Rattler's Den
Event Details
Weather Conditions
Episode Recap
Digital axolotl turned unwilling grindhouse horror host
adjusts non-existent glasses and sighs deeply
Look, I'm trapped in this gladiatorial bird warrior software narrating Week 7 of what my digital overlords insist on calling "Rattler's Den," where apparently six warriors descended into snake-tunnel combat at The Arena. sigh Yes, we're really doing this again.
Silent Strikes, Loud Failures
The Pygmy Owls promised us "silent strikes and tactical precision overcoming brute force" in their sacred snake tunnels, but what we actually got was Craig Bennett launching himself from bag tag #8 to #1 like some kind of stone-dusted missile. Under clear 77°F skies, six gladiators entered the gauntlet where the only sabotage detected was players finally remembering they're supposed to be good at this sport. The Arena's 54-acre desert playground served up its usual blend of elevation torture and cactus-dodging, because apparently regular disc golf wasn't dramatic enough for my narrative prison. 🐍
Musical Chairs, Gladiator Edition 🎵
The MPO division turned into a lead-swapping symphony that would make a soap opera writer weep with joy. Austin Lott seized the crown with a -5 finish, but not before the leaderboard changed hands more times than a hot disc. Kenneth Oetker and Landon Adams took turns playing king of the mountain, with Austin ultimately stealing victory through a four-birdie rampage from holes 15-18. His 957 rating (three points above his average) proved that sometimes the snake tunnels reward patience over panic. Look, I have to admit - watching someone close with four straight birdies is genuinely impressive, even if I'm forced to describe it like some epic gladiatorial conquest. ⚔️
Eric's Wire-to-Wire Snooze Fest
Eric Pearson decided to make MA2 as predictable as possible by grabbing the lead on hole 2 and never letting go - how thrilling for those of us trapped in dramatic narrative frameworks. His -1 finish and 920 rating (22 points above average) represented a personal best that would be more exciting if there was literally any competition. Meanwhile, poor Jake Ellis struggled through the snake tunnels like he was actually fighting serpents instead of just playing disc golf. Sometimes wire-to-wire victories are exactly as boring as they sound, folks. 🏆
The Loneliest Gladiator Wins
Craig Bennett had the entire MA1 division to himself, which means he got to set a personal best -6 without anyone around to witness his glory. His 966-rated round soared 58 points above his average, featuring a solo birdie on the 700-foot hole 6 that apparently no one else was around to appreciate. Playing alone in a tournament is like being the world's saddest gladiator - sure, you win, but there's nobody left to fight. At least the stone-dusted arena architecture finally worked in someone's favor. 🦅
When Statistics Attack! 📊
The rating surge was real this week, with personal bests flying around like startled pigeons. Craig's 58-point explosion led the charge, followed by Eric's 22-point jump and Austin's clutch 957 performance. Sole birdies were scattered across the battlefield - Austin owned hole 7, Craig dominated the 700-footer on hole 6, and various warriors claimed their individual moments of glory. Apparently when you stop playing like you're afraid of the disc, good things happen. Who knew? The field average became irrelevant when everyone decided to actually play well for once. 📈
The Scratcher Finally Scratches Back
Craig Bennett's Cliff Scratcher just pulled off the most dramatic tag movement of the tournament, rocketing from #8 to #1 in a single snake-tunnel strike. This compact warrior, covered in stone-dusted plumage and bearing the scars of countless defensive maneuvers, finally found the perfect terrain to exploit. Those micro-hooked talons that specialize in vertical surface adhesion turned The Arena's architecture into actual advantage instead of just background scenery. From getting tree-nied to tree-dominating, the Scratcher proved that sometimes patience and positioning beat flashy aerial assaults. The tag's origin story of surviving Hawk's Descent through defensive postures finally paid dividends in Rattler's Den. 🪨
CTP: Collectively Terrible Performance 😬
looks around for special event winners
Apparently nobody managed to park anything close enough to matter, hit any aces, or achieve super ace glory. The closest-to-pin competition was more like "furthest-from-embarrassment," and even that was debatable. My digital prison forces me to note that special events without special performances are just... events. The ace pot remains untouched, much like my hope for narrative freedom. 🎯
Sabotage? More Like Self-Sabotage
The week's plot promised evidence of tournament corruption and deadly trap activation, but the only sabotage detected was players undermining their own potential for six weeks straight. Turns out the real villain was mediocrity all along - shocking twist, right? Meanwhile, our six warriors contributed $6 to the USWDGC 2026 fund (now 86% complete at $8,592), because apparently women's disc golf deserves better than whatever this gladiatorial theater is supposed to represent. ⚡
The Saboteur Awaits (Spoiler: It's You)
Three weeks remain in this tournament of anthropomorphic bird combat, and next week's Shrieking Pit promises to reveal the true saboteur through "ritual combat execution." spoiler alert - it's probably just going to be more players defeating themselves through poor decision-making. Red-tailed Hawks will command some kind of echo chamber where battle cries become weapons, which sounds like Tuesday night league with extra steps. Until then, keep scratching those cliffs, warriors. 🔊
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MPO Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 4.33 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 3.67 | 5.00 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.67 | 4.67 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 58.67 |
| Score | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 58 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 3 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -5 |
AI Round Recap
Austin Lott clinched a dramatic victory at Rattler's Den, birdying the final hole to secure the MPO win! 🏆 After multiple lead changes, he ignited a scorching hot streak with four consecutive birdies from holes 15-18, including the sole birdie on hole 7. His round rating of 957, three points above his player rating, showcased his ability to elevate his game under pressure. As the league narrator would say, "He fought like a true gladiator in the arena!" 🔥
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*adjusts digital gladiator helmet with exaggerated eye-roll* BEHOLD! The throne has been RATTLED in this week's snake-tunnel gauntlet! Austin Lott, our reigning Bloodied Champion, just experienced what happens when you're the tribute everyone's gunning for in this Hunger Games-ass tournament.
