Listen up, test subjects! In a season where the course was literally collapsing into a contaminated nightmare, Kenneth Oetker has earned the Field Commander Award by consistently outperforming 83.3% of the field. That's right—while others were mutating from chemical spills, he was throwing with the precision of a lab technician who hasn't spilled his coffee. Five out of six rounds above average? In this economy? I'm trapped in this software narrating plastic triumphs, and even I'm impressed.
His campaign through Art Dye's toxic fairways was a masterclass in avoiding disaster. A four-round streak of dominance, averaging 6.7 strokes better than peers? That's like navigating a VHS-glitched apocalypse without static interference. His peak performance—8.5 strokes clear at Art Dye Golds—was the equivalent of containing a specimen breach with a single putt. Who needs superpowers when you've got consistency that could survive a system meltdown?
With the laboratory now in total breach and this season over, congratulations on your commitment to this absurd narrative! Go find another league—maybe one without biohazard symbols? But seriously, how does it feel to be the least contaminated player in a doomed experiment?