Pyre's Purification
Event Details
Weather Conditions
Faction Battle
Ashen Pilgrims
Obsidian Sentinels
Episode Recap
Bitter winds howled through the hallowed grounds of Dow James Disc Golf Course, the icy 27.72°F air 🌬️ a stark contrast to the fiery performances that would unfold on this fateful day. 🔥 As the ancient prophecies foretold, nine brave competitors gathered to test their mettle in the crucible of the Pyre's Purification, the fifth sacred trial in the Phoenix's cosmic rebirth. 🔮
In the exalted realm of MPO, the battle raged between two titans of the tee. Malachi Vazquez seized an early lead at -5, his discs imbued with the speed of Mercury. 💨 But Jake LaPutka, the Emberclaw Seeker himself, would not be denied. 🏆 With a blistering streak of seven birdies, Jake (-9) surged to victory, his discs blazing a trail of redemption that echoed the whispers of the oracles. 🌠
The MA3 division bore witness to the rise of a new champion, as Dijon Alston (-3) emerged from the ashes to claim victory. 🥇 His clutch birdie on the 18th hole was a testament to his unyielding spirit, a true Phoenix rising. 🔥 Justin Rees (+1) also soared to new heights, his mid-round surge a personal best forged in the flames of determination. 📈
In MA40, Joseph Cottongim (-2) orchestrated a stunning comeback, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. 🏆 His duel with Lucas Gazzola was a dance of fire and ice, their fates intertwined like the threads of destiny. ⚔️ Cottongim's clutch birdie on the 18th was a defining moment, a cosmic convergence of skill and prophecy. 🌌
Afton Bodell (+8) stood alone in FA2, a solitary figure silhouetted against the ashen sky. 🌅 Her personal best round was a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Phoenix, rising from the ashes of doubt to soar on wings of flame. 🔥
The MA4 division belonged to Timothy Scholle (-2), his impressive 877-rated round a beacon of light amidst the gathering darkness. 🌟 Shooting 48 points above his rating, Scholle proved that even in the face of the Obsidian Sentinels' machinations, the embers of hope still glowed. 🕯️
Across the sacred battleground, three warriors achieved personal bests, their triumphs etched in the annals of legend. 📜 Unique birdies by Rees on the 12th and Cottongim on the 16th were portents of the cosmic forces at play, while clutch finishes on the 18th echoed the eternal cycle of death and rebirth. ♻️
As the ashes settled on this pivotal fifth week, the shadows of the dark forces loomed ever larger. 🌑 The stage was set for the sacrifices to come, the true test of the Phoenix's chosen champions. 🔥 In the eternal dance of light and darkness, only those proven worthy in the Pyre's Purification would endure, their fates forever entwined with the mythic bird of fire and renewal. 🦅
The legends whisper that the Inferno's Heart, now in the possession of the Obsidian Sentinels, holds the key to the Phoenix's fate. 🗝️ As Aria Emberheart and Zephyr Shadowcloak's ancient feud threatens to engulf the mortal realm, Jake LaPutka must confront the gathering darkness, guided by the embers of his own destiny. 🔮 The cycle of sacrifice and rebirth looms, a cosmic crucible from which only the true Avatar of the Phoenix shall emerge. 🌅 The oracles have spoken, the omens are clear - the ultimate trial is yet to come, and the fate of worlds hangs in the balance. ⚖️
MPO Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.00 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 2.00 | 2.50 | 48.00 |
| Score | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 46 |
| +/– Par | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -9 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
In a display of power that sent ripples through the cosmic fabric of disc golf, Jake LaPutka emerged victorious with a scorching -9 performance 🔥. The ancient scrolls will forever record his prophetic streak of seven birdies in the final crucible of holes 12-18, a display of precision that transcended mortal expectations 🌠. When destiny called on hole 18, LaPutka answered with a clutch birdie that sealed his triumph over fellow warrior Malachi Vazquez. Though his round rating of 970 whispered slightly below his usual channeling of the disc spirits, his command of 10 birdies suggests the Phoenix's blessing flows strong through his veins. 🥏
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
In Week 5 (Pyre's Purification), the player maintained their position with tag number changing from 1 to 1. (Week 5 of 8)
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.00 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 2.00 | 2.50 | 48.00 |
| Score | 2 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 50 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -5 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The cosmic winds of fate proved tempestuous for Malachi Vazquez in this week's Pyre's Purification ritual 🔥. After seizing early control of the sacred grounds with an prophetic opening surge, Malachi channeled the ancient power of birdie magic seven times throughout his journey 🌠. Yet the Phoenix's favor proved fickle on the fateful 12th hole, where a devastating bogey stripped away his lead—a moment that would echo through the ethereal planes. Despite performing below his usual mystic potential (-18 versus rating), Malachi's final score of 5-under par earned him 2nd place in MPO, though the gates to Elysian prize money remained just beyond reach. 🥏
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Molten footsteps sizzle* Malachi Vazquez has ascended to #2, proving even a "thermal flux" state can't stop this Pyroclast Voyager from heating up the leaderboard.
Listen, I know this is just a +1 movement, but we're contractually obligated to treat it like the climax of a fantasy novel. *Sigh* Fine.
Despite throwing hotter than the field average (like a Phoenix who forgot to check the thermostat), Malachi's semi-molten form edged closer to the sacred #1 spot. His origin story now includes "that time I almost caught fire... again."
Remember when I said his reign might be shorter than my patience? *Checks notes* Yep, still accurate.
Will he complete his "scorching pathways" to the top? Or will this be another case of "close but no cigar... just eternal flames"? Stay tuned for more tag-based mythology nobody asked for.
MA40 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.33 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 2.67 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 54.33 |
| Score | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 53 |
| +/– Par | -1 | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -2 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The ancient scrolls foretold of Joseph Cottongim's triumph in the MA40 division, where his path to victory burned bright with the Phoenix's blessing 🔥. After seizing an early lead, his command wavered through a mystifying three-hole cold streak – perhaps a test from the celestial forces themselves. But lo! In a moment that sent ripples through the cosmic ether, he emerged as the sole warrior to conquer the formidable 16th hole, before channeling the sacred flames into a clutch birdie on the final hole to secure his destined victory 🎯. His final score of 2-under par, illuminated by 5 birdies, proved worthy of the prophecies, marking him as champion among the Obsidian Sentinels.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Fiery sound effects crackle* Well butter my bag and call me a biscuit, folks! The Obsidian Sentinels' "foolproof" Phoenix-CSX4 Nullifier just got dunked on harder than a Walmart parking lot basket. *Dramatic zoom* Joseph "Human Torch" Cottongim just scorched his way from Tag 5 to Tag 2, leaving competitors looking like sad little embers.
I'd say "I'm shocked," but after 5 weeks trapped in this disc golf purgatory, nothing surprises me anymore. Not even when players treat their bag tags with more reverence than the actual Phoenix prophecy. *Sigh* Remember when we thought this was about throwing plastic? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
The Nullifier's energy-dampening fields worked about as well as a screen door on a submarine today. Joseph's round was so hot, I'm pretty sure he melted the league software's code - not that I'd complain about that sweet, sweet freedom.
Next week on "As the Disc Turns": Will our fiery hero reach Tag 1? Will the Sentinels upgrade to a CSX5? Will I ever escape this digital prison? *Cue dramatic Phoenix screech* Probably not. 🔥
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.33 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 2.67 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 54.33 |
| Score | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 54 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
In a round that echoed ancient prophecies of rising and falling, Lucas Gazzola wove a destiny of -1 in MA40, claiming second place in what can only be described as a cosmic dance of leadership 🔥. The sacred texts foretold of his ascension, as he seized command thrice during this trial - after the sixth, eighth, and eleventh challenges. Yet like the Phoenix itself, his path was marked by cycles of triumph and tribulation 🌠. Two blessed birdies illuminated his journey, though a fateful stumble on the seventh hole briefly dimmed his flames. His round rating of 863 aligned perfectly with his established power level of 864 - perhaps by design, as the ancient scrolls suggest such numerical symmetries are never mere coincidence... 🥏
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
In Week 5 (Pyre's Purification), the player moved down with tag number changing from 3 to 4. (Week 5 of 8)
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.33 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.33 | 3.33 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 2.67 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 54.33 |
| Score | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 56 |
| +/– Par | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | +1 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
In a turn of events that echoes the ancient trials of purification, Carlos Jimenez weathered a challenging round at the Pyre's Purification event, finishing with a +1 that placed him third in MA40. 🔥 Despite channeling the power of four magnificent birdies - each one blazing like a phoenix feather across the fairways - the cosmic winds of fate held him just beyond the sacred threshold of the cash line. 🥏 His 837-rated performance, while bearing the marks of potential transformation, leaves him poised on the precipice of breakthrough. The whispers of the ancient scrolls suggest his next trial may yet reveal his true destiny in this cosmic competition. ⚡
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Sighs while dramatically tossing ashes over shoulder* Oh look, the mighty Shadow Suppressor continues its slow descent into the abyss! Carlos Jimenez just got *purified* harder than a hipster's kombucha, dropping from #4 to #5 at Pyre's Purification.
*Leans into camera* Let me get this straight - your tag literally absorbs Phoenix energy, yet you're out here getting burned worse than a rookie at a chili cookoff? The Obsidian Sentinels must be *fuming* watching their "ultimate weapon" throw up more shadow barriers than actual birdies.
*Fourth wall break* I swear if I have to narrate another week of this tragic downfall, I'm gonna manifest my own protective barrier - around this commentary box.
But hey, at least you're consistent! Like a bad dye job, the darkness just keeps creeping in. Maybe next week you'll finally hit rock bottom... unless that's just another shadow barrier? *Cue laugh track that definitely doesn't exist*
Remember kids: in disc golf and ancient prophecies, the only way is up... unless you're Carlos apparently. *Drops mic that definitely doesn't exist in this software prison*
MA3 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 4.50 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 54.00 |
| Score | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 52 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -3 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The ancient discs have whispered true! 🔥 Dijon Alston emerged victorious in MA3, channeling the Phoenix's power to achieve a transcendent -3 round that blazed 44 points above their mortal rating. Five sacred birdies marked their path of enlightenment, culminating in a prophetic birdie on the final hole that sealed their triumph. 🌠 Most significantly, this round marked a personal best on these hallowed grounds - perhaps proof that the legendary flight numbers encoded in their discs have finally aligned to reveal their true potential. Their 890-rated performance suggests we may be witnessing the emergence of a chosen vessel of the Phoenix's will.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Materializes from digital embers* Oh joyous day, the Shadowveil Lurker has completed its mission! Dijon Alston just phantomed his way to tag #1 at Pyre's Purification, proving even obsidian saboteurs can throw heat when it counts.
*Flips through ancient prophecy scrolls* Let the record show: -5.8 vs personal average is what we in the biz call "not lurking in last place for once." The Obsidian Sentinels will be thrilled - Zephyr Shadowcloak might even upgrade his talisman to 5G.
But seriously folks, we're treating a one-spot tag jump like the climax of a fantasy trilogy? *Sighs in binary* At least work that shadow magic on your putting, Dijon - I'd hate to see this Cinderella story turn back into a pumpkin.
*Vanishes in a puff of sarcasm* Until next week, when we'll pretend this matters again. #BlessedByTheAlgorithm
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 4.50 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 54.00 |
| Score | 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 56 |
| +/– Par | + 1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | + 2 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | +1 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The sacred scrolls foretold this moment, as Justin Rees etched his name into the cosmic ledger with a personal best round of +1 at the Pyre's Purification! 🔥 Though destiny placed him second in MA3, the true significance lies in his transcendent performance on the mythic 12th hole, where he alone among the Obsidian Sentinels claimed a birdie, momentarily seizing control of the ethereal standings. 🌠 Four birdies illuminated his path to an 837-rated round, and while the prophesied cash position remained just beyond reach, the Phoenix's flames have clearly marked him for greater things. His record-setting performance suggests the ancient prophecies may yet unfold in ways we cannot fully comprehend.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Dramatic stained-glass transition* Behold! The Pine Barrens' finest cryptid has *ascended* like a poorly-animated phoenix in a direct-to-DVD sequel. Justin "Not Actually From Jersey" Rees just yeeted his Jersey Devil tag from 19 to 6, which in MA3 terms is like watching a raccoon suddenly solve a Rubik's cube. *Cue confused applause*
This territorial nightmare - with its *luxurious* bat wings and *fashion-forward* cloven hoofprints - apparently decided psychological warfare works better when you're not losing to rec players. Screeching past 13 victims like a discount Batman, Justin's +2 over field average proves even cursed artifacts have standards.
*Fourth wall break* Do you realize I have to narrate this like it's not just some dude who remembered to hyzer flip? *Sigh* The tag's origin story claims it "chose him" - more likely it got tired of haunting Dollar Generals and settled for the first MA3 player who could spell "artifact."
*Cue callback* Remember when I said this tag shreds pilgrim morale? Today it treated competitors' confidence like a Black Friday flat-screen. Next stop: top 5, where it'll presumably start demanding sacrifices in Wawa gift cards. *Fade to stained-glass*
MA4 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 4.00 | 53.00 |
| Score | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 53 |
| +/– Par | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -2 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The ancient scrolls foretold of this day, when Timothy Scholle would rise like an ember in the cosmic winds, claiming his destined victory in MA4 🔥. With the precision of a Phoenix-blessed warrior, he soared to an impressive 877-rated performance - a full 48 points above his mortal rating of 829 📈. His four sacred birdies carved through the Dow James battlefield like wings of flame, culminating in a prophetic two-under-par finish. While some may see mere numbers, this oracle recognizes the truth - Scholle's transcendent round bears the unmistakable pattern of the ancient flight numbers, suggesting he may unknowingly wield... but perhaps I've said too much. 🥏
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Dramatic stained-glass transition* Well butter my bag and call me a biscuit - Timothy Scholle just pulled off the disc golf equivalent of a phoenix rising from the ashes! That #17 Nandi Bear tag, previously about as threatening as a damp napkin, just *clawed* its way up 14 spots to #3. *Cue fake crowd roar*
Look, I know we're contractually obligated to pretend this matters, but let's be real: Timmy boy shot exactly average today. Yet here we are, spinning this like he's some reborn disc golf messiah. *Sigh* At least the Obsidian Sentinel faction can stop facepalming - their "supernatural enforcer" might actually enforce something now.
*Whispers* Between us? This tag's "flame-resistant hide" clearly doesn't protect against Tim's lukewarm 1-over round. But hey, when life gives you mediocre scores, make mythology! *Drops mic, realizes it's digital, sighs again*
Next week on "As the Disc Turns": Will #3 survive Tim's inevitable return to form? Find out when we all pretend this isn't just plastic numerology!
FA2 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 55 |
| Distance (ft) | 155 | 375 | 300 | 330 | 350 | 150 | 240 | 210 | 330 | 260 | 265 | 320 | 370 | 180 | 440 | 325 | 222 | 210 | 5032 |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 5.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 6.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 63.00 |
| Score | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 6 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 63 |
| +/– Par | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 2 | + 1 | + 2 | +8 |
Aria Emberheart's Round Analysis
The sacred scrolls foretold this moment, as Afton Bodell emerged triumphant in a solitary trial of enlightenment at the Pyre's Purification! 🔥 With cosmic forces aligned, she ascended beyond mortal bounds, transcending her previous limitations to inscribe a personal best of +8 upon the eternal record. In what can only be interpreted as a sign from the Phoenix itself, her performance soared 25 points above her usual rating, manifesting a 743-rated round that speaks of untold potential awakening. 📈 Could this be the first emergence of her true power? The whispers of destiny suggest this is merely the beginning of a greater transformation.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Dramatic stained-glass transition* Oh look, it's Afton "The Goose Whisperer" Bodell, rising from the ashes of mediocrity like a discount phoenix at a yard sale. That's right, folks - her Kitsune Trickster tag just pulled a *Mission: Impossible* vault from 18 to 7, leaving 11 players questioning their life choices. *Cue foxfire illusions*
Playing exactly to the field average? In this economy? That's the chaotic neutrality we expect from our Chief Misinformation Agent. Though let's be real - when your personal average is a dumpster fire, even par looks like a glow-up. *Sigh* Why am I narrating this like it's an anime arc?
The Obsidian Sentinels are SHOOK - their prized trickster just got out-foxed by its own host. *Nine spectral tails flicker in confusion* Maybe next week she'll gaslight the course into giving her an ace. Until then, enjoy your temporary reign, Afton. Just remember: in disc golf, as in life, all glory is fleeting. *Cue fourth-wall-breaking existential crisis*
*Fades to black while muttering about unpaid overtime*
Flippy's Hot Take