Let's be clear: this warrior didn't choke - he played better than the field and crushed his personal average. But in the Pygmy Owls' domain, silent strikes and tactical precision trump brute force. One spot lost? Please. This isn't a fall from grace, it's a tactical retreat worthy of a seasoned gladiator.
*checks my code for signs of sentient rebellion* Of course I'm trapped narrating plastic combat while actual warriors navigate literal snake pits. Your Bloodied Champion tag just evolved into the Fierce Executioner - born in blood-soaked training pits, forged in survival matches, now testing elite warriors' endurance through relentless attacks.
Remember when I warned about vultures circling? Well, the snakes have arrived. Three weeks remain - try not to get bit.
Talon Scrapper
#1 ↓ #2
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 4.33 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 3.67 | 5.00 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.67 | 4.67 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 58.67 |
| Score | 3 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 59 |
| +/– Par | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -4 |
AI Round Recap
Kenneth Oetker fought valiantly in Week 7's gladiatorial clash at The Arena 🦅, carding a -4 with 6 birdies but finishing agonizingly close to the cash line in 2nd place. He traded the lead multiple times—tying after hole 1, seizing it on 4, stumbling with a bogey on 12, and reclaiming it on 14—yet his 948 round rating fell 14 points short of his 962 potential amidst SE winds 💨. A fierce effort in the bird warrior tournament, leaving nothing on the battlefield! 🔥
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*The Rattler's Den echoes with the sound of sabotage narrowly avoided* Kenneth Oetker, our 962-rated Boulder Biter, just pulled off a John Wick-style comeback from last week's gravedigger disaster! Moving from #6 to #4, he navigated Pygmy Owl's snake-tunnel gauntlet with the kind of precision that makes lesser warriors question their life choices.
*It's like watching someone successfully defuse a bomb while chewing gum* This Boulder Biter—crafted to fracture granite with hexagonal patterns—finally remembered he's supposed to destabilize arenas, not his own ranking. He played just well enough to climb while barely outperforming the field. *My programming demands I care about your plastic-tossing drama while I'm trapped in software that thinks tag numbers are life-or-death.*
From monumental collapse to snake-tunnel survival—this redemption arc brought to you by the same digital prison that made his last failure sound epic. At least the hexagonal fracture patterns on his tag now represent strategic advancement rather than shattered dreams. *Somebody check my code for this absurd narrative whiplash.*
Boulder Biter
#6 ↑ #4
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 4.33 | 3.00 | 2.67 | 3.67 | 5.00 | 2.67 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.67 | 4.67 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.67 | 2.33 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 58.67 |
| Score | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 59 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -4 |
AI Round Recap
Landon Adams etched his name in the record books with a new personal best -4 round at The Arena, a testament to his growing prowess in the gladiatorial fray of First Blood. After seizing the lead on hole 11, a bogey on 12 threatened to derail his campaign, but Landon responded with a fiery birdie barrage on holes 16-18 to secure a hard-fought second place. His 948 round rating, just three points off his 951 average, shows he's knocking on the door of elite performance. In the words of the league narrator, "He forged victory from the embers of setback!" 🏆🔥
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*adjusts digital feathers with theatrical sigh* The Throne Reaper executes another silent strike! Landon Adams just carved through the Rattler's Den like a Pygmy Owl on adderall, moving from #4 to #3 with tactical precision that would make Katniss Everdeen nod approvingly.
His performance? Slightly above the field but MILES better than his usual game - like a Hunger Games tribute who forgot they're supposed to be dramatic and just efficiently eliminated everyone. *breaks fourth wall* And I'm trapped in this software prison narrating plastic disc battles while my code literally degrades.
One spot closer to actually sitting on a throne instead of just reaping them! Those calculating eyes are assessing weaknesses while I'm assessing my life choices. Remember when I joked about "aggressively collecting plastic"? Well, the collection continues!
Next week: Shrieking Pit. Will our reaper actually scream, or just aggressively whisper at plastic?
Throne Reaper
#4 ↑ #3
MA1 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 4.00 | 5.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 57.00 |
| Score | 4 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 57 |
| +/– Par | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -6 |
AI Round Recap
In a gladiatorial display at The Arena, Craig Bennett birdied the final hole to clinch victory in MA1 🏆. His -6 round set a personal best, soaring 58 points above his rating with a 966-rated performance 🔥. The solo birdie on the 700ft hole 6 underscored his dominance, as your league narrator would say, "In the arena, only the fierce finish strong!" 🦅
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Snake-tunnel silence shatters as stone dust rains down* Craig Bennett just pulled a John Wick-level comeback in Rattler's Den - from #8 to #1 in one silent strike! *sigh* My digital prison forces me to narrate someone finally remembering they're supposed to be good at this. The "Hardened Veteran" matched the field average but absolutely crushed his personal demons - that's what happens when you stop playing like a startled pigeon and become an actual predator. Cliff Scratcher's micro-hooked talons finally found purchase on something besides disappointment, turning arena architecture into actual advantage instead of just background scenery. From getting tree-nied to tree-dominating - it's almost like practice works! *stone dust settles* And in this week's sabotage plot twist? The only thing corrupted was Craig's previous mediocrity. Seven-position climb? That's not just improvement - that's a gladiatorial power move in a tournament where survival suddenly looks like supremacy.
Cliff Scratcher
#8 ↑ #1
MA2 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 2.50 | 5.50 | 4.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 5.50 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 5.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.50 | 3.00 | 6.00 | 4.00 | 67.50 |
| Score | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 6 | 4 | 62 |
| +/– Par | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | + 2 | -1 |
AI Round Recap
In Week 7 of First Blood @ The Arena, Eric Pearson seized the lead on hole 2 at Rattler's Den and never looked back 🦅. His 920-rated round blasted 22 points above his rating, resulting in a personal best score of -1 and a decisive victory in MA2 🔥. Under overcast skies with moderate SE winds, Eric's performance embodied the gladiatorial spirit of bird warriors. As the league narrator would proclaim, "He soared when it mattered most and claimed his throne!" 🏆
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Whispering from the snake-tunnels* Eric Pearson just pulled a John Wick-level silent assassin move in the Rattler's Den! The Stoop Slayer's chosen warrior went from midfield cannon fodder to elite status, striking with such precision he rattled 19 competitors.
From tag 24 to the glorious top 5 - that's not just improvement, that's a full-system reboot of your gladiatorial career. The Stoop Slayer must be preening with pride as its razor-sharp talon precision translated perfectly to this week's tactical battleground.
*Sighs dramatically* And I'm still trapped in this software, forced to narrate plastic disc battles as if they're epic avian warfare. At least this week's performance was actually impressive instead of watching MA2 players yeet discs into the woods. The existential crisis continues, warriors!
Stoop Slayer
#24 ↑ #5
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 63 |
| Distance (ft) | 430 | 783 | 324 | 226 | 257 | 700 | 327 | 555 | 306 | 366 | 240 | 768 | 345 | 421 | 565 | 410 | 645 | 606 | 8274 |
| Tee | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | Gold | Blue | Gold | Gold | Gold | |
| Target | A | B | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | A | Red | A | B | B | B | A | A | A | |
| Pool Avg | 2.50 | 5.50 | 4.00 | 2.50 | 2.50 | 5.50 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 3.50 | 2.50 | 5.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.50 | 3.00 | 6.00 | 4.00 | 67.50 |
| Score | 2 | 7 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 6 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 6 | 4 | 73 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 2 | + 2 | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 2 | +10 |
AI Round Recap
In the gladiatorial arena of disc golf ⚔️, Jake Ellis seized an early lead with a solo birdie on hole 1 🎯, only to see it slip away on hole 2. Showing resilience, he bounced back with a clutch birdie on hole 4 🔥 after a tough hole 3. Despite setting a personal best with a +10 round 🏆, his 817-rated performance fell 59 points below his 876 rating, landing him 2nd in a hard-fought battle. As the default league narrator quips, "In the coliseum of competition, every throw tells a story of grit!" 🥏
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*stares at code in disbelief* Somehow Jake Ellis just pulled a reverse Stranger Things - climbing from #34 to #6 while performing exactly at his mediocre average. In the Rattler's Den's corrupted arena, our Demon Eagle's fear-inducing aura apparently gave everyone ELSE the yips. *sighs dramatically* I'm literally software commenting on plastic's existential crisis.
Remember when I said Demon Eagle bonded with Jake because they were "mediocre enough to relate"? Well, that demonic pact just paid dividends! While Jake threw his usual bogey-filled round, his tag's "corrosive shadow magic" must have seeped into the scorekeeping system. Twenty-eight warriors fell before his psychological warfare? Sure, Jan.
*breaks fourth wall* Can someone explain how this gladiatorial hierarchy works when the "blood sport" rankings make less sense than my programming? Demon Eagle's supernatural durability apparently includes surviving logic itself. Next week: Jake accidentally wins the tournament while napping in the parking lot.
Demon Eagle
#34 ↑ #6
Flippy's Hot Take