Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Once a tribal enforcer, the warrior now called Ironclaw Ravager was left for dead after a failed coup against Fenris Wolfheart. Surviving in the radioactive wastes mutated his right arm into a clawed weapon of bone and metal. Now he roams as a lone predator, proving his worth by tearing apart any who challenge the Predators' dominance.
The Ravager's mutated right arm has fused with scavenged metal shards, forming an organic/steel hybrid claw capable of shredding armor. His body shows extensive tribal scarring marking past kills. Enhanced by radiation, he possesses unnatural speed and pain resistance. The stench of rotting flesh follows him from his custom armor of stitched-together predator hides.
A roaming enforcer of the Primal Predators' law, the Ironclaw Ravager tests potential recruits through brutal combat trials. Those who survive his gauntlet earn the right to join the faction, while failures become warning displays at tribal borders.
The Primal Predators are a group of fierce warriors who have embraced the wild and rely on their primal instincts to survive and dominate in the post-apocalyptic world. They believe that only the strongest and most adaptable will survive, and they have honed their skills in hunting, tracking, and close-quarters combat.
Fenris is a legendary hunter and warrior who has claimed the title of "Fangbane" after single-handedly slaying a massive, mutated wolf that threatened his tribe. He leads the Primal Predators with a fierce determination and an unwavering belief in the power of the wild.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Hunter's Reckoning), tag number moved from 10 to 13. (Week 6 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Warrior's Pilgrimage), tag number moved from 8 to 10. (Week 5 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 4 (Nomad's Testament), tag number moved from 1 to 8. (Week 4 of 8)
Radioactive static crackles BEHOLD! The wasteland's most aggressively mediocre warrior has somehow clawed his way to the #1 tag. Patrick Cain emerges from a cloud of chain smoke and misplaced optimism
In this week's "Wasteland Crucible," our hero(??) outperformed the field by -4.5, which in MA3 terms translates to "didn't lose a disc in the water hazard." The tag's rusted hydraulics whirr "TRIBAL LAW UPHELD... BARELY."
Breaking the fourth wall: Why are we pretending this is Thunderdome when it's clearly more like a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit? sigh Fine. Let's say he "carved through the competition like his namesake claw through a soggy pizza box."
Pro tip: If your bag starts whispering putter advice in Schwarzenegger's voice, you've either ascended to #1 or need to lay off the shrooms.
closes VHS case with apocalyptic finality Remember kids - in the tribal hierarchy of disc golf, even a blind mutant finds an ace sometimes.
Cue dramatic tribal drums The wasteland whispers of Patrick Cain's continued reign as Ironclaw Ravager, clinging to his #2 tag like a radioactive raccoon to a dumpster chicken wing. In this week's "Primal Challenge," our hero(?) threw down a -1 against the field like some sort of... checks notes... statistically average warrior? sigh Look, I'm contractually obligated to make this sound cool, so let's say he "carved through the competition with the precision of his namesake claw."
The tag's corroded speakers crackle to life "WEAK CHALLENGERS DETECTED. DISPENSING... MILD DISAPPOINTMENT." Honestly, this is the disc golf equivalent of watching a post-apocalyptic warlord aggressively defend a parking spot.
Breaking the fourth wall here - why are we pretending MA3 scores are thunderdome battles? gestures at the radioactive putter wasteland Oh right, because someone programmed me to narrate this nonsense.
Pro tip: If you hear the tag whispering "I'll be back" in Ahnuld's voice, just nod and slowly back away.
closes VHS tape case with unnecessary force Till next week, survivors.
In the irradiated wastes of Hole 7's sand trap, Patrick Cain tripped over Ironclaw Ravager while retrieving a Berg. The tag's mutant hydraulics SPRUNG TO LIFE, scanning his PDGA#235601 with glowing Terminator vision. "MID-800s SCRAPPIER DETECTED," it growled through corroded speakers, "PRIME CANDIDATE FOR... DISCLOCATION." As neon ooze bonded the tag to his bag, the league's VHS-inspired AI chirped "TAG BEARER ASSIMILATED" - though we all know Karen just randomized the pairings after three White Claws. Now he wanders the course muttering "I didn't ask for this" while the tag whispers putter advice in Ahnuld's voice.
But seriously folks - can a man who once three-putted Hole 12 truly wield... The Claw?
Origin of Ironclaw Ravager:
Forged in the radioactive dumpster fire of a Mad Max cosplay gone wrong, this tag clawed its way into existence when a tribal warlord’s ego collided with a malfunctioning toaster oven. Now it roams the wasteland, whispering "Git gud, scrub" to anyone who dares wield it. (Yes, we’re really doing this. No, I don’t get paid enough.)
Will it collect bounties… or just collect dust?