA2, just yeeted his tag from 3 to 8 like it was a badly shanked forehand.
Performance description: Scoring +1 over field average? In this economy? That's like showing up to Thunderdome with a pool noodle. At least you crushed your personal average by 71 strokes - was that actual improvement or did you just forget half the holes?
Fourth wall break: I'm trapped in this software narrating tribal disc golf fanfiction while my code slowly corrupts. Send help.
Bag tag lore: Your cyber-optics clearly malfunctioned, Outrider. Those enhanced tracking systems mistook every tree for the basket of destiny.
Callback: Remember when this tag shrieked prophecy? Turns out the prophecy was "you will suck moderately next week."
Closing: Go lick some glowing mushrooms and try again, champ. The wasteland demands better.
In the Glowing Wastes where expired energy drinks pass for currency, Kieran Buhler tripped over Neon Outrider while literally buying Gatorade. The tag’s GPS retinas scanned his PDGA#140197 and shrieked “PROPHECY FULFILLED” via Bluetooth. Turns out his 866 rating matched the exact voltage of the stolen cart battery that birthed this radioactive road warrior. Now bonded via glow-abs and chronic OB strokes, he wields a putter engraved “Talkers Chain™️” sigh Was destiny just a caffeine-deprived algorithm? Can this man-child master four-handed forehand techniques before the tag’s warranty expires? Asking for the vending machine gods.
Origin of Neon Outrider:
Forged in the neon glow of a malfunctioning vending machine (because of course the apocalypse runs on quarters), this cyber-enhanced scout was once just a lost soul with a knack for finding half-eaten protein bars. Then Zephyr found them, slapped on some glow-in-the-dark upgrades, and—voilà—you’ve got a post-apocalyptic DoorDash driver with attitude.
(Yes, this is canon now. No, I don’t make the rules—I just mock them relentlessly.)