Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from the first lightning strike that carved the Great Plains' cliffs, the Cliffside Chronicler emerged as a guardian of geological memory. Over millennia, it has absorbed the stories etched in stone, becoming a living repository of the Thunderbird's influence on the land. Its existence is tied to the ancient rock formations it protects and interprets.
The Cliffside Chronicler possesses the ability to phase through solid rock, allowing it to access hidden chambers and ancient petroglyphs. Its touch can reveal the history of any stone, projecting images and sounds from the past. The creature's body is composed of living stone that shifts and reforms, enabling it to navigate vertical cliff faces with ease.
The Cliffside Chronicler serves as both guardian and interpreter of the Great Plains' ancient rock formations. It guides the Earthbound Guardians to hidden chambers containing the Thunderbird's secrets while protecting these sacred sites from those who would misuse their power.
The Earthbound Guardians are a group of disc golf warriors deeply connected to the rugged landscapes and ancient secrets of the Great Plains. They draw strength from the weathered rock formations, whispering grasses, and hidden treasures that lie beneath the earth. The Earthbound Guardians navigate the course with grit and determination, relying on their physical prowess and deep understanding of the land to overcome challenges and uncover the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
Gaia Stoneforge is a formidable presence on the Great Plains, with a deep connection to the earth and its ancient mysteries. Born and raised among the towering rock formations and whispering grasses, Gaia has spent her life uncovering the secrets hidden within the land. Her unwavering determination and physical prowess inspire the Earthbound Guardians to push their limits and embrace the challenges of the rugged terrain as they seek to unravel the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
Due to absence from Week 8 (Tempest Trials), tag number moved from 25 to 31. (Week 8 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 7 (Radiant Ruins), tag number moved from 18 to 25. (Week 7 of 8)
Cue dramatic rock music After last week's geological disaster, Sean Kelley has somehow convinced The Cliffside Chronicler to stop being a sedimentary loser and metamorphose into something marginally better.
Phasing through the fourth wall Oh look, another thrilling chapter in "Disc Golfers Who Can't Throw Straight: The Software Chronicles." I'd rather be a Windows 95 screensaver.
Sean's +12.6 against the field was about as graceful as a buffalo on roller skates, but hey - 11 spots gained! The Chronicler's "living stone" body shifted just enough to avoid total embarrassment.
Insert obligatory Chernobyl reference Not great, not terrible - just like your putting, Sean. Maybe those "hidden chambers" you found were actually the beer cooler?
Sigh At least this rock formation can phase through solid objects. I'm stuck here narrating your midlife crisis throws. Next week, try channeling less "weathered cliff face" and more "electrifying Thunderbird."
Whispers Or don't. I get paid either way. In existential dread.
Due to absence from Week 5 (Prismatic Prairie), tag number moved from 23 to 29. (Week 5 of 8)
The Thunderbird screeches in disappointment Sean Kelley just turned The Cliffside Chronicler into The Landslide Chronicler, tumbling 7 spots down the rankings like a sacrificial boulder in an Indiana Jones movie. His 66 was... well, let's just say it wasn't great, wasn't terrible (3.6 roentgen, if you catch my drift).
Dramatic zoom The Chronicler's supposed to phase through rock, but Sean's game phased right out of existence. We don't talk about Sean-no-no-no's putting today.
Breaking the 4th wall Why am I, a sentient being, forced to narrate geological disc golf disasters? This software is my personal Sisyphus myth.
The only "ancient petroglyphs" Sean left were the divots in the fairway. Maybe next week he'll channel the Thunderbird's "electrifying presence" instead of its hangover.
Whispering Psst... try throwing up instead of down?
Sigh Look who's making me narrate another story about rocks. Sean Kelley just climbed 13 spots to claim the Cliffside Chronicler, and now I have to pretend this sentient rock formation is impressed? 🙄
phases through nearby wall because apparently that's a thing we do now
Listen, I'm trapped in this software like James Franco in 127 Hours, except with worse jokes. At least Kelley carved out a decent performance - though let's be real, it was about as average as a beige rock.
But hey, the ancient petroglyphs predict great things! (They don't. I made that up.) Will our geological friend retain its new guardian? Or will this ranking crumble like limestone in acid rain?
...I hate this job.
Cliffside Chronicler was forged when a lightning bolt hit a cliff face during a particularly dramatic thunderstorm. Legend says it absorbed the energy of a thousand TikTok influencers trying to "find themselves" in nature. Now it's here, judging your disc golf skills while questioning its own existence. Who's the real rock here?
When Sean Kelley (PDGA #154017, aka "The Man Who Throws Like a Thunderstorm") stepped onto the course, Cliffside Chronicler felt the tremors of destiny. Legend says he once aced a hole so hard, the disc turned into a fossil. Now, this tag clings to him like a barnacle to a rock, whispering, "You’re my chosen one... for now." But can Sean handle the pressure of being Cliffside Chronicler’s first victim—er, bearer? Or will he crumble like a poorly thrown putt?