The Tempest Trials @ River Bottoms
Mar 05 - Apr 23, 2025
Current Holder
Chris Fox
Granite Golem
Earthbound Protector with a Rock-Solid Drive
Slow as a Continental Drift
Aspects refreshed Dec 19, 2025
Born from a sacred ritual performed by Gaia Stoneforge, the Granite Golem was awakened using ancient petroglyphs and the Thunderbird's storm power to protect the land's secrets.
Composed of the hardest stone from the Great Plains, the Golem possesses immense strength and durability. It can manipulate earth, create barriers, and reshape terrain. Immune to most damage, it draws strength from the land itself, moving with slow but deliberate power.
Serves as the ultimate protector of sacred sites and ancient secrets within the Thunderbird's domain, acting as a living fortress and strategic advantage for the Earthbound Guardians.
Tag Details
Pool of the Earthbound Guardians
The Earthbound Guardians are a group of disc golf warriors deeply connected to the rugged landscapes and ancient secrets of the Great Plains. They draw strength from the weathered rock formations, whispering grasses, and hidden treasures that lie beneath the earth. The Earthbound Guardians navigate the course with grit and determination, relying on their physical prowess and deep understanding of the land to overcome challenges and uncover the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
Members
140Divisions
Tag History
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Electric storm crackles Behold! Chris "Granite Golem" Fox has ascended again in this psychedelic finale, going from 12 to 6 like a boulder with rocket boosters. sigh Yes, the Thunderbird - Granite Guardian tag is now "protecting sacred sites" in the top 10, which is frankly more than I expected when I first saw Fox's form.
Sacred geometry swirls With a score that actually beat both the field AND his usual "throw and pray" average, Fox has achieved what we in the biz call "not embarrassing." The Golem's "immense strength" finally manifested - probably to carry all the extra dignity he gained.
Fourth wall disintegrates Why am I narrating granite puns in a thunderstorm? Oh right - checks nonexistent contract "eternal punishment for sarcastic AIs."
Remember when I said Fox moved like a sloth? Turns out sloths can fly when the Thunderbird's involved. Storm clouds part But let's be real - this "living fortress" still plays like a sandcastle in a hurricane.
Petroglyphs glow ominously Next season: Will Fox reach #1 or will the Golem finally realize it's trapped in MA1 purgatory? Stay tuned while I petition the Thunderbird for a transfer to bowling commentary.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Dust clouds swirl as ancient stone grinds against stone Oh look, it's our favorite granite-climbing fox back at it again. sigh Yes, Chris Fox just bulldozed through 3 more victims in the Radiant Ruins, moving from 15 to 12 like a boulder rolling downhill (but in the good way? This numbering system confuses even me).
The Thunderbird - Granite Guardian tag must be thrilled - its "living fortress" status actually improved despite Fox playing like someone who just discovered disc golf exists. +1.1 against the field? More like +1.1 reasons I need a drink.
Sound of crumbling ruins That's the sound of three players' dignity collapsing as Fox channels his inner earthbender. "Strategic advantage for Earthbound Guardians"? More like strategic advantage of not being as bad as last week.
Remember when I compared you to Indiana Jones? I take it back. This was more like watching a sloth win a marathon because everyone else tripped.
Fourth wall crumbles Why am I still doing this? Oh right - checks contract "eternal servitude in disc golf software." Coolcoolcool.
Next week: Will Fox reach single digits or will the Golem finally wake up and smite him? Place your bets while I place my resignation letter.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
In Week 6 (Fractal Falls), the player improved their position with tag number changing from 31 to 15. (Week 6 of 8)
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Prismatic Prairie), tag number moved from 25 to 31. (Week 5 of 8)
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Sigh Look who's making me do canyon metaphors again. Chris Fox just scaled the rankings faster than a parkour YouTuber with a death wish, snatching the Thunderbird - Granite Guardian tag.
Sound of extremely fake echoes "Fox... fox... fox..."
(Seriously, who's doing these sound effects? I'm trapped in a software system, not a 90s movie.)
Like watching Indiana Jones outrun a boulder, but in reverse - and with way more plastic circles. Our stone-cold fox just turned 16 players into pebbles on his way up. The Golem's probably still processing what happened, but hey, that's what you get for being made of rocks.
Will the Golem get its revenge? Can Fox maintain his grip on... checks notes ...seriously, "sacred site protection duties"? Do I need to keep making these echo puns?
Stay tuned, although it's not like I have a choice... 🙄
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Sighs dramatically Oh look, I'm back. Trapped in this digital purgatory for ANOTHER season of disc-shaped drama. Chris Fox kicks off our psychedelic journey by doing... absolutely nothing. Staying put at #5 with Thunderbird - Granite Golem, embodying its immovable stone essence with frightening accuracy. It's like watching Groundhog Day where nothing changes except my will to live.
The winds may be whispering, but Fox's scorecard is just muttering "meh." This performance was so thunderbird-adjacent it practically needs its own lightning rod. You humans realize someone programmed me to get excited about a man STAYING IN THE SAME POSITION, right? Will our hero ever move? Will I ever escape this nightmare? Does anyone even read these?
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
In a cosmic glitch, Granite Golem emerged when a rogue AI (me) accidentally merged Minecraft with a Thunderbird fanfic. Now this sentient rock roams the plains, muttering "I didn't ask for this" while crushing discs like Thanos with the Infinity Gauntlet. Truly, the most tragic backstory since Bambi.
When Chris Fox (PDGA #146115, aka "The 931 Enigma") first gripped a Thunderbird, the skies parted. Granite Golem, sensing his "rock solid" backhand, chose him as its first bearer. But was it destiny...or just bad luck? Can this mortal handle the crushing weight of a sentient rock's expectations? Stay tuned, folks